Monthly Archives: July 2016

We Got It!!!

We sign the papers and move in Saturday! 

I’m freaking ecstatic right now. OMG, I can’t believe how fast this all moved.  I never would have expected it to be this fast.

OMG,  Finn and I have a place of our own.  I’m too excited to think of anything else.

But…  Now I have to go pack. 😄

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Wait… What?

Sooo,  I called my dad to tell him the news. He was,  of course,  happy for us. But, there’s more.  My father said words he’s NEVER said about any man I’ve ever dated…

He seems like a good guy.

Wow…

He usually either stays silent or has an obvious dislike. He was spot on when he said STBXH was using me,  even though at the time I had no possible clue as to how he could have been using me.

But… Wow. Just… Wow.  My dad actually likes Finn.

This day just keeps getting better and better.

Post and Run

Just got word that we were approved by the park.  Now we’re waiting for Finn’s employment verification.

**happy dance**

Packing…

Whether we get this place or not,  I’m still going through this house like a tornado,  packing ALL of our stuff. Petty or not,  I’m packing EVERYTHING, right down to the toilet paper,  paper towels,  and any and all food we’ve purchased. It’s not our job to provide anything for them. As it is,  I’m noticing that he’s getting into our canned goods, and my coffee (which I haven’t been drinking what he’s made). With a limited diet because of food sensitivities,  it’s frustrating when people finish off the foods I can actually eat. We have a limited food budget on top of that,  so it’s even more frustrating.

The more I look at the pictures from yesterday, the more I want it. Sure, it’s a trailer.  Sure,  it needs some work (mostly paint, from what I can tell), but it will be ours.

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Standing in the living room, facing the kitchen

I’m excited and nervous.  I’ve never had a place that was mine.  Always living under someone else’s rules.  I mean,  yeah,  we’ll have to follow the rules of the park,  but the interior is ours.  We can decorate however we want. We can paint, and hang pictures, and change anything we want.

We fell in love with this trailer yesterday,  and we’re hoping and praying that we get it.

This waiting game is making me anxious.

I keep checking Pinterest for decoration ideas on a budget.  I know I can do a lot of the crafty stuff myself,  and I probably already have most,  if not all, supplies needed. Thank goodness, I’m a craft hoarder. LMAO.

Things are looking up

Finn and I have been running nonstop since Saturday to find a place…

We found one we fell in love with. We toured it this morning, and put an application in. It’s rent to own, and the current owner wants us in there now. Basically, we’re waiting for our background checks to come in. We both know we’ll pass with zero issues. The worst he has on his history is speeding tickets (and they’re off his driving record), and the worst I have is fishing without a license almost 12 years ago.

So, it’s now a waiting game. I’m trying not to get my hopes up, but this is just too promising.

It’s Cicada Season!

And I absolutely LOVE it! I love the cicada song on hot summer nights.

I often get strange looks when people notice that I wear a necklace with a cicada encased in acrylic, but I promise there is a reason behind my love for these amazing, but annoyingly loud, creatures.

It all started a couple days after I’d discovered that my ex-husband (Z’s father) had cheated on me. I knew I needed time to think and clear my head, so I’d asked him not to come home that night. I knew in my heart that the marriage was over, but I couldn’t get my brain to catch up.

I’d spent most of that evening going back and forth with the possibilities, and by the time I’d gone to bed, I was begging my grandfather (who died when I was two days old) for a sign that I was doing the right thing.

A few hours later, still unable to sleep, I went outside to smoke a cigarette and clear my head. When I looked at the front door, I noticed something strange on the left side of the door jam. On closer inspection, it looked like an alien bug. I just stood there watching it in amazement, and then it dawned on me, I was witnessing a cicada molting, becoming the adult it was meant to be.

The next morning, I went out and looked for the shell, to prove it wasn’t a dream. It was right there, where I remembered it to be. I still have the empty shell, in the top drawer of my jewelry box.

And there you have it. That is why I love cicadas, and look forward to their song every summer. They remind me of the grandfather I never got to meet.

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Parenting Done Right

I know every parent thinks their kid is the best. It’s what we do as parents, we brag about our kid’s accomplishments to anyone that will listen.

I’m guilty of that myself. Though, I’ve never once bragged about Z on this blog, I do on Facebook to an extent.

Z just turned 10 on the first of this month, and he’s the smartest, kindest, thoughtful, most generous child I’ve ever met.

Last night, I asked him to get out the stuff to make dinner, while I go outside to smoke. By the time I come back in, not only had he done that, he also put the water on to boil (spaghetti for dinner).

He’s also done something similar with the laundry, I ask him to bring the basket from upstairs (bad knees, I don’t trust myself going up or down stairs carrying anything heavy). The next thing I know, he’s filled the washer.

He gave himself chores around the house, without any prompting from Finn or myself. He puts the dishes away, takes out the trash, even folds and puts away his own clothes.

