Emotional…

I forgot how emotional pregnancy makes me. It feels like my brain is going a million miles an hour. Finn and I are overjoyed, as are our families. 

I just dread making it publicly known. I know Z’s father is going to flip his lid. There’s no way I’m going to be able to hide it for long. I’m currently 5w4d and already showing a bit of a bump. It’s ridiculous. I’m going to be as big as a house come September. 



I have to plan our public announcement carefully, down to the minute. Because I know as soon as H’s aunt on his father’s side finds out, she’ll be on the phone with him to tell him immediately. She did the same thing with our engagement. I didn’t have the chance to tell my son I was engaged before she ran off at the mouth.  I currently have her, plus all of our mutual friends on my Facebook acquaintance list, and nothing I post is visible to any of them. I regularly double- and triple-check my privacy settings. At least once a week. And every time I make a post, I make sure it’s not visible to my acquaintance list. 
I seriously just double-checked my recent posts. Pregnancy brain’s got me good. 

On the other side of things, apparently Finn’s brother and SIL have been TTC as well, with no success. After SIL’s reactions during our engagement, I dread being in her presence with a baby bump. I’m not sure how long they’ve been trying, because that’s honestly not my business. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t start trying until after they found out we were. 

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Appointments Scheduled…

I called my doctor’s office to schedule my first prenatal appointment Wednesday, and they called back yesterday. They scheduled my first three appointments. February 7th is my dating ultrasound  (we’ll get to see the heartbeat!!💓💓), February 13th is my midwife appointment, and March 7th is my OB appointment. 

When I bought the pregnancy test (to be honest, I only wanted to take a test to prove to myself that I’m NOT pregnant. I seriously thought I was infertile. Guess it was XH. Whoops.), I bought the “Test and confirm, and confirm, and confirm” by First Response. It was (obviously) a three pack. An early result test, a digital test, and a rapid result test, each less sensitive than the last. 

Well, with such a dark line on the early result test, I didn’t feel the need to use the others right away. I staggered them every other day. The digital and the rapid response were both positive (obviously). I laughed my ass off with the rapid result test. It was such a strong positive that the test line pulled the dye from the control line:

^^The strongest positive I’ve ever received on a home pregnancy test. 

I’m so freaking happy right now. Finn and I are struggling to keep it quiet. I’m hoping to wait until I hit the second trimester in March, but it’ll be a miracle if we make it that long. We’ve already told our parents, and a few close friends. I’m sure the word will slowly trickle out. 

No Longer Schrödinger’s cat…

Errr… Uterus.

BECAUSE I’M PREGNANT!!!

I waited all day yesterday to be able to get to the store, but finally made it around 1030 last night. I couldn’t wait to take the test this morning, so I took it as soon as we got home. 

Almost immediately, two beautiful, pink lines appeared (the test line is actually darker than the control!). In my shock, I grabbed the test, ran outside (shaking), looked at Finn while he was loading the truck to take our old couch to the dump, looked at him and said “It’s positive.”

Not exciting, not dramatic. I was just in too much shock for a big production. 

As of today, I’m 4w2d (4 weeks, 2 days).

Schrödinger’s cat…

Errr… Uterus. 

I’m late. Not by much, but still, I’m late. I’m confused as fuck. And it’s too damn cold outside to go out to the store. Zero symptoms either way. 

So, yeah, I’m at a loss until either The Bitch shows up, or until I thaw enough to run to the store. 

Called It…

As I said in this post, I knew my birthday would be forgotten. 

I didn’t get a phone call or anything from my dad. I got a “happy birthday” from one sibling, one cousin, and one aunt. Nothing from the rest of my family. 

From Finn’s family, I got a generic “happy birthday” from his mom. While SIL got “happy birthday. We’re so happy to have you as a daughter.” Now, she’s a daughter-in-law as well. 

And that was AFTER I’d made a post thanking everyone for the birthday wishes. Which, Finn’s brother commented on. Yay? The only reason I wasn’t forgotten was because I reminded them. 

As of now, I’m dead set on not going up there for Christmas. Finn can go if he wants, but I refuse to subject myself to the blatant favoritism anymore. Nope. Not doing it. I’d rather sit at home alone than go up there and feel as though I’m an outsider on what is already an emotional holiday for me.  

‘Tis the Season…

For ear infections. Oh joy. 

I sit here with a peice of cotton shoved in my ear to hold in my Rx steroid ear drops and wait for the ibuprofen to kick in. 

Same shit, different year. This time last year my ear infection was so bad my ear canal was nearly swollen shut. I’m playing it by ear (ha!), to see if things are going to right themselves or if I have another visit to urgent care in my future. Ibuprofin, allergy pills, ear drops, and benadryl at bedtime is my current protocol. I’m hoping things will right themselves so I don’t end up needing yet another round of antibiotics. 

… And So It Begins…

Ugh. I popped the egg 10 days ago (translation: I’m 10 Days Post Ovulation, or 10DPO), and I’m symptom spotting. Every little thing, I’m thinking “omg, I’m ___ that’s a symptom of pregnancy,” then my rational brain takes over and says “yeah, but it’s also a PMS symptom, quit freaking out, you’re not pregnant.” 😂😂😂

TTC is one helluva mind fuck. I know getting pregnant at my age, and with my history,  is a long shot. It’s gonna be one helluva ride. Thank goodness Finn is so amazing about it all. I told him from day one, there’s a minimal chance I’d ever be able to make him a father. It is what it is.

Even if I’m not 100% sure if it was me or XH, the inability to get pregnant with XH is still a part of my medical history. Only time will tell at this point. 

Feeling Hopeful…

Finn and I are on cycle #4 of TTC (trying to conceive). I’ve been charting since I went off BCPs in May. But seriously half-assing it. This cycle, I’ve been on the ball. Temping, using ovulation tests, the whole 9.

When I input my temp this morning, I got my crosshairs. I popped the egg lb Thanksgiving. 

We hit 3 out of 4 fertile days this cycle, so I’m really optimistic.

Fingers crossed that this is our cycle. 

We Didn’t Go…

Murphy’s Law (anything that can go wrong, does go wrong) hit around here yesterday. I woke up to a text from OS, after having not spoken to her since late August. I didn’t reply. I didn’t, and still don’t want or need to deal with the stress she brings.  Z woke up with a stomach bug that was trying to vacate from both ends, meanwhile our plumbing was backing up. 

Since MIL had surgery in late September, her immune system has been down. If she gets so much as the common cold, she could be hospitalized.

Well, a sick kid was my out. 

Finn didn’t want to leave us home alone, with Z being sick on top of the plumbing problems, so that was his out. He spent the day under the trailer cutting roots (a root system in the line is what caused the backup) and repairing lines. 

It was not a pleasant day for any of us. 

In other news, my birthday is now nineteen days away, and I’m still taking bets on whether or not my family acknowledges it at all. 

Just Had An “Aha” Moment…

There’s s reason it hurts me so much to feel like MIL doesn’t like me…

On August 20th, 2009, I lost my mom to a nine-month battle with cancer. I’ve always dreamed to be close to my MIL. Not to replace my own Mom, but to help fill the void. 

My Mom was my best friend. I was her caregiver. I was the one who got the phone call to gather the family. I was there until she took her last breath. 

Holidays have been hard since she passed. She always went all-out. Everyone got presents, stockings, Easter baskets. It just hasn’t been the same. 

Honestly? I don’t really celebrate holidays anymore. That’s why I’m dreading this holiday season. I wanna hurry up and decorate ASAP, while I still have the urge. Otherwise, I’ll lose it altogether.