Monthly Archives: June 2016

Living with PTSD

Ugh, my posts have been so negative recently. Really, the only negatives right now are Finn’s uncle and grandmother. Moreso his uncle than his grandmother. His grandmother is fine, until she allows his uncle to treat me the way he does.

It’s just that my nerves are so shot when his uncle comes around. It’s like he knows every single one of my triggers. He knows he’s getting under my skin, and that’s why he continues to do it. What he isn’t aware of, however, is my PTSD. He continuously hits my trigger words and phrases. If I ever lose control, it’s a very real possibility that I will go into a flashback. Lord help him if he ever tries to touch me.

image

My flashbacks come in three forms: fight, flight, or collapse. Fight makes me look like a bitch, flight makes it look like they’ve won, and collapse makes me look like a drama queen. There’s no winning in a flashback. My most common response is collapse. That’s exactly what I do. I collapse into the fetal position and cry and shake until I can pull myself out of it. Then I’ll feel weak and vulnerable the next few days.

I’m currently on edge, because one of my “trigger dates” is coming up. July 5, 2004. The day the emotional and verbal abuse became physical. My (then) boyfriend and father of my oldest son grabbed me by both biceps (leaving hand shaped bruises) and bent me backward over our porch railing. In front of his entire family. He then called my parents house, and screamed into the phone “you better come get her, or I’m going to kill her!”

Six months later, on December 26, 2004, he tried to make good on his promise. He straddled me on the bed, and wrapped bath hands around my neck (again, leaving bruises). He continued to choke me until my vision started going black. To this day, I have no clue how I escaped his grasp. I only remember planting my feet on his chest and kicking him off of me. That was the day I walked out.

Of course, his family blamed me. Said I left scratches on his face and gave him a black eye. His mom was pissed that I’d left him without a phone.

PTSD sucks. You live through the initial trauma, only to have to relive it at unexpected times and places. My last flashback happened during sex. That killed sexy time real quick.

I told Finn about my PTSD when I first saw the potential of a relationship. He deserved to know what he was getting into. I told him all of my triggers, and how best to pull me out and back into this place & time.

Staying Prepared

I decided last night/this morning that I’m going to pack up all of our non-necessities, while still keeping them easily accessible.

Finn and I have bought a LOT of kitchen items and decorations since we’ve moved into this house, and I don’t trust Finn’s uncle not to argue and say that he’d left it here.

Honestly, I don’t trust that man at all. He’s been coming up every weekend to “store” more stuff in the garage. I had several boxes in the garage that have been “lost in the shuffle.” Stuff that Scott gave me, so if it **poofs** I’m going to be highly, HIGHLY pissed. 

I’ve even started a list of our stuff…

image

Excuse the handwriting.

Maybe I am being petty, but I’m not about to supply anyone else. We spent our money on this stuff, and it’s coming with us. Hell, Finn said he’s going to pack up everything we’ve bought to improve this place. I’m laughing my ass off at that, since we’ve replaced all the light bulbs, a doorknob, and the kitchen faucet. I’m also laughing my ass off because the toaster and microwave she had here both broke. The toaster was replaced by the one Scott gave me (no way in hell is it staying here), and Finn replaced the microwave ($150, so it definitely isn’t staying here).

Finn wants to get all of our stuff from the garage and store it in our bedroom. No big deal, since we sleep in the living room. Yeah, no big deal until his grandmother shows up, takes over Z’s room, so he’s transferred into our room. Or even better…  when she brings the girls up. Grandma takes over Z’s room, the girls take over our room, and poor Z gets displaced to the couch.

Can I just say I HATE that his grandmother;

A.) Forces this on us, with ZERO warning,

B.) Allows the girls to take over our room (kids snoop, and we have a lot of adult oriented items, not to mention my three jewelry boxes, full of family heirlooms),

C.) Expects us to stop whatever it is we’re doing to do something for her (oh, you’re watching a movie, turn on the news for me),

D.) Gets upset that I don’t change how I make things for her. (I was making tea one day, and she told me not to put sugar in it, and then got pissed when I told her I was making raspberry tea. Maybe next time, I’ll make peach tea),

E.) Throws stuff away without thinking or asking. Not just random shit, either. SHE THREW AWAY MY FAVORITE JACKET. Yeah, I was fucking pissed. We pulled it out of the trash bag (it was just the jacket, a pair of Z’s pants, and some tile), I washed it and plan on hanging it in an obvious place so she can see it when (if) she shows up this weekend.

Dealing with her is bad enough that I’m planning on going with Finn on a side job this weekend to sit in the truck and read, just to get away from her snide remarks.
“Finn needs a woman who’ll take care of him.”
“Finn’ll make a woman very happy, someday.”
“Finn needs someone… ”

Seriously, open your fucking eyes and see that *I* make Finn happy. The whole family sees it, except for you.

I could go on&on. I simply cannot wait until Finn and I have our own place. This shit is  fucking ridiculous.

