Monthly Archives: August 2017

Hindsight is 20/20

Not always, but…

With as scattered as my thoughts have been since Finn and I started wedding planning, it hadn’t occurred to me just how much OS had been working my nerves. Most of it was on Snapchat, so I don’t have screen shots, but it was quite often. 

Looking back, it feels like she was trying to instigate a fight. Trying to argue with me and prove me wrong about nonsensical stuff, saying asking for no pictures to be posted on social media before we had the chance was rude, asking a multitude of questions when I’d given her the website where all the answers are literally at her fingertips, all while knowing I was swamped with wedding planning stuff. 

I don’t know if I feel more stupid for falling into a  possible trap, or more confused about whether or not it was truly her intention. 

I’m done. So fucking done. I’ve had suspicions of OS passing on information to PsychoSister for months. Ever since last Thanksgiving, and then when PsychoSister mysteriously acquired my father’s phone number. 

It’s disturbing to see that someone would intentionally give that information, knowing what the fallout would be. 

Now, I’m even more terrified that OS has already leaked the information about our wedding to PsychoSister, and that she’ll show up to ruin our day. 

Send help.

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Still Stressed ~ Working on It

Finn’s still asleep, and Z is in his room gaming, so I’m left alone with my thoughts. That’s not exactly a safe place for me to be. 

I’m still fucking hurt and stressed the fuck out after OS’s outburst Thursday. I honestly don’t doubt that PsychoSister planned it that way. She’s vindictive like that. 

“Oh, your life is going good? Let me see what I can do about that.”

She did this shit before my last wedding. Started a rumor in the family, and caused OS to stop talking to all of this. 

I’m done. So fucking done. I cannot live my life like that. I cannot be walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can’t do it anymore. I have to think about my own mental health. 

The best part of all of this mess is that my WHOLE family is supportive of me going no contact with both of my sisters. 

“If you have a problem with everyone in your life, perhaps the problem isn’t them… It’s you.”

More Family Dysfunction 

The sister I posted about here tried to add me on Snapchat yesterday, using my phone number. It states very clearly how people add you on that app. That’s one of the things I love about it. 

I sent a screen shot to my oldest sister (OS), and she tried to tell me that that didn’t mean PsychoSister has my phone number. Umm. Yes, yes it does. That’s exactly what it means. 

Now, it’s possible that PsychoSister has had my number for awhile, but I really, really doubt that. If she had, she’d have been harassing me all along. 

OS thought I was blaming her for giving out my phone number. I kept telling her I didn’t know, and didn’t have time to think about it. I was quite literally addressing and stuffing envelopes for wedding invitations. She ended up removing me from Snapchat, and her followers on Instagram. She never stopped following me, though. Curious. Guess who’s no longer invited to the wedding. 

OS then sent PsychoSister after me, and I ended up getting this text:

This text, and her trying to add me on Snapchat don’t add up… She wants to start shit, and I’m not having it anymore. 

I got a hold of my dad (we were on the phone for nearly an hour, and he made me feel a lot better about it. A talked to a cousin, she did the same. 

My aunt and uncle, though? When I told her that this whole mess makes me wonder if I’m the one with the problem. My uncle pipes up, and his answer was fucking epic:

Your sisters are both psycho its not you

THANK YOU UNCLE TRAVIS!!!

I hate it when people make me second guess myself. I hate it when people make me question my self worth. I hate it when people make me feel worthless. 

I can no longer allow people who do that in my life. I deserve better. 

Hypothetical Babies & Boundaries

(This post is full of labor and delivery TMI. I don’t go into in depth details, though. Read at your own risk.)

Sooo… I’ve been off birth control since May. I finished the cycle I was on when we got engaged, and that was it. I’ve been charting ever since. It was amazingly easy to slip right back into the old habit. 

My two previous births couldn’t be more different.

With my first, I went into labor naturally (on my due date!!!), progressed quickly (3cm to 9cm in less than two hours), doctor had to break my water, and baby was in my arms after 5 pushes. No epidural. I didn’t even have time to get the standard IV.

With my second, my water broke naturally, even though I hadn’t dilated at all. If you understand labor and cervix jargon, I was 0% effaced, 0 dilated, and at -2 station. To put it simply, my body was in no way ready for labor. Baby hadn’t even dropped. Dispite that, I had to be induced, since my water had already been broken. That’s when things went south. 

I started having contractions quickly. Nothing I couldn’t handle. Been there, done that. However, once I hit 6cm, all hell broke loose. My water fully broke, since it was only a leak before. Baby hadn’t dropped yet, so when my water broke, and my uterus shrank, due to losing so much fluid at once, his cord presented. 

A very serious compilation, that could lead to stillbirth.

I was prepped for surgery immediately. As they were wheeling me into the Operating Room, I told the anesthesiologist to just “knock me out,” since I knew it would be quicker than trying to place an epidural and wait for it to do it’s magic. 

Finn and I aren’t necessarily trying to conceive at this point, but we aren’t not trying, either. He knows my history with childbirth (even though he STILL can’t see my c-section scar without me pointing it out). We’re both hoping that when the time comes (god willing), I’ll be able to deliver naturally. However, I also understand that an epidural is a MUST, just in case compilations arise. 

This is where boundaries come in. 

