Monthly Archives: October 2017

Five A.M. Thoughts…

((Shower thoughts ahead))

Once again, I’m awake much earlier than I have to be. 

RBF  (Resting Bitch Face) was supposed to be a defense mechanism to make men leave women the fuck alone, but has since become an excuse to allow them to utter the most dreaded phrase imaginable:

You need to/should smile more. 

Fuck. That. Noise. 

Saturday, I posted a selfie on Facebook. I was feeling really good about myself. Had my contacts in, wearing makeup, I’d even put my hair up in a ballerina bun. That was, until the first comment…

It was, of course, someone telling me to smile. Deflated, and confidence gone in an instant. If we weren’t already out of the house, I would have changed out of the dress I was wearing. 

For reference, here’s the picture:

I don’t think I looked too bad. I usually try to make my eyes the focus of pictures of myself. To me, they’re my best feature. 

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Facebook Snoops…

Have you ever had people you have nothing in common with show up on your “People You May Know” list on Facebook? No mutual friends, not in any of the same groups. 

There have been two people showing up on this list for me repetitively for the past year or so. My ex husband’s mother and brother. I’ve never been friends with either profile. They’re both new. Created AFTER I left XH. Until they showed up under “People You May Know,” I had ZERO idea that either one of these profiles existed. The one from ExMIL was her fourth, that I’m aware of. She blocked me on her other three when I left XH. 

The first time it happened, I didn’t think anything of it. Facebook’s funny sometimes. 

But, then… they’d disappear for a few weeks, then randomly show up again. This has been ongoing for MONTHS. 

It got my attention, and had me curious as to why Facebook thought I may know these two people. I’d long since unfriended XH, and neither profile was connected to his in anyway before I unfriended him. 

Sooo… I posed the question to Google. Facebook won’t reveal their algorithms for this particular feature, but there were a LOT of posts on message boards on the topic. 

General consensus?

People who show up on your list of “People You May Know” are profiles that visit your page. 

Excuse me? What?

If this is true, my ex-husband’s mother and brother visit my profile on a regular basis. Enough that Facebook picks up on it. 

That is disturbing. 

What are they looking for? My privacy settings are as strict as Facebook will allow. 

I have three things visible to the public:

  1. My profile picture (Finn’s and my kiss during our wedding ceremony)
  2. My cover photo (our wedding party during the ceremony) 
  3. And my relationship status (married to Finn 

There’s nothing they can learn from my public profile. 

I’ve began to take screenshots every time they show up, so to have proof of this. 

But, for now, I’m keeping a watch out. 

But, seriously? Should I give them a show? The petty part of me really wants to. 

Upcoming Holidays…

Thanksgiving is coming up in a few weeks (25 days), and thus far we haven’t heard a peep from either side about dinner plans. I mentioned it to Finn the other day, and he brought up a good point: both of our families plan things last minute.

This pushes my anxiety into hyper-drive, because I am a planner. Hell, I already have my clothing choices picked out for both Thanksgiving AND Christmas, just in case. 

As of now, I’m going with the assumption that we’ll just be staying home for Thanksgiving, since we haven’t heard a peep. BIL2 and MIL have both had gastric bypass surgeries this year, and are unable to eat too much at a time right now. And my father informed me last month that his wife (my Evil Step-Mother, or ESM for short) will not be renewing her contract with the company she works for. Which effectively pushes my siblings and myself out of his life, once again. 

I’ll blissfully take sitting at home, rather than feeling unwanted at either my dad’s or my in-laws’ homes. 

So Not Ready…

Sooo…

Finn and I are Trying To Conceive (TTC). I’ve been off birth control since May. I’m on unmedicated cycle 6. No big deal, since we weren’t actively “trying” until my August cycle. So, we’re on cycle 3 of actively trying. 

I’m not holding out too much hope, however. Because we have a few things stacked against us…

My XH and I tried for over three years, and in that time, I had two very, very early miscarriages. Not sure if it was XH or me, but it’s on my mind. Finn had a bilateral hernia in his groin a few years before we met, and they used mesh to patch it. There’s a minute chance that can cause sterility in men. Also… My age. I turn 35 in 47 days. Advanced Maternal Age. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible for me to get pregnant, only harder. And if Finn does manage to knock me up, I’ll be considered high risk. 

Fun. 

I’m attempting (and struggling) to take it day-by-day, cycle-by-cycle, but it’s hard when Finn’s mother decided to make it a competition between us and BIL&SIL over who can get pregnant first. She actually said those words… “Now it’s a competition to see who gets pregnant first” right in front of SIL and me. 

This is my life now. MIL trying to turn everything into a competition between us and BIL&SIL. And I’m not having it. We don’t want to conceive a child because that’s what MIL wants. We want to conceive a child because that’s what WE want. 

While we ARE trying, we’re of the opinion of “If it happens, it happens” because we KNOW what’s stacked against us. 

Belated Blogaversity

Last week, this blog hit it’s third birthday. It’s been my outlet through the separation and divorce from XH, the relationship with Scott, his cancer diagnosis, the subsequent breakup, meeting Finn, and has chronicled our entire relationship, from the first meeting, to the engagement and wedding planning, and now our marriage. 

A lot can change in three years. 

When I first started this blog, it was meant to be an outlet for my thoughts throughout everything I was dealing with. Even if it was never publicly posted, it was still chronicled in private posts that were never meant to be seen by the public eye. I never expected to have one follower, let alone the 180+ I have. Small number, yes, however, none of my followers know me personally.

While friends and family are aware of this blog’s existence, I’ve never given them the web address. No one’s asked for it, as they know it’s my outlet, and respect my right for anonymity online. 

I will forever be grateful that this blog helped me rise from the ashes of my last marriage. 

Stepped on a Scale Yesterday…

I’m currently 111.5lbs, at the lower end of a healthy BMI for my height. So, I’m thin, but a healthy thin. My body doesn’t handle anything above 130lbs very well. The lower end of the 110-lb range it’s where I feel healthiest. 

Having an hourglass figure makes me appear even thinner.

The last time I stepped on a scale was back in February, and I was 127lbs. So, I’ve lost 16lbs in 7 months. Not a bad amount, but being “tall” (5’4.6, average height for a female) and thin, it’s noticeable. It’s all in my waist, however. My bust and hip measurements haven’t changed at all. Dropping soda, discontinuing birth control pills, and the massive amount of stress from wedding planning all had a hand in my weight loss. Plus, I’m just a small person in general. 

And people hate me for it…

I have gotten nasty looks and comments about my size. I’ve been accused of having an eating disorder, from anorexia to bulimia. Now, I will say when I’m stressed I have issues with food. Sometimes even just smelling certain foods (eggs, anyone?) is enough to make me retch. But I’m aware of that, so I make a conscious effort to eat things that are easy on my stomach, even if I have to force myself to. I also try to drink my calories, on the advice of my pharmacist. 

So, no, I’m not anorexic. It just appears that way to outsiders. 

It also doesn’t help that weight melts off with zero effort on my part if I don’t snack five times a day. 

Wedding Drama…

After the ceremony, we were all standing on the church’s porch. I was hoping to get a few pictures since Finn’s parents weren’t going to make it to the reception (his mom recently had abdominal surgery, and couldn’t handle the steps). After a few minutes, I’d walked back into the church to see where they were. As I was walking in the front door, his mom was walking out the side door. So, I went back outside and around the side of the church. By the time I’d gotten to their vehicle, she was already in the process of putting her seatbelt on. 


The drama didn’t appear until the day after. MIL is upset because no one got any pictures of her. By the time she’d questioned me about it, only two sets of pictures had been posted. One set was from my cousin, who was downstairs with me when MIL and FIL walked in. The other set had been sent to me by Finn’s sister, her daughter. 

There are no pictures of Finn’s parents from the wedding, and I don’t know what to do. On one hand, I’m feeling supremely guilty because of it, but on the other hand, I had zero control over it. No one had warned our friend who was taking pictures that they were starting, so the camera wasn’t booted up before they sat down. He didn’t even get a picture of Finn walking with the pastor. 

I refuse to take full blame for this. I was the bride, Finn was the groom, so we were otherwise busy at that point. I wasn’t even upstairs. 

As of now, it appears that MIL is protesting by not commenting/liking/reacting in ANY WAY to any of the posts or pictures posted on Facebook. Even before she noticed there hadn’t been any pictures of her posted. 

And, honestly, it makes me feel like absolute shit. She’s commenting/liking/reacting to pictures her other DIL has posted from the wedding (none of us, of course, just selfies of them).

So, now, our wedding day has this dark cloud over it, and after everything else she’s said and done, I feel like an unwanted addition to their family. And it breaks my heart. 

In addition to the picture fiasco, I was told that Finn’s grandmother commented on my recent weight loss. Now, it wasn’t a crash diet or anything like that. It wasn’t even intentional at all. I stopped drinking soda. I haven’t had more than a sip since April. Going from drinking 5-6 sodas a day to none, I dropped nearly 1,000 calories a day. It didn’t even occur to me that I should have compensated for the sudden drop. Whoops. However, the only place I lost weight was in my abdomin, so other than losing inches in my waist, my measurements are the same. My hourglass figure is back. 

When he told me what had been said, my heart dropped. I was finally, finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin again. He told her that I’d stopped drinking soda. It was also abundantly clear that it’s in my genes. She was surrounded by my family, and not one of us is “big.” We’re all thin. It’s in our blood. It pisses me off when bigger people think that everyone is supposed to be big. As if thinness is somehow an illness. I’m still well within a healthy BMI for my height, and that should be all that matters. My weight should be between me, my doctor, and my husband. 

I still can’t believe I was skinny shamed on my wedding day. 


Married ❤

 Finally getting around to posting this, since Finn goes back to work today. 

Saturday was an amazing, but crazy day. I woke up a little before 0400,and there was NO WAY I was getting back too sleep. I was too excited and nervous. So, I ended up making my Mom’s goulash recipe for the reception. 

There were a few hiccups along the way, but no one else saw or noticed. Finn and I had to backtrack because we forgot something at the house, my dad showed up two hours early while I was getting my hair done (which turned out better than I ever would have expected), and a few other very minor things that none of our guests noticed. 

In true Tamma fashion, I tripped over my dress as I was walking down the aisle. I joked at the reception that it wouldn’t really be our wedding if that hadn’t happened. I cried through my vows. In pictures, it looks like Finn was on the verge. 


Silence…

At least for now. 

No phone calls.

No texts. 

No Facebook messages. 

Finn’s brother and sister-in-law both either deleted or deactivated their Facebook profiles. 

But I’m not allowing myself to get comfortable. They tend to ambush me when I’m most vulnerable. They’ll probably attempt contact Friday, wanting details. If that’s the case, since Finn will be home, he’ll be wrangling them. 

Another possibility is that they decide to just show up at the park. No matter what happens, we’ll be prepared. 

Two more days. 

Game Plan & Finalizing Details

I talked to my dad yesterday, and knocked out the plan for Saturday. He’s going to meet us here at the house, and follow us to the park to help set up. He also broke the news that his wife may not make it to the wedding. Is it bad that I actually did a happy dance when he informed me?

Talking to my aunt and uncle, they’re going to meet up with us at the park, and follow us to the church, so my aunt can help me get ready. My cousin will also be there to help set up the pavilion. 

Including Z, there will be 9 people at the pavilion to help set up. I’m really, really hoping it doesn’t become a “to many chiefs, not enough indians” situation. 

Finn’s comment was: “You’re coordinating for the most part because I know you got a plan in your head.”

So, yeah. He firmly backs me on this. 

Meanwhile… meanwhile, his brother and sister-in-law still insist on “helping.” I don’t want or need their help. I want the reception set-up to be my family. I’ve told them their help isn’t necessary, but they refuse to take NO for an answer. 

Everyone I’ve spoken to thinks it’s weird. So, for now, Finn and I have agreed to use Bride Brain as as excuse to “forget” to give them information about the game plan. I don’t need more stress added to my shoulders on my wedding day. 

Andplusalso, future sister-in-law told me when they dropped by for an unexpected visit Sunday (that really pissed me the fuck off, I hate unannounced visitors), that she went out and bought boots. 

I’m a bad person, because I’m hoping another guest calls