It’s 0504, and I’ve already been awake for nearly an hour. Today’s one of those days that I would have preferred to just sleep through.
Today marks eight years since my momma’s passing. Almost exactly this time of morning August 20th, 2009 I got the call to gather the family. She’d denied her breathing treatment, and her heart stopped. They gave her a shot of adrenaline to her heart and did CPR, but it was too late. She was brain dead and only alive due to the machines.
She was done fighting. I don’t blame her. But losing her left a hole in my heart that will never be filled. She was more than my mom. She was my best friend.
Love and miss you forever, mom.
11/09/50 – 08/20/09
I’m getting married! We have 59 days left to go. It’s been so hard without you here to bounce ideas off of. You’re going to be represented in small, but obvious ways. My dress, OMG my dress. It’s amazing! It’s light and airy, and GREY. Grey, the color that represents lung disease awareness. I didn’t even realize it until my dress was in my arms.
The flowers were another happy accident. Lilacs, roses, lilies, hydrangeas. All flowers I know you loved. It was almost like you’d been guiding my hand as I picked them out. I’m even using eucalyptus as filler, because the smell relaxes me because you always had a eucalyptus spray sitting on the fireplace when I was growing up. Small things my fiance’s family won’t think twice about, but our side will definitely see it.
My necklace is doubled-stranded, with two open filigree lockets. One locket has your birthstone, the other has my fiance’s. I attached another locket to dad’s boutoneer with both of your birthstones inside.
But mom, things are going sideways. My fiance’s family is driving me bat shit insane. His mom claims it’s our wedding, and tells us to do what we want, but then turns around and puts down all of our ideas. Sunday, she even questioned why I want to wear boots. Mom, the wedding is a rustic/country theme. of course I want to wear cowboy boots. It’s part of who I am.
His brother’s wife is trying to pretend they’re part of the bridal party. She’s trying to have her and her husband match us. It’s annoying, but far from the end of the world. I’ll just make sure the photographer keeps them on the outside of group photos. His mom did, however, ask if I had a preference as to what color she wears. I told her anything but grey or pale pink, as that’s what my MOH and I are wearing. I’m hoping that gets spread through the family. I told my fiancé and added that I hope she realizes white is included in that. He said he hopes so, too. Even he knows you don’t wear white to someone else’s wedding.
As our wedding day inches nearer, I’m missing you more and more. I’ve ugly cried more than once. You may not be there physically, but I’ll make damn sure you’ll be there spiritually.
It’s been a long time since I’ve done a Friday Confessions post, and it’s very much overdue.
I’m fucking terrified.
The wedding nightmares have begun. They’re stupid little things, but enough to get under my skin…
- My Bat Shit Crazy sister showing up and ruining everything.
- My Bat Shit Crazy sister showing up and convincing Finn to call it all off
- Being left at the alter
- Murphy’s Law (anything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong)
- Families not getting along
- Uninvited guests
- Kids being holy terrors, and the parents doing nothing about it
Sooo, yeah. Not only does wedding anxiety plague me during the day, it’s invading my dreams as well.
Welp, I do believe I’ve hit my limit. No, nothing new has happened. I’m just over it all.
I’m tired of worrying about what other people say or think.
They can wear whatever the fuck they want, just don’t come crying to me when someone tells you how inappropriate it is. And trust me, at least one guest will say something to someone.
Wedding etiquette isn’t that hard to figure out:
- Don’t wear white. Or anything that can be mistaken for white in pictures.
- Don’t upstage the couple.
Number 2 can be broken down into thousands of facets.
- Don’t propose
- Don’t announce a pregnancy
- DON’T WEAR WHITE (or the color the bride is wearing, if you know)
- Don’t pretend it’s your wedding&reception that you never got to have
- Don’t try to match the bridal party
- Don’t monopolize the couple
Yeah, it’s not hard to figure out, and I’m done trying to hold anyone’s hand to prevent them from making a fool out of themselves.
I’m done caring. It doesn’t reflect poorly on Finn or I. It reflects poorly on the guest. None of that little stuff matters.
What matters is that I’ll be going to bed on our wedding night as Finn’s wife.
I’ll be so fucking happy once this wedding is done.
Finn’s family is driving me bat shit crazy. If it’s not FSIL trying to get too involved, it’s FMIL complaining about one thing or another. If it’s not FMIL shitting on all of our ideas, it’s Finn’s brother complaining about having to wear a boutoneer.
