Monthly Archives: February 2015

I’m gonna be OK…

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but I’m gonna be OK.

I’m a strong woman, often stronger than I feel. I’ve been through hell and back, and always pull out stronger than before.

It hurts now, I can’t deny that. But, in time, I know I’ll heal. This isn’t an ordinary breakup, this is Scott doing what he feels is right, and I can’t fault him for that. I’m not losing him because we fell out of love. I’m losing him because of his diagnosis. And even then, I’m not losing him, not really. I’ll still have his friendship.

He’s given me the best eight months of my life. It sucks that I only got eight months with him, but I’ll cherish every memory we created.

It’s going to take a long time before I’m ready to date again, but for now, I’m OK. It’s no longer ‘I have to do this.’  It’s ‘I CAN do this.’  For myself and Scott. I’ll never not love him. He’s been an amazing boyfriend. The best.

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I have no idea…

Ever since Scott dropped the bomb on me, I feel like I’ve been living in a fog.

Trying to explain it to outsiders makes it hurt even worse. They’re asking if Scott ever even loved me. This is his way of showing love. He says that this is easier on me, than going on, knowing his life expectancy has dramatically dropped, instead of keeping me around to fall even deeper in love with him. If it hurts this much now, how much would it hurt in a year or two? My father agrees. I hate it, I don’t agree with it, but I’m accepting it.

As far as ‘we’ are concerned, nothing’s really changed. We still hug and kiss and say “I love you.” I’m not losing Scott to a breakup, I’m losing him to cancer. And that’s what I’m planning on telling anyone who may come into my life later on. I just need them to understand that I’ll always love Scott. He was my one true love. No one from my past comes even remotely close to him, and I doubt anyone in the future will, either. He’s in my heart and soul. I’ll mourn for him until the day I die.

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Broken…

I’m lost.
I’m confused.
I’m heartbroken.

Scott is essentially breaking up with me because of his diagnosis. He wants me to go out and meet someone else. He doesn’t want me to “waste time” on him.

I have no words…

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Scott’s Home

That’s the height of the good news right now.

Everyone wants a piece of him now. Everyone’s talking about who’s getting what when he passes. They’re talking about what they’re getting, and I’m thinking about what I’ll lose.

In a word? Everything. My boyfriend, and my home are the two biggest things. Once again, my life will be turned upside down. I don’t expect anything that I didn’t walk into the relationship with, other than what he specifically bought for me and my kids (my jewelry, the kid’s bunk beds and Xbox).

I just want time alone with him, so we can build memories while I still have him.

I love this…

Sometimes, it’s an emergency that makes us emerge and see.

Random Thought Tuesday 2/24

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With everything that’s been going on recently, I’m even more adamant about wanting to marry Scott. Not because of material possessions, but because I’ve wanted to since our first kiss. I’d assumed we’d have years upon years together, but now I have to come to terms that that may not be our reality. He’s in my heart and soul, and will be until the day I die. Words cannot properly convey how much love I carry for him.

Cancer robs you of hopes and dreams. It makes you face mortality, even if you’re not the one that was diagnosed with it. It infects your thoughts until the worry and grief consumes you.

I’m trying. I’m trying to be positive in the face of uncertainty. It took me 31 years to finally meet the one man, unlike any other, and now after only eight months, we’re being tested.

(Sort of) Scott Update

They told him today that it is lung cancer. However, there’s no tumor…

That could mean one of two things:

Either we caught it extremely early, which would be the best scenario.

Or…

It could be in his blood, which would be the worst scenario.

So, we’re still pretty much in limbo until he talks to the oncologist.

Some Light in the Darkness

I had to stop at the corner store this morning, and the owner stopped me and asked me about my hours available to work. So, good news. I might have a job lined up. He made it sound like he definitely wants to hire me, and will work with me when it comes to hours.

This is so much needed right now.

No New News

The past few days have been extremely overwhelming. Friends keep checking up on me. I’m as OK as I’m going to be until we know what we’re dealing with.

They’ve been taking X-rays and CT scans almost daily. And while ordinarily so much exposure to radiation would freak me out, when dealing with cancer, it could only help. Our roommate and I were joking around last night, saying if it was just the cancerous cells, he’d be cured by the time he gets released. Wishful thinking, huh?

What worries me the most is that he’s always told me he’d never do treatments if he was diagnosed with cancer. Now that he’s actually facing it, I think his conviction is slipping. I asked him the other night if he still felt the same. He said we’d have to wait and see what they say. All I can do is be supportive of whatever he decides to do.

I’m clinging to a glimmer of hope. Even with all the CT scans and X-rays, they haven’t found a tumor. I just want to know exactly what we’re dealing with. I want him home.

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Here We Go…

I really didn’t want to have to write this post.

I’m fucking terrified. The initial tests came back from the fluid they drained from Scott’s lung, and it’s bad news. They found cancerous cells. There’s obviously more testing to be done, so we can find out what type and stage.

I’m heartbroken and terrified, but trying to hold it together. It took me 31 years to find this man, and after only having eight months with him, I’m faced with the (very real) possibility of losing him. Everyone keeps telling me he’ll be fine, that he’ll beat it. They haven’t seen cancer the way I have. They haven’t seen their mother wilt away. There’s not some magic pill that’s just going to make this go away.

This blog is about to get real, real fast.

Fuck you, cancer.

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