Monthly Archives: October 2016

Hindsight

Holy shit, two posts in one day… 

The past few weeks, I’ve gone back through and read messages between STBXH and myself since the day I told him I was done. That’s almost two and a half years worth of messages to go through. 
Fortunately, I’ve never deleted a single one, so I have them all in my possession no matter what phone or phone number he was using. 



I spent the first few months after I left wondering if I was the problem. I caught hell from his friends, received nasty, vile text messages from his friends. He claimed to have been a victim of me.  Now, after rereading his texts, and speaking with friends that knew him, I’m most definitely assured that, no, I was his victim. 



Lies, deflection, gaslighting, deversion. His texts read like a fucking psychology book on narcissism. 


I have almost two and a half year’s worth of proof of narcissistic abuse piled up. And that’s only after I left. 


Of course before I left, it was the same shit. 


Find messages to other women? My fault, because “if I wasn’t looking, I wouldn’t have found it”. Someone sends me links to his dating site profiles?  Somehow my fault. 


My eyes are open now. He’s a liar, a cheater, and a narcissist. And I was his victim. 


Hindsight. 

Advertisements

Monday Bitchfest Halloween Edition

Finn and I deposited the check STBXH sent me Saturday. We were advised to wait until Friday to make sure it cleared, because despite STBXH’s assurance that it will, I’m still skeptical. I know he has a bad history with money.  It’s annoying as fuck that he expects me to just take him on his word, when I’ve caught him in so many lies. 


At this point, I’m over it. I told Finn the other day that I’ve reached the point of IDGAF. 



Random Thoughts Tuesday 10/25/16

My thoughts are currently here and there and everywhere else. 


Finn and I have been together for over a year and a half now, and we’re both ready to move onto the next step. There’s only one thing stopping us…


I’m still legally married to STBXH.  It’s driving me crazy. We’ve been separated for well over two years. My life has been on hold since the day I walked out. 


I’ll be 34 in a month and a half. I’m ready for my forever with Finn to officially begin. We’ve already accomplished so much together as a couple. We literally started at rock bottom, and now we’re buying a home together. 


I cannot wait for my divorce to be finalized, so Finn and I can begin our forever. 

Update to last week’s Monday Bitchfest


Since my last post, STBXH decided to send me a check for $100 to go towards the divorce. Because of time restraints, I haven’t been able to try to cash it just yet. 


I’m really hoping it’s a legit check, and that this truly is the beginning of the end of the divorce so Finn and I can continue with our plans. 

Monday Bitchfest 10/17/16

image

I’m beyond pissed at STBXH right now. I called the courthouse to find out why I haven’t been served yet (and to see if I could just pick it up myself), but they have NOTHING on file. Nothing! The only thing they have on file with my name as the respondent us from 2005.

STBXH fucking lied! He’s claimed to have filed not once, but twice! Why in the everloving fuck would he do that?!?!

He’s put my life on hold, Finn’s life on hold, and his own life on hold for some weird legal version of “if I can’t have you, no one else can.”

I’ve confided in a few friends, and they all find it beyond weird. We’ve been separated for over two years, he moved out of fucking state over two years ago. Why the fuck is he still holding on?

image

When he first claimed to have filed. In July.

image

Second time he claimed to have filed...

image

Calling him out on it

image

More lies...

I want my life back.

Full of Love

As I sit here in the glow from the TV, Z already on his way to school, and Finn asleep on the couch, I can’t help but think about how blessed I truly am.

No matter how crazy to things get, Finn is always on my side, no questions asked. He’s my rock. Unconditional love. I see it. I feel it.

I love being in his arms. I literally crave his touch. Every touch is like the first time. I melt into his arms. The night we met, we hugged, we danced, I melted into his arms and I smiled the first true smile I’d smiled in weeks.

He’s sleeping on the couch, just as cute as can be while my heart threatens to explode with all the love I carry for him.

Spiraling…

My anxiety has been going crazy lately, and I can feel it so do spiraling into depression.

I need a break from all the stress and drama. Just a non sick day at home with just me, Z, and Finn. No phone calls, no guilt trips, just us.

Thankfully, Finn is amazing and understanding about everything. I love having a such a transparent relationship. He’s so easy to talk to. Instead of telling me to “get over it,” he’s asking what he can do to help. Actually, he’s never told me to “get over it.” His standard answer has always been “well work on it.” A LOT more comforting.

A Wedding, and a Funeral

Back story (because I apparently forgot to make a post about this craziness):

I received a phone call from Finn’s mom last week, asking how much it costs to file for divorce ($170 to file, plus have them served).
Why did she want to know?
So she could pay for my divorce.
Great! Awesome!
Wait for it…
Finn’s brother is getting married later this month, and Finn’s mom is upset that we aren’t because we’ve “been together longer”.

Between that, and yesterday’s guilt trip, I’m not looking forward to the “family day” they have planned on the 22nd. I didn’t find out until after we’d agreed to that date that they’re also planning a reception for Finn’s brother and his wife after their courthouse wedding the day before.

I’m also kicking myself in the ass, because when we were given dates to choose from, it had completely slipped my mind that the 22nd is also the day of Scott’s celebration of life.

There’s no fucking way I’m missing it. Scott changed my life. He helped me break out of financially abusive marriage. He helped me break out of my shell. To take up for myself.

Finn’s mom was never supportive of Scott and I remaining friends. She told me things that were supposedly said by another of his exes (that he was lying about the cancer, that he never actually loved me, basically a bunch of bullshit).

I know she’s going to throw a fit when we have to duck out of the “reception” early to take the kidlets to my dad so we can go to the celebration of life (it’s at the bar Scott and I met at, the bar he used to bartend at).

Help?

Guilt Trips

I haven’t been posting on Facebook much anymore, but I did over the weekend, because H spent the weekend with us, and is really breaking out of his shell. He wanted to go to my brother’s house to meet his two younger cousins.

I posted this today

Had a busy but awesome weekend with family. Got to hang out with my boys, my brother and his two kidlets, hang out with my aunt and her hubby, and help my little cousin get ready for homecoming.

But, I guess that was a mistake, because Finn’s mom got offended and made this comment

Too bad u guys don’t want to spend time with with us

This really, really rubbed me the wrong way, because when we were renting Finn’s grandmother’s house, we saw them at least once or twice a month, but only saw my Aunt K once. In over a year.

Unofficially Official

As we were walking out the door to go to my Aunt K’s house Saturday afternoon, Finn called me his future wife (I can’t for the life of me remember the context).

Basically, we’re currently considering ourselves engaged, but not making it official until my divorce from STBXH goes through.