Monthly Archives: December 2014

Reflections ~ 2014

Closing the door on another year, what a year it has been!

Definitely a year of changes. I never would have thought my life would change so much in a year. When 2014 began, I was not expecting it to end with me living in another city, and separated from STBXH. I don’t think anyone would really expect as many changes as I’ve faced in just one year.

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STBXH and I started 2014 off with one of our biggest fights. He told me to “get over it” and “deal with it” when I was offended and highly upset by a skinny hate Facebook post from his sister, when he had previously told her such posts offended me. It got to the point that I stormed out of the house, in the middle of a snowstorm, during the coldest winter in 20 years. Yup, I was that pissed off at the whole family. I told him that night that I wanted a divorce, but he didn’t believe me.

STBXH tried to make things work, but I’d have a bad day, and he seemingly gave up. It was a cycle. I’d have a breakdown, he’d make an attempt for a few days, then we’d go back to our old routine.

When I met Captain back in April, things began to shift. I grew more and more distant from STBXH, and confided in Captain. When I met Scott, I was already done with the marriage (and looking for an apartment), I had even told STBXH that I couldn’t do it anymore, that it was too late. He begged me not to say that, but it was. I’d discovered that I needed more than a part-time companion. I needed an emotional connection, as well as a physical one.

I took my wedding ring off the final time on June 8th when I was at work. Hours before I told him I was done. I was not wearing my ring when I met Scott.

The night I met Scott (and the following week), he proved that he listened. Not just to what I was saying to him, but also what I was saying to my friends. He overheard me saying that I missed my writing, so he bought me a pink leather bound journal and a pink pen with refills. He’d also heard me tell my friends my heritage (German, French & Irish), so the same night he surprised me with the journal and pen, he have me a claddagh ring and necklace, and a thumb ring with the word “trust” on it. He gave it to me one night when he picked me up from work, while I was still living with STBXH. I was trying to figure out how to hide it, but instead just said “fuck it” and put the jewelry on.

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So many people have come in and out of my life this year, and it’s not a bad thing. I did a lot of growing and finding myself. I’m in charge of my happiness. If someone is dragging me down, I owe it to myself to remove them from my life. This, I think, is part of why I’m able to keep my depression and anxiety in check.

With fewer people in my life, it’s easier for me to explain when I’m having a bad anxiety day. No one really understands how bad my anxiety really is. I tried explaining it to E as best I could, but I still don’t think she fully grasps how bad the attacks really are. Your heart races, your breathing quickens and becomes shallow. It truly is a terrifying experience. Some people are rushed to the hospital, thinking they’re having a heart attack.

Scott and I are doing great. Everyday, he says something else that speeds up my heart. He’s making plans for the future. Our future together. My future without him when he passes (hopefully a very, very long time from now). He wants to make sure I’ll be taken care of, and told Scott#2 this on Christmas Eve. Apparently, I get the house and the car.

I’m beginning 2015 the happiest I’ve ever been, with a man that makes me smile like an idiot every time he tells me he loves me.

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2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 710 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 12 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Missing Scott…

He’s working tonight, and the littles are sleeping. It’s so quiet. All I can think of is how much I want some Scott snuggles.

Guess it’s time to get a shower, cuddle up with his pillow and warm the bed up for him. 💕💞😍👣

Tattoos and skin contact

Is it just me, or is tattooed skin more sensitive to touch than non-tattooed skin?

I have three tattoos. One on my lower back (double dragons – not a tramp stamp), one on my right shoulder blade, and one on the inside of my left wrist. The past few months, I’ve noticed that they’re more sensitive than the surrounding skin.

I love skin contact! Even someone just running their fingertips down my arm makes me melt. Touch is just so important to me. Hug me with your hands in the back of my shirt, and I’m yours.

I’m planning on getting a phoenix tattoo on my side (eventually), and I can only imagine how sensitive that skin will end up being, since it’s already one of the most sensitive areas on my body.

Random Thoughts Tuesday

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I keep meaning to post, but December has prevented it.

Things are shifting… Again. Scott’s choice of words are speaking a different tune as of late. Not in a negative way, per se. It’s his use of plurals and that he’s been using a lot of present continuous wording. The future.

He’s been making it blatantly clear that he’s planning on keeping me around for the rest of his life. 👣👣

Best Birthday, EVER

My boys and I spent the day baking Christmas cookies.

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Yummy! All made from scratch.

We hung out in their room, watching movies and taking silly pictures.

They spent the night at my dad’s house, and I went to the bar and hung out with my friends. Scott, Bozo, C, J (with his new girlfriend), and JT were all there. I had sooo much fun. Definitely my best birthday ever. Scott, great friends, good music and booze.

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It was the first birthday in five years that I was able to forget the mistake I’d made on my 24th birthday.

He did it again…

I overslept (again) this morning. When I woke up, Scott had already left to go run some errands.

One of which was to pick up my ring, which had been sent in for repairs. After he’d handed me the bag the box was in (I said “kinda overkill isn’t it”? He shrugged.), he verified that my birthday is, indeed, Saturday. When I said “yes,” he asked if I wanted my present early (WTF? What present?).

He walked back into the bedroom and when he came back, he was holding a Zales box. Are you freaking kidding me?!? More jewelry?

Now, it needs to be understood, while I do have a lot of jewelry, almost every piece I own has immense sentimental value to me. Most are family heirlooms, from my grandmother, to my mother, to me.

Anyway…

I open the box, and there’s a pair of earrings that match the ring he got me. OMG, more blue diamonds?! Stunningly beautiful! I’m not usually a diamond girl, I prefer more colored gemstones. To me, they just stand out more.

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Six Months…

(Warning, this post will make me look like a sentimental slob)

It’s been six months today since Scott walked into my life and turned it all upside-down. He challenges me (mind, body and soul) in ways no one else ever has.

I went to work with him Saturday night and got drunk. Always fun. I’m an emotional drunk, so on our way home, I pretty much poured my heart out to him. I want a future with him. No ring, no piece of paper necessary. Just him and his heart. Drunk words = sober thoughts.

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