Monthly Archives: January 2017

Another Step Forward…

Recieved the letter for our final court hearing for the divorce to be finalized… 

On Thursday, February 23rd, it’ll be finalized, and I’ll have my life back. 

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Emotionally Exhausting Week

The past week has been a roller coaster ride of emotions; my head is still all over the place. 

Tuesday, January 17th 

   – filed for my divorce from STBXH

   – Z came home from school complaining of stomach pains


Wednesday, January 18th

   -kept Z home from school, he got progressively worse as the day went on

   – called 911 for an ambulance to take us to the hospital

   – diagnosis of appendicitis 


Thursday, January 19th

   – emergency appendectomy. No rupture, but a LOT of pus in his abdomen. 

   – due to said pus, there’s a risk of secondary infection. Extra time in the hospital. 

Friday,  January 20th

   – got a text from STBXH saying that he’d been served with the divorce papers. 


We were in the hospital until yesterday, and Z’s home til Wednesday. I’ve received a crap ton of phone calls and messages of support and concern. Including from Z’s teacher and a classmate’s mom. It’s been amazing. 

I spent the whole ambulance ride to the hospital second guessing myself, after the EMTs said it could be as simple as severe constipation. Clearly, my mother’s intuition was in full force Wednesday evening. I don’t want to think about what could have happened had I not gotten him to the hospital when I did. (Hint: it could have ended VERY badly.)

Finn was amazing during all of this. He left work early to be with us in the ER Wednesday, and sat with me while Z was in surgery. He only left the hospital to go to work, and came straight back as soon as he got off. Words cannot express how much that meant to Z and I. 


Why? Just… Why??? 

Last year, I got a friend request from a guy I went to school with. Even though he gave me creepy vibes back then, I accepted because, hey, people can change, right? 

Nope. Nope. Nope. 

For the past several months, he’s been messaging me biweekly. I only responded one night, to tell him I was busy hanging out with my boyfriend. That was in November. 

Since, he’s continued on his biweekly attempts to engage in conversation. I told Finn about it, and he figured dude was just trying to make conversation. 

Nope. Nope. Nope. 

He sent seven messages within ten minutes yesterday. All of which were begging me to answer (I did not). He went from asking what I was doing, to if I was there, to whether I was still married, and finally, if I was single. My profile very, very clearly says that I’m in a relationship with Finn. 

I’m going to have to shoot him down, and I’m dreading it. He’s mentally handicapped, and I’m going to come off as a bitch, but I can’t deal with this anymore. It’s gotten to the point that it feels like harassment. 


Fiancé

Ummm… 

Finn, Z, and I had to do a Lowes run the other night, and ran into one of his coworkers… 

“This is Tamma, my fiancé, girlfriend, something like that”

Well, OK then. 

When I brought it up to him later, he pretty much said that’s the way he feels, even without a proposal. 

So, yeah… As far as most anyone is concerned, we’re engaged, just waiting on my pesky divorce to be finalized. 

In a bad, bad place… 

(This is going to be a huge vent fest,  probably full of foul language. You have been warned) 

Fuck you, anxiety! Fuck you, depression! And fuck you PTSD! 

Yeah… I’m not handling the depression as well as I should be, or as well as I have in the past. My anxiety has me on fucking edge. At the worst possible fucking time. Between The Bitch due to show tomorrow, and having minimal time with Finn, due to necessary home repairs, I’m questioning everything. 

Every. Fucking. Thing.

Why’s he pulling away from me? 

Does he still love me? 

Did he ever love me? 

Is he breaking up with me? 

So yeah, it’s pretty fucking loud in my head right now. I’m an emotional fucking basketcase, struggling to make it through this depression. 

Even fucking worse? I have myself convinced that he doesn’t want to hear it, so I’m bottling A LOT of this up, only telling him bits and pieces. 

The logical part of me knows it’s the anxiety and depression talking, so there’s that. 

Here I am, sitting on the couch across from him, and he has no clue how bad things in my head really are right now. While I keep looking at him out of the corner of my eye, wondering why in the fuck I even deserve this amazing creature to love me enough to deal with my brand of crazy. 

God, I love that man but he deserves so much better than an emotionally damaged basket case. 


Well OK, then… 

Finn and I haven’t “officially” announced that we consider ourselves engaged to, well, anyone really. Not even Z or H. 

But today. Today… 

His mother introduced me as his fiancé. 

Yep. Not a single flinch. 

“This is his fiancé”

. . . 

I’ll take it.