After him and his mom guilted Finn into naming him as best man. Seriously? He’s complaining about the requested attire for a role he guilted Finn into giving him. That’s LITERALLY the number one job of everyone in the bridal party. SHOW UP WEARING THE REQUESTED ATTIRE. Don’t fucking complain about it. Damn.
FSIL has gone radio silent after our conversation about what she wants to wear. It’s beyond hope. No one’s going to talk to her about how inappropriate it is to intentionally match the bridal party. Either no one understands, or they don’t care.
My vote goes for the latter.
I posted a simple question on Facebook to see if anyone else was of my sister’s opinion, that it’s inappropriate to ask ceremony guests not to post pictures until after our arrival at the reception.
Most agreed with me, that it’s not too much to ask.
FMIL’s opinion however…
Look I am going to take pictures I don’t care what Finn says and if u guys have a problem with that I just won’t come
That was followed up by a phone call from her asking why not everyone will be invited to the ceremony. I tried to explain that both Finn and I suffer from social anxiety, and wanted to keep the ceremony private and intimate, but still wanted to share at least part of the day with our friends.
Ugh… NOW she’s complaining that the reception will be too big, and we won’t have enough food for everyone.
There’s no winning with this family.
I did the math after the phone call. Not including children, the ceremony will have 24 guests (including wedding party), and the reception will have 36 guests. Including all children, our guest list count jumps to 53 people. And that’s IF (huge, major, IF) everyone invited shows up. Which I highly doubt they will.
Still, not a big wedding, despite what she says. That’s smaller than most of the family get togethers my parents hosted when I was growing up.
Next up: FMIL wants granddaughters soon. Granddaughters, not grandsons. She wants me to have twin girls. Oh, but wait six months after going off birth control, because that’s how long it takes to get out of your system.
Ummm. No. It takes 2-3 days. That’s what your period is when you’re on birth control. Withdrawal bleed. It may take awhile for your body to figure out WTF it’s doing, but the hormones are out of your system within days.
I’ve been off my BCPs since May, and have had two normal cycles since (I chart). My last period even indicated that my body has figured out what it’s supposed to be doing.
This wedding is becoming a freaking circus. I thought it was Finn’s family I had to worry about.
Yeah… about that…
My oldest sister and I were chatting on Snapchat, when our other sister came up in conversation…
As you can tell, I feel very strongly about the other sister NOT getting an invitation to the wedding. But I have a sneaking suspicion that someone will leak her the information, and she’ll end up crashing the wedding.
On top of that fiasco, I told oldest sis that while we don’t mind guests taking pictures of the ceremony, we don’t want them posted on social media until after we’ve made our entrance at the reception.
She questioned me about it. I explained to her that it’s a private ceremony for family only, friends are being invited to the reception only, and we’d like to surprise our reception guests. She didn’t comprehend it. At all. Then implied that it was disrespectful to ask that of our guests.
What. The. Actual. Fuck?!?!
It’s disrespectful of us to ask that a private moment not be blasted on social media, but not disrespectful for guests not to follow our wishes?
She threw a tantrum, and said “well, I just won’t bring my phone then.” As though it’s SUCH an inconvenience to wait an hour to post pictures on Instagram. Seriously?
Then, she drops this bomb:
“I don’t want anyone taking pictures of me.”
Ok, seriously? YOU want to post pictures of one of the most important moments of my life immediately, and when I ask you not to it’s disrespectful? But if you end up in the background of picture, you don’t want it on social media? How the fuck does that make any sense???
What a fucking weekend…
Plans canceled last minute, a surprise visit from my uncle, a random friend request from my XH…
I’d had plans with my father to take Z top an annual event I hadn’t been too since 2001. We’ve had these plans since March. To the point of rearranging Z’s visitation with his father so we could make it to said event…
He canceled last minute. And since Finn had to work, Z and I had no other way to make it there. Only to find out when I called my dad to let him know my uncle was pulling into my neighborhood he went to said event without me or Z. I was heartbroken. I haven’t let Z know.
The reason for my uncle’s visit? He left his wife. Some shit has been going on behind the scenes. The biggest one is that a paternity test proved that his 13 year old daughter isn’t his. On top of that, his wife of 20 years caused him too lose his SSI, takes their car to haul their neighbours to and from the store and appointments, causing him to miss his own appointments. Doctors, therapists, psychologists. We have a trifecta of abuse: medical neglect, emotional abuse, AND psychological abuse. My uncle is diagnosed bipolar, and she’s preventing him from getting his necessary medications for it.