Last fall, he mentioned wanting to grow out his hair, just to see what it would look like. I’m guessing it’s because Finn has long hair. Anyway, I mentioned hair donations to him, and he decided that’s what he wants to do.

He’s really sticking to his decision. A lot of people are telling him he needs a haircut (his father, his brother, his brother’s father, kids at school), but he’s holding his ground. I’ve told him “it’s your hair, it’s your business, no one else’s.”

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This is his hair as of a week ago

Productive Day

Phone calls, text messages, and even running down the street (yes, I literally ran) to catch any lead I can on a place to rent ASAP.

We have four days until Finn’s uncle will be here. There’s no way in hell we’ll have a place by then, and be moved in. But I’m hoping we have a place before Z gets back from his father’s on August 7th. Two and a half weeks from now. I don’t want to have to subject my son to that man.

The man I spoke with today told me to let him know if we don’t find anything in a week or two. He said he’s got one place empty that needs work, and that there’s a woman that’s been hounding him about it. I hope he helps us. He’s known Finn’s family for years, and Finn’s younger brother thinks of him as a grandfather.

I texted my aunt to see if her landlord had anything available. I even messaged Scott for information. But I still feel like I didn’t do enough.

I feel like I accomplished a lot today, but still nothing at all. I guess the only thing I actually did accomplish is calling in to get my birth control refilled. Cause we don’t need a surprise popping up on us in the middle of all this.

Ugh…  is it 0200 yet, I need me some Finn cuddles.

I Wanna Cry. Can I Cry?

Yup. Finn’s grandmother FINALLY told us that his uncle is moving in next weekend. Yup, we only got one week’s notice. One motherfucking week.

She’s known about this for months, but just now told us.

Things are fucking tense as hell. I keep finding myself on the verge of tears. I feel powerless. Unless something drastic happens between now and Saturday, we’re essentially screwed…

Five people, two bedroom house. Two kids, three adults.

I just realized last night that Z will be with his father for two weeks, starting Saturday.

Fuuuck me.

Not only do I have to deal with the asshole, I have to deal with him alone. Depending on the day, Finn typically leaves for work between 1:45pm and 2:45pm, and doesn’t get home until between 1&3 am. Alone. At night. With a man that I don’t like, barely know, and don’t trust. And, honestly, I’m fucking terrified of that man.

He’s all three of my abusive exes rolled into one misogynistic asshole. He touches me or threatens me, I swear to fucking god, I’ll be tazing him while I’m calling 911.

Oh, just fucking kill me now.

Here’s the kicker – if Z’s father finds all this out, he’ll try to take him from me. And if the judge finds Uncle’s charges, there’s a good chance I’ll lose Z. I lose my kid, and there will be hell to pay.

Does anyone think about that? No.
Does anyone but me and Finn care? Fuck no.

I am strong, because weakness is NOT A an option. But my strength is diminishing.

But I’m tired. So tired of struggling to make it through the day. So tired of being told I’m not allowed to complain. So tired of being told not to worry. So tired of not being allowed to have my own opinion.

I’m so ready to just give up. No one cares. Why should I???

Eight Weekends in a Row…

Yup. You guessed it. Finn’s grandmother showed up again today. And brought Finn’s 9year old cousin.

Godmotherfuckingdamnit.

Kid free weekend. Ruined.

We’ve had ZERO time for ourselves in two months. Two fucking months.

We’re told she showed up to tell us that Finn’s uncle and his son are moving in with us. Things are fucking tense as hell in this house right now. Finn’s at work, and she doesn’t know we know what’s going on. (Finn’s mom told us what’s up, and she wasn’t supposed to).

If it weren’t for Z, I’d just say “Fuck it, let’s just go live in the truck until we find a place.”

Yes, I HATE Finn’s uncle that much. I hate the way he talks to me. I hate the way he talks in front of me. I hate knowing what he’s done, but not being able to say anything about it.

He was arrested for felony child abuse in August, 2014. But we’re supposed to ignore that, because it was a “false report”. Fuck.

There are other (even worse) accusations, that I’m not supposed to know about, so I can’t even post about it. Let’s just say it’s one word, starts with “R” and ends in “ape”.

Yeah… I’m’a be sleeping with a tazer under my pillow.

Ohhhh… even fucking better…

What I know of the plan is that they will be taking Z’s room, Z will be taking our room, and we get the living room. Seriously. The fucking living room. Zero privacy. Zero personal space. Zero downtime. We get the “common area” of the house. So our “bedroom” will constantly be invaded and taken over.

The ONLY bit of good news in this disaster is that Finn got a raise. And is working crazy overtime this week and next. We also got a lead on a possible place. Rent is only $100 more a month than we pay now, and the security deposit is only $200. Pretty sure we can swing that.

Ugh. I just want Finn home.

What the fuuuck am I supposed to do?!?

Seriously, I’m looking for suggestions.