I was only 23 when I had my c-section, and very, very passive. I had constant guests, and since my primary nurse has known me since I was a kid, she didn’t just bend the “no more than three visitors at a time” rule, she all-out broke it. At one point, I think I had about ten visitors in that room. I was still in my hospital gown, still had my morphine drip, and wasn’t allowed out of bed. Not even to go to the bathroom. 

So, I told Finn that **if** we ever have a baby, I didn’t want visitors until the catheter (TMI, sorry!) was removed. No visitors while I’m laboring, no one sitting in the waiting room, no visitors until we’ve had time to bond with baby. 

Cart before horse? Maybe. But I don’t want to spring it on him while we’re driving to the hospital. 


Eclipse Photo Dump

We don’t live in an area that had 100% totality yesterday, but our totality was in the top 20%, at 81.1%.

We were lucky in that during our totality, there was a thin cloud cover. Thick enough that we could safely look without the glasses, but thin enough we could see it. It was absolutely amazing. 

These next two are during our totality. 

I’m Getting Old…

Z started middle school today. All honors classes, except for English/Language Arts, in which he’s gifted. 

So, lots of changes this school year. Lots of changes in 2017 in general, though. 

Eight Years…

It’s 0504, and I’ve already been awake for nearly an hour. Today’s one of those days that I would have preferred to just sleep through. 

Today marks eight years since my momma’s passing. Almost exactly this time of morning August 20th, 2009 I got the call to gather the family. She’d denied her breathing treatment, and her heart stopped. They gave her a shot of adrenaline to her heart and did CPR, but it was too late. She was brain dead and only alive due to the machines. 

She was done fighting. I don’t blame her. But losing her left a hole in my heart that will never be filled. She was more than my mom. She was my best friend. 

Love and miss you forever, mom. 

11/09/50 – 08/20/09

A Letter to My Momma…

Mom, 

I’m getting married! We have 59 days left to go. It’s been so hard without you here to bounce ideas off of. You’re going to be represented in small, but obvious ways. My dress, OMG my dress. It’s amazing! It’s light and airy, and GREY. Grey, the color that represents lung disease awareness. I didn’t even realize it until my dress was in my arms. 

The flowers were another happy accident. Lilacs, roses, lilies, hydrangeas. All flowers I know you loved. It was almost like you’d been guiding my hand as I picked them out. I’m even using eucalyptus as filler, because the smell relaxes me because you always had a eucalyptus spray sitting on the fireplace when I was growing up. Small things my fiance’s family won’t think twice about, but our side will definitely see it. 

My necklace is doubled-stranded, with two open filigree lockets. One locket has your birthstone, the other has my fiance’s. I attached another locket to dad’s boutoneer with both of your birthstones inside. 

But mom, things are going sideways. My fiance’s family is driving me bat shit insane. His mom claims it’s our wedding, and tells us to do what we want, but then turns around and puts down all of our ideas. Sunday, she even questioned why I want to wear boots. Mom, the wedding is a rustic/country theme. of course I want to wear cowboy boots. It’s part of who I am. 

His brother’s wife is trying to pretend they’re part of the bridal party. She’s trying to have her and her husband match us. It’s annoying, but far from the end of the world. I’ll just make sure the photographer keeps them on the outside of group photos. His mom did, however, ask if I had a preference as to what color she wears. I told her anything but grey or pale pink, as that’s what my MOH and I are wearing. I’m hoping that gets spread through the family. I told my fiancé and added that I hope she realizes white is included in that. He said he hopes so, too. Even he knows you don’t wear white to someone else’s wedding. 

As our wedding day inches nearer, I’m missing you more and more. I’ve ugly cried more than once. You may not be there physically, but I’ll make damn sure you’ll be there spiritually. 


Friday Confessions 8/4/17

It’s been a long time since I’ve done a Friday Confessions post, and it’s very much overdue. 

I’m fucking terrified. 

The wedding nightmares have begun. They’re stupid little things, but enough to get under my skin…

  1. My Bat Shit Crazy sister showing up and ruining everything. 
  2. My Bat Shit Crazy sister showing up and convincing Finn to call it all off 
  3. Being left at the alter 
  4. Murphy’s Law (anything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong)
  5. Families not getting along 
  6. Uninvited guests 
  7. Kids being holy terrors, and the parents doing nothing about it

Sooo, yeah. Not only does wedding anxiety plague me during the day, it’s invading my dreams as well. 

My Give-A-Damn Snapped…

 Welp, I do believe I’ve hit my limit. No, nothing new has happened. I’m just over it all. 

I’m tired of worrying about what other people say or think. 

They can wear whatever the fuck they want, just don’t come crying to me when someone tells you how inappropriate it is. And trust me, at least one guest will say something to someone. 

Wedding etiquette isn’t that hard to figure out:

  1. Don’t wear white. Or anything that can be mistaken for white in pictures. 
  2. Don’t upstage the couple. 

Number 2 can be broken down into thousands of facets. 

  1. Don’t propose 
  2. Don’t announce a pregnancy 
  3. DON’T WEAR WHITE (or the color the bride is wearing, if you know)
  4. Don’t pretend it’s your wedding&reception that you never got to have 
  5. Don’t try to match the bridal party
  6. Don’t monopolize the couple 

Yeah, it’s not hard to figure out, and I’m done trying to hold anyone’s hand to prevent them from making a fool out of themselves. 

I’m done caring. It doesn’t reflect poorly on Finn or I. It reflects poorly on the guest. None of that little stuff matters. 

What matters is that I’ll be going to bed on our wedding night as Finn’s wife.