Monthly Archives: February 2015

Running on Zero Sleep

No sleep for me last night… I’ve been up since 0700 yesterday morning. I spent all night researching. Divorce, separation, what causes fluid in the lung. I came up with an after-effect of the pneumonia, Congestive Heart Failure, and cancer, among others. Obviously, we’re hoping it’s from the pneumonia. That’s the best case scenario.

They’ve done X-rays, a ct scan, and blood work, but aren’t saying anything. I’m fairly confident that it’s not cancer, since he’s had multiple chest X-rays and ct scans since October, and nothing has shown up yet.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m luring myself into a false sense of security.

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Still Freaking Out

I got to visit Scott today, but only for a little while, as I was with my friend and her 3year old.

He said that when they did the CAT scan, his lung was full of fluid, other than a small pocket of air at the top. They drained 2 liters yesterday. The good news is that it’s clear fluid. They still don’t know what’s causing it. It could be from the pneumonia last month. That’s what we’re hoping, because some of the other possible causes terrify me. The big C. Cancer. The only person I’ve told is my sister.

I lost my mom to lung cancer on August 20th, 2009.

I just wanna break down and cry. It just doesn’t seem fair. I’ve only just met him, I can’t lose him already. It breaks my heart, seeing him like this. He’s got a fucking drain tube coming out of his side. A fucking incision. Surgery. Fuck. It’s things like this that make you realize just how much you love someone.

This is the only man I want for the rest of my life. No other man will compare to my Scott. No one. Not even close.

Yet Another Blow…

Scott finally went to urgent care this morning, and was sent to the hospital. He’s got fluid in his left lung.

Fuck you, 2015. Fuck. You.

So, he was admitted to drain the fluid. I’m going to go visit him tomorrow.

I’m so worried. I’ve seen this before. My mom. I keep flashing back to her in the hospital having fluid drained from her lungs. He just called me, and while I feel better having spoke to him, I’m still worried and freaking out.

Random Thoughts Tuesday

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Today’s one of those days I wish I could just collapse into a pile on the floor and cry until I just can’t anymore.

I feel completely and totally useless. Worthless. I wish I could do more, but there’s nothing more I can do. I hate it.

Well… at least he’s upright now. And he ate dinner. So, we’re making some progress. Woo-Hoo!

Add the snow piled outside on top of illnesses inside, I’m one cranky-ass bitch. Don’t fucking fuck with me today.

I wish I could be more feisty than depressed, but I’m working on it.

Funny thing…  I posted this on Facebook last week…

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And my ex (who hasn’t seen me in nearly a decade), decides to message me to tell me “you ain’t no firecracker.”

(Dude, if you only knew…)

And then goes on to question why I’m dating such an old man.

First, check yourself dude. It’s none of your fucking business.

Second, he’s settled, knew what he wanted, and went for it, without head games. Basically, everything YOU weren’t.

Third, for the love of God, watch your grammar. It makes my eyes bleed.

Day Three

Scott’s still not himself, and it’s worrying me. All he’s really done the past three days is sleep. I’m just hoping that with all this rest, he’s actually healing.

I hate having to go to sleep in an otherwise empty bed. I hate not feeling his body close to mine as I drift off. I hate not waking up beside him. I hate it all.

I miss my Scott snuggles. I miss feeling his beard on my back as he kisses my shoulder. I miss my happy, healthy Scott.

I feel useless, because there’s nothing more I can do. I’m doing all I can. I wish I could do something, anything, to heal him. I wish I could take his pain myself, so he didn’t have to deal with it any longer.

I just want my happy, healthy Scott back.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

The past couple of days, I haven’t vocally told Scott that I love him. Key word: Vocally.

No, I’ve only gotten him food, drinks, kept the fire going, brought in the firewood, checked the bugs, got his gun out of the car, and did anything else he requested of me.

Why?

Because he’s in pain. He’s not acting like himself. The man that can’t sit still for more than 20 minutes has been planted in his recliner since we got home from the bar at 0230 yesterday morning. Plus, I told him yesterday to tell me what he wanted/needed and I would take care of it.

In sickness and in health.

We’re not married, and not planning on ever getting married, but we’re partners in this life. So, spiritually married, without the legal benefits?

Last night…

Yesterday was one of the most amazing days I’ve experienced in this relationship.

Since Z is with his father until tomorrow for the long weekend, I went to work with Scott (I may not exactly celebrate Valentine’s Day, but there was no way I was going to sit at home alone). A combination of nasty weather and freezing temps made for a rather subdued night.

It was PERFECT. I sat by the door, hanging out with the guys that play pool. I felt so serene, just being near Scott. I felt so calm and relaxed. Every now and then, one of us would reach out a hand, and give the other’s a squeeze. It was so sweet. It felt like I was lit by an inner glow.

Early on in our relationship, there was a lot of PDA, but now I think we’re just so content with where our relationship is, it’s no longer necessary. We glance, graze hands, a little hug, and occasionally steal a peck, and that’s all we need.  The little things are so much more intimate than huge shows of PDA.

Valentine’s Day

I get a lot of strange looks when I tell people I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. To me, is just another day created to get men in trouble.

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It’s especially worse with social media. You have all these women posting pictures of what their husband/boyfriend/fuck buddy bought them, like they’re trying to prove that they’re loved the most. And the men just have to compete to keep up. To me, that’s not special. It’s so much more meaningful when it comes out of the blue.

What did I ask for for Valentine’s Day?

Time. Nothing more, nothing less. Just time together. He obliged.

He also brought me home a Monster Energy drink when he went to the store.

He knows me so well.

WTF Wednesday

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WTF, ear? Seriously, another infection? Guess it’s a heating pad & hot tea kinda day.

WTF, brain? Quit playing head games with me.

WTF, 2015? Just… What. The. Fuck.

Tamma 👣

Random Thoughts Tuesday

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Love is a funny thing, isn’t it?

You’re living your life and all of a sudden, someone walks in and changes everything you thought you knew. Everything can change in an instant. You’re left wondering “WTF just happened?” while everyone around you acts like it’s business as usual. You look around, wondering why no one else felt the earth tremor, or saw that bolt of lightening.

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Your friends look at you. They know. Your eyes tell the truth. You just fell for him. No, you didn’t fall, you tripped. You felt the jolt, and everything clicked. His eyes, his scent, his voice. All of him. Then, his lips graze yours, and your knees are suddenly weak.

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He catches you as you fall into his arms. Suddenly, everything makes perfect sense.

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You just fell in love.

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