Monday Bitchfest 6/27/2016

image

OMFG… I’m pissed.

Back story:
Finn and I rent his grandmother’s house, while she lives out of state to babysit Finn’s two young cousins. All of the utilities (electric, satellite, trash pickup, and internet services) are in our name. Basically, while we rent from his grandmother, it’s no different than renting from a non-related landlord.

Except…

If it were any other landlord-tenant situation, the shit she does would be hugely illegal…

She’ll randomly show up on weekends (five in a row, now. And planning on coming up next weekend. **internally screaming**). She’ll bring Finn’s cousins (9 & 11 year old girls… guess who becomes their entertainment) up. She digs through our refrigerator and freezer and use whatever she wants, without asking if I was planning on using it for something else (I have a severely limited diet, due to food sensitivities, and she’ll use our foods to make stuff I can’t eat). Sometimes, it’s the whole weekend, while others are only a few hours on Saturday, with her son (who I cannot stand, for many, many reasons).

He’s a classic misogynistic asshole. Only, he doesn’t out & out say it. No, he only talks down to me. Claiming “all women are the same.” That I had no right to ask for child support when I divorced my son’s father (ummm, what?). He tries to order me around when they’re here. And when I refuse, Grandma shoots me nasty looks.

All that being said… there are rumors going around the family that she’s planning on allowing him to move back in.

Ohhhh, hell to the no. I absolutely loathe that man. I’d rather live in a tent than in the same house as that man and his brat son.

And then yesterday, more of the rumor was revealed to us… That she plans on kicking us out, to allow for him to move in. All of this being said, without her saying one word to us. I feel like we’re living in the dark, and I HATE it.

It’s such a fucked up situation, and everyone sees it, except for her and her misogynistic son.

I’ve told Finn I’m shocked she allows him to talk to any female the way he talks to me. Maybe I’m more sensitive than most, because of what I’ve lived through. When I was clearly upset by things he’s said to Finn about me, she says “he’s just trying to tell Finn how it is.”

FUCKING BULLSHIT! You can’t blame every woman (or man), for something someone in your past did.

I’m fucking sick & tired of dealing with their attitude and demands. She knows our routine, and still chooses to show up, expecting us to be there for her beck and call. Nope. Sorry. Neither me nor Finn (or the rest of his family) can stand the asshole you raised.

I’m really, really hoping for some sort of torrential downpour this weekend, so she won’t show up. Z’s birthday is on the first, but since he’ll still be with his father we’re planning to surprise him when he gets home. And I’m going to be hugely FUCKING pissed if they show up and ruin his birthday.

So, yeah. Pissed is an understatement.

We’re actively looking for a new place. And I hope like hell she’ll never randomly show up with Finn’s uncle, cause trust me, I WILL have something to say about that.

Holy Shi….

So, well, ummm…

I woke up last night to find Finn perusing real estate websites.

He’s looking for a place that is ours. A place for us to settle down.

I’ve never had a place that was “mine” or “ours”. I’ve always been a renter. Never had any degree of permanence since I left my parents’ house.

Irritated…

((I am in major crankpot mode))
(Language warning)

OMFG. Finn’s grandmother just showed up, for the third weekend in a row. Every time she’s here, she turns shit upside down. Seriously. Everything.

My cooking, our family activities, all of it. Finn and I aren’t even allowed to sleep in the same bed together when she’s here.

And guess what?

I’m PMSing like a bitch. FUN! My super-awesome PMS makes me all cuddly and horny as FUCK. Touch me. Touch me, NOW. Nope, can’t happen this weekend. Even more fucking annoying? Z is leaving to be with his father for two weeks.

Sooo…  kid free weekend, me horny as fuuuck, and a guarantee of NO SEX? Yeah… I wanna fucking cry.

Every. Fucking. Time. She shows up on the weekend when I’m PMSing. No warning, she just shows up. This shit is getting old.

I just want my Finn cuddles. And to have him fuck my brains out.

Craziness…

I don’t even know where to begin… things have gone crazy in my area.

I currently live in a teeny, tiny town that doesn’t even have it’s own zip code. It’s not even on the map.

Aside from my last post, there have been four more shooting murders. One was a triple homicide (MoCo), which led to an 8 hour manhunt that went through four states. O_O

The suicide of a much loved drama teacher (JeffCo), who I had during the ’98-’99 school year. Some bad things have been uncovered during the investigation. Three days later, another teacher I had during my teenage years passed away. It was a long battle with breast cancer.

And today, they announced that a body of a teenage boy missing from a neighboring state was found in the same county. What.The.Fuck. JeffCo?

A lady I’ve written about on here before, JT, was in a horrific motorcycle accident last night, and is currently on life support at INOVA Fairfax.

Even more fun…

A fucking TORNADO touched down in my county. A ways away from home, but only a few miles away from Finn at work.

What.The.Fuck?