Monthly Archives: November 2014
Since Z has been with his father since Tuesday, I’ve been taking advantage of the ability to go out. I went out Tuesday night for karaoke (and got talked into singing O.o), and last night, since Scott was working. Holy fuck, I had a blast both nights! Meeting new friends and hanging out with old friends. I loved it.
I think they were trying to play “Let’s get Tamma fucked up” last night. I’d go out to the dance floor, and come back to another shot or Angry Orchard in front of me. I love that bar. Everyone knows me. The bartenders, the doorman (Lol), even the DJ knows me by name.
Early on in the evening, I was super jumpy, looking over my shoulder, watching the door and the monitor. A couple of my friends picked up on it and asked me WTF. I told them that I still worry about STBXH’s friends showing up. It’s a real fear. The two friends looked at each other, laughed, and told me to look around. Between them, Scott, the bartender, and everyone else that knows me there, no one was gonna fuck with me.
OMG, I hurt. Both of my knees are bruised. Drunk Tamma decided to demonstrate how she can fold herself in half. Less than gracefully. Scott was laughing his ass off at me. He said he likes to see me having fun. At least sober Tamma remembers everything.
I know, I know, I’ve been slacking with posting. I’ve been seriously distracted the past couple of weeks. Not by anything in particular, just reading a lot, and trying to figure out Christmas presents.
My insomnia has been keeping me up until two or three in the morning. I’ll go to bed around midnight and the most random thoughts will keep me awake for a few more hours. Tattoos, piercings, Scott, wondering if we’ll ever get married, his arms around me. As soon as I climb into bed, he rolls over and pulls me into him. He’ll be completely out, but still do this. It feels almost instinctual at this point.
Why are the roughest, worked in hands always the most tender in their touch? Scott’s hands have been roughened by a lifetime’s worth of work and yet, when they run over my bare skin, they feel like a flower’s petal. It makes me melt into his arms, which is exactly what he wants.
He’s so gentle with me, almost like he’s scared he’ll break me. I can feel the love emanating from his touch. Every time he holds me, I can feel his love for me.
As bad as it sounds, I feel more connected to him than I did with anyone else. All it takes is a look, and we know. Things are so much different with him. He owns my heart, and has since the first moment he pulled me into his chest. I instantly felt safe and protected. I was home. His arms are/were my safe place. All my worries melt away when he’s holding me.
Yesterday, I baked a batch of (homemade) chocolate chip cookies, plus made a full Sunday dinner. He’s domesticating me. I don’t know if I’m more scared that he’s doing that, or that I’m allowing it to happen. Even though I’ve been married twice, I never thought settle down enough to be a “housewife.”
WTF is happening? Have I finally met “the one” that’s going to tame me? What does this mean? That Scott and I will eventually get married? Or, I’ll stay as an “honorary” housewife? Either way, our relationship isn’t ending anytime soon. After all, he’s already put a (promise) ring on it.
It’s been a busy few days, and I forgot to post. Lots of stuff going on…
Trying to figure out Christmas presents, figure out how we’re supposed to decorate the living room, when it’s covered in taxidermied animals and camo dipped buck skulls. (Why do I see at least one of the bucks wrapped in Christmas lights?)
It’s been two weeks since I quit smoking, going strong with my vape. I love it!
Scott and I are still doing great. The past few days, I’ve been watching him while he works. It’s mesmerizing to me. It’s hard to explain.
My job hunt continues. I’ve got applications in at all the places close to the house, and I’m working on more farther from home. I hope I get a job soon. Christmas is coming soon, and I haven’t bought the first thing. Ugh. If it weren’t for my kids, I wouldn’t even celebrate. I don’t really celebrate my birthday or Valentine’s Day as it is.
I’ll start posting the blog challenge again tomorrow…
Difficult time in my life
Wow. This one kinda touches a nerve. I’ve gone through a lot of difficult times in my life, but August 2009 was the absolute worst.
It started in late July. I hacked into my ex husband’s MySpace account and found messages from a girl named Aryn, talking about a three-some they’d had during our engagement. Um. Excuse me? (It should be noted that this was less than 12 hours after he essentially raped me) I call him at work, holding the phone an arm’s length away as I scream at him. His boss, also his father, heard me, sends him home.
All kinds of excuses…
How? You have an uncommon name. She knew where you worked, lived, and your roommate by name. (Not buying it)
I… I don’t know, it could have happened, but I was too fucked up to remember.
