Monthly Archives: October 2014

Friday Confessions 10/31

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I had one helluva night last night! It was flipping AMAZING! Great friends, good beer, and awesome memories made.

Since I’ve been hanging out with old high school friends again, my mood is shifting. I’m smiling more and more.

I’ve been stuck between a rock and a hard place recently. Wanting to hang out with friends, but not wanting to bring them down. Internalizing. Basically, trying to “fake it til I make it.” Trying, and failing, apparently. Guess I gotta try harder.

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Thoughtful Thursday

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No WTF Wednesday yesterday, since most of the day was WTF.

STBXH texted me to ask if I would have Z call him when he got home from school. Ummmm, what??? Sorry, you were his stepfather, not his bio-father. There is no reason or need to continue communication with him. Sorry, not sorry. I ended up blocking his text messages. I wish I could be a fly on the wall when he finds that out.  I’m over his lies and attempts at guilt tripping me.

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I’m so ready to get this divorce finalized, so we can fully cut ties. It’s not possible to move onto the next chapter of your life if you keep rereading the last one. 

I’m using the marriage as a learning experience. What I need to do to keep my current relationship healthy, what I do and do not want and what my deal breakers are.

I guess the biggest thing is that I learned a lot of red flags to watch for, even though I ignored them with STBXH. Another lesson learned: Never ignore red flags. Never. Biggest red flag of all was that he kept me and therefore, our relationship, hidden for over a year. Over. A. Year.

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How on Earth was I ever OK with being hidden for over a year?!? I’ll never have an answer for that.

Stronger than I feel…

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Insomnia has hit me again. I’ve officially been up for about 24hours. Compared to some of my other bouts of insomnia, this is nothing, but my mind starts to wander when the darkness falls and the house is still.

I caught a glimpse of a barely-there scar that no one else ever sees a little bit ago. It made me realize how much stronger I am today than I was fourteen years ago. I was a cutter. Self abuse was the daily norm for me. Staying up late, punching my thighs until they bruised, using a sewing needle to form names and dates in my skin, picking at scabs to watch the blood flow, carrying razor blades to school and taking them into the bathroom at lunch. I tried to keep the cuts hidden and shallow enough to keep from scaring, and for the most part, succeeded. I have one or two residual scars that are played off as an accident. I haven’t cut myself in over thirteen years. I wish I could say the same about my other former ways to self harm (scratching and punching myself).

I learned in my teen years that physical pain relieves emotional pain. On the inside, I felt like I was dying, while I smiled on the outside. Winter was the best, long sleeves meant I could hide the marks easier. To this day, I still prefer long sleeved shirts, even in 100°F weather. I feel so exposed when my arms aren’t covered.

I moved on from self harm when I realized that tattoos and piercings were a prettier way to get the physical pain to relieve the emotional. I currently have three tattoos and eleven piercings.

Nothing new in almost three years. It’s been three years since I’ve used physical pain to relieve emotional pain. Three years is huge! From cutting myself 3-5 days a week, to scratching and punching myself, to nothing.

It’s no secret that I’ve been having a rough time with my depression and anxiety recently. Despite this, I no longer use physical pain to relieve emotional pain. I write it out. I’m more vocal than I used to be. Sure, some days are a struggle, but there’s no way I’m going to let myself relapse, not after being able to say it’s been over 13 years since I cut myself.

Shocked…

I was scrolling my Facebook newsfeed and saw a post that literally brought tears to my eyes.

A fire within the NHPS (National Historical Park Service). The Historic District.

NOOOO!!!!!!

As I read more and more comments and updates, I got more and more upset. Listening to the broadcast, holy shit! Two acres of the park destroyed by fire. Then, I hear the exact(ish) location. I’m all but sobbing. Not only is the park burning, but my favorite part. Where I used to hike. Fuck, my trails are being destroyed by fire. I’ve written about them before.

The firefighters can’t reach the fire. It’s on the cliffs.

This isn’t good, not good at all.

I used to volunteer with the first company that responded. Those are my brothers and sisters out on those cliffs, trying to reach the fire that’s threatening to destroy history. So. Much. History. A Civil War trench, trees that have been there since before the war.

It got worse…

One of my brothers fell.
Damnit.
Seventy-five feet. I… I just can’t.
Damnit, Armstrong, you’d better be OK.
Yes! I heard your voice. You’re OK. Be a good little firefighter and listen to the EMTs.

The fire’s still going. Firefighters backing off. I hope it stops spreading.

I can’t help but wonder what caused the fire. A careless smoker? Embers from a fire at the nearby campground?

It’s 2am, and the fire is still blazing. Please, please be safe out there ladies and gentlemen. Please.

Random Thoughts Tuesday

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I’m starting to think I need to start going to a therapist. Internalizing my insecurities and my feelings of worthlessness isn’t a good thing, but I do it out of fear. Fear that no one really likes me, but that they pity me. Fear that no one wants me around. Fear that they see me as I see myself. Unworthy, unimportant, undeserving.

More often than not, I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. All I see is imperfections. I hate me.

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Monday Bitchfest 10/27

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My right shoulder is throbbing. Has been for almost a week. Been doing this off and on for over a year. It keeps me from being able to crochet as much as I’d like.

My friend J and I took a 7 mile hike along the C&O canal today. OMG, my back and legs are so sore. I can’t even walk without wincing in pain. This shit sucks! And, to make it even more fun, I bruised my hip on the foot board of our bed this morning. I underestimated my hips(again). You’d think I’d realize by now that despite my small frame, I’ve got hips.

So, um, yeah…

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I'm going to tape this sign to Z's bedroom door on snow days.

Nah, not really. I’ve been laughing most of the day, finding the most random stuff on Pinterest, and posting it on Facebook.

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This, for example.

Scott just got home from hunting about an hour ago. He got a button buck. Cute little thing.

I’m not sure WTF has happened, but my depression and anxiety checked itself out a few days ago. I’ve been nothing but smiles yesterday and today. Not sure what happened, but I’ll take it.

I was just invited to go hiking again on Monday. We’re supposed to be heading to the Heights, but we’ll see. We were supposed to take that trail last Monday, but it didn’t happen. I’ll make it to the Heights eventually.

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Lol

What Does It Take To Be Good Enough?

Um, wow…

This post originally started out as something else entirely… until I went to Pinterest looking for chameleon quotes, and discovered an acronym I wasn’t familiar with:

INTP

So, I consulted Google.

Apparently, it’s one of sixteen personality types as defined by Carl Jung.

Wow.

That’s me.

A lot of stuffs just clicked into place in my brain.

Back to Pinterest I go…

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STBXH called these "Tammaisms"

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Two for two...

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What brought me to the realization...

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Well, this all explains a lot…

Friday Confessions 10/24

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Scott and I got into a little bit of an argument yesterday…

I finally talked to him about what’s been bothering me… STBXH’s confession about his fantasy life.  He doesn’t understand why I was upset by it. For five years, I wasn’t good enough for STBXH. It took a serious hit to my already barely there self esteem.

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By the time we got home, we’d talked it through, while Scott still doesn’t fully understand, we’ve worked through it. Our arguments never last long, and always leave me feeling closer to him.

It’ll be a daily struggle, but I’m slowly pulling myself out of this depression. I’m just blessed to have someone that understands and gives me what I need in order to heal.