While my uncle was here, I get a phone call from FMIL (future mother-in-law, Finn’s mom) to cancel the cookout we’d been invited to yesterday.
Why? Because they suddenly had to tear up their carpet to install hardwood floors. There wouldn’t be enough room for everyone. Oh, but of course, they wanted Finn there to help.
I. Lost. It. It felt as though Z and I were unwanted and unwelcome. As I’ve told Finn, little things add up. They constantly cancel last minute, or refuse to come to any event we have at our place.
Finn didn’t go yesterday. He tried calling both his mom & dad, but neither answered. He didn’t leave a message for either.
I had an emotional breakdown yesterday. After Saturday’s events, I told Finn I was feeling unwanted and rejected by both sets of parents. I was already emotionally on edge, so it caused an argument. He said I was making a mountain out of a mole hill. I told him little things add up.
I was trying to calm myself, so I started playing with my hair. When I looked in the mirror, I saw my mom’s face. I look just like my mom. I’ve already been missing her and thinking of her daily, so add in the extra emotional stuff from Saturday, plus the anniversary of her passing coming up quick, and it was just a disaster waiting to happen.
I stopped drinking soda just over three months ago. April 18th, to be specific. It started out because the carbonation was painful for my abscessed tooth. Now, I have quite a few body modifications (14, to be exact. No, I won’t tell you where/what.), and have given birth twice (one natural, unmedicated, one emergency c-section), and the none of that came anywhere close to the abscessed tooth. I seriously thought I was dying. I’m not being overdramatic, i refused to go to sleep the night before I went into the emergency room, because I didn’t think I would wake up.
Anyway, because of the pain, I only drank soda to get those horse pills down, because it wasn’t happening any other way. That eventually led to me just losing the taste for it. I had half a case sitting in the kitchen that we’d bought in March, until I was able to pawn it off on someone earlier this month.
Since April, when I stopped drinking it, I’ve lost 2.5 inches in my waist. Any weight loss has been minimal, since the rest of my measurements remain the same. I simply just lost the bloat caused by consuming so much carbonation.
I caught a glance at my figure in the full length mirror this morning, and was amazed. I have my flat stomach back. I have my ‘V’ back, I have my abs back.
Since I’m already thin and only lost my belly, my boobs, hips, and thighs look bigger. Damnit, I look fucking AMAZING. And I love it.
No more soda for me again. Ever. This body makes it worth it.
She wants to match the bridal party.
She. Wants. To. Match. The. Bridal. Party.
She asked me the other day if I had a preference as to what colors I want the guests to wear. I told her anything but the wedding colors. Even sent her a sample of the wedding colors. But she’s set on wearing pink. My Maid of Honor is wearing pink.
She found out that Finn will be wearing boots, so she wants her husband to wear boots. Her exact words were “and boots too since Finn’s wearing boots.”
She even asked me what kind of shoes I’ll be wearing. I’m pissed off. I’m annoyed. This is not normal behavior. And it’s stressing me the fuck out.
Someone needs to reign her the fuck in. This is OUR wedding, and I REFUSE to let someone take it over.
Fuck. That. Noise.
Well… I woke up in a good mood this morning, but that quickly went to absolute shit.
First, I get guilt trips for visiting my aunt that I haven’t seen in three years, because I didn’t let anyone know I would be there. I didn’t even know I was going to be there until five minutes before my dad pulled into her driveway.
Second, I started a private group on Facebook so MOH and I could organise my bachelorette spa day. I posted yesterday asking when would be a good day for everyone. Not one single person had replied. It had been seen by both Finn’s mom and SIL, but neither replied.
I thought they wanted to be involved?
Oh wait, that’s right, they only want to be involved when my family isn’t.
I’m done. So. Fucking. Done.
The only thing I can remotely come up with is that it’s a jealousy thing.I told her when we first got engaged that I wanted a girl’s day with her and Finn’s sister. I guess she’s upset I’m trying to include both sides. It’s all well and good when it’s just her family, but she doesn’t want to be involved when my family is included.
I’ll give it a couple weeks, and if no one responds, cancel it due to “lack of interest”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find a rock to curl up under so I can cry my eyes out in peace.