Riiiight. You got so high/drunk/fucked up to remember you had a fiance?
Two days later, we’re out school shopping and my mom calls me to ask where her cigarettes are. He looked me dead in the eye, with my kids in the backseat and says “One of these days, she’s going to light up a cigarette and keel over, dead.”
And… I’m done. Pack your shit and get the fuck out of my house.
Three weeks to the day after finding out he cheated on me, my Mom lost her battle with lung cancer.
Photo of your handwriting
I’m the only one of my Mom’s five children that went all the way through school and actually graduate with a high school diploma. Two of my siblings got their GED.
Meaning behind my blog name…
Starting Fresh. I’m in the process of completely rebuilding my life after failed marriage #2.
I collect angels. It’s something I got from my mom. I have most of the angels she collected.
I also used to collect frogs, but due to way too many moves, I’ve lost the majority of them.
I haven’t posted since Friday, because, well it was a busy weekend. H came to visit.
It’s been officially a week since I quit smoking. Feels good.
I had all these random things I wanted to post about running through my head at 2am, but lost them to sleep. So annoying.
I knew I should have started this post then, but Scott rolled over and pulled me close and I fell asleep in minutes. That happened a lot last night. I’d start to wake up and move, he’d pull me into him and I’d drift back off. I’ve never had this before. I’ve never been a good co-sleeper. Snoring, drooling, talking in their sleep, punching, kicking, I’ve dealt with it all. Not exactly good for a restful night’s sleep, made even worse with my insomnia. I’ve spent countless nights staring at the walls while everyone else in the house slept peacefully. Always during the winter.
I said in a previous post that I secretly wish Scott and I would get married someday. I’m content with where we are, but there’s always that longing. The longing for something more. He has my heart, and I have his. Two parts of a whole. We share a home, and a bed, for all intents and purposes, we act like a married couple. We take care of each other.
People assume we’ve been together much longer than we have been, some people even assume that we’re married. His daughter swears it’s going to happen “someday,” as do many of our friends. Is it possible for everyone to see something we don’t?
By this point in my last two relationships, we were already engaged. And I was the one to propose. Craziness. I’m surprised I haven’t blurted it out yet. I bit my tongue the one time it almost happened. He was being quite vocal about his feelings for me, and I got lost in the moment. I love that man more than mere words can convey. There’s just no way. No words are good enough.
An average day
7a – wake up, make sure Z is awake
730a – make sure Z eats breakfast
8a – get Z on the bus
815a – wash any dishes that may be left in the sink
830a – watch TV for a little while
9a – sweep and mop floors
930 – more TV time
10a – start a load of laundry
1015 – watch Scott work, start to gag when he cuts off antlers and I see brain tissue ((gag))
1030 – 12n – crochet, crochet, crochet
12n – switch clothes over
1215 – watch Scott work more. Just fleshing, no brains. Yay.
1230 – vacuum living room and bedrooms. Fun.
1p – realize I still haven’t ate today. Drink a cup of chai tea, and relax on the couch.
115 – “Did I take my pill?” Run to go check. Whoops. Take birth control and daily vitamin.
130 – Dust (Ugh, didn’t I just do this yesterday?)
2p – what’s for dinner?
215 – check all freezers, no idea. Ask Scott.
230 – salmon it is
245 – more TV time
3p – get restless, turn on music.
315 – fold clothes.
345 – put clothes away, wait for Z to get home
4p – homework. WTF is this common core crap?!?
430 – Watch TV with Z.
5p – start dinner
515 – see Scott off to work
516- Michael Jackson dance party!
545 – eat dinner
6p – watch TV
7p – wash dishes
715 – veg out in front of TV
Sometime around midnight – go to bed and hug Scott’s pillow until I fall asleep.
If I won the lottery…
I’d pay off everything, get the divorce taken care of, and sit on the rest of it. You never know what may happen.
It’s been a bad day. A really bad day, that started around 10:30 last night. One of my “best friends” posted some foul shit about another friend. And doesn’t understand why everyone’s pissed off at her. This is the same “best friend” that tried to force me to chose between her and a friend I’ve had for 16 years.
There were a lot of exchanges between me and her, Scott and her, E and her, basically, all of us, separately. It was straight up ridiculous. She even accused Scott of not “allowing” me to respond to her. Excuse me? It ended with all of us unfriending her, and her blocking us. She’s a real peach.
Yeah.. over it.