Monthly Archives: August 2016

Busy, busy, busy…

Finn and I have been running around like chickens with our heads cut off every weekend since we’ve moved into the new place. We’ve had company every weekend. I’m ready for some down time.

… But, this past weekend was more than I could have ever expected. My dad had both boys, and when he came to drop Z off, we got to talking about drinking and getting drunk (sooo weird for me).

Anyway, he asks me to call my aunt. I do, and hand the phone to him. Next thing u know, he invites her over. No big deal. She gets here, and calls my other aunt to invite her over. Again, no big deal. Next thing I know, we’re having an unplanned cookout. Half of my mom’s side of the family is here.

I don’t have words to describe how much it meant to me. I’ve hung around with my aunts, and I’ve hung around with my dad,  but I haven’t been able to spend time with all of them since the day u married my ex back in 2011.

Yesterday…

…was unexpectedly very spiritual for me.

First, I found a red and gray cardinal down feather on my front porch that hadn’t been there five minutes before. Then, while at the fair, watching monster trucks, I had a cicada land in my hair.

Yes, in.my.hair.

If you remember from this post, cicadas mean a LOT to me.

Between the feather and the cicada, it seems like someone from the spiritual world was trying to contact me. The cardinal usually symbolizes a loved one, and, for me, the cicada has always represented my grandfather.

I’m wishing it was Scott, but I truly just don’t know yet.

Feelings…

When Scott ended things because of his cancer diagnosis, it broke me. It shattered me. He had his reasons, and I understood and respected them. But it wasn’t until I received the call that I fully grasped it.

As much as it hurt then… what would it have been like had he not ended it? I’d be broken beyond repair. I wouldn’t have Finn.

In meeting Finn, and starting the relationship with him,  I gave Scott exactly what he needed and wanted from me. The knowledge that I was happy, and was going to be OK.

He truly changed my life. I wouldn’t be where I am today had I never met him. I probably would have never met Finn, and would probably still be in the god-awful marriage to STBXH.  Scott rescued me, when I didn’t have the funds to save myself. He taught me I deserve respect. Something he said to me on our first “date” still sticks with me…  “You’re not broken, they didn’t deserve you.” One sentence, seven words, ten syllables, changed my entire life.

Scott,
I hope you see how much you meant to me. I still carry you in my heart. I’ll always love you. Now – can you do me a favor and give me some sort of sign that you’re OK, and are still gonna send your guidance from the afterlife? I’ve been waiting – not so patiently.

~Tam

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The Post I Never Wanted to Write…

Scott passed away this morning. I got the call around noon. He’d passed only an hour earlier.

I need to vent somewhere.

I want to scream, I want to yell, but mostly, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. He was an amazing friend to me, and I wouldn’t be where I am in life if I’d never met him.

Fuck cancer. Fuck August.

He’ll forever be in my heart. I’ll never not love him.

I’m still waiting for it to all sink in.

It’s Always August…

I fucking hate August!

This past weekend, a friend mine and Finn’s was killed when hit by a car in a hit and run. Witnesses say he flew 100+ feet. Yesterday, the suspect turned herself in. She’s claiming she thought she’d hit a deer. We’re hoping justice will be served to the fullest extent of the law.

On another note,  Scott is in Hospice inpatient care. The doctors aren’t giving a timeline, but are saying it’ll be soon.

Fuck August.

Tomorrow marks seven years since my mom passed away, and yesterday was seven years since the last time I’d seen her alive.

September needs to hurry the fuck up.

First Week…

Things have been amazing in the new place thus far.

Z came back from his dad’s on Sunday, and he likes the house, but loves the neighborhood. He says it’s the perfect middle ground between where we used to live and his father’s neighborhood.

Our old neighborhood had no kids around,  and his father’s neighborhood is too loud (apparently, I’ve never been there). He also discovered while walking around with neighborhood kids that a girl that went to his old school also moved into this neighborhood this summer. (Random as hell, but awesome nonetheless.)

Crazy Busy…

We brought four loads over to the new place Saturday,  and the last load on Sunday. So,  we’re officially all moved in. Now, the hard part is getting everything unpacked and organized. Fun!

Finn works Monday through Friday, so o it’s mostly me doing the unpacking and organizing.  It’s a lot of work for one person.

Other than the first load (sectional couch), it was just Finn and I moving everything.  My legs are bruised to hell from all of it.

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The hazards of moving...

We got out of that place at the perfect time. Finn’s uncle, who was perfectly cordial when Finn’s grandmother isn’t there,  flipped his shit on Finn Saturday night.  Got up in his face,  threatening him.

What got him started? I asked where my dried long stem roses were. Apparently, he either didn’t see the value in them (they were from the first bouquet Finn ever bought me), or knew and didn’t care. Either way,  he destroyed them. I managed to save one rosebud. I don’t think it was an accident,  like Finn’s grandmother was trying to claim.

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The damage was too perfect...

I honestly think he did it to spite me. He told Finn he can’t stand me, that I’m never welcome in that house again.

Let’s get this straight…

A.  It’s not his house,  it’s his mother’s
B.  I never did anything but stand my ground to that man.

Come to find out,  Finn’s grandmother is telling people I threw a temper tantrum about my roses. Asking where they were,  and being upset that they were destroyed is not a temper tantrum. When she told Finn’s mom about the altercation, she said nothing about Finn’s uncle getting in his face, or that he was accusing me of being a thief (seriously). Just about my roses.

I’m starting to see the truth about that woman.  She’s about as two faced as one can get. Thank goodness I’m away from all that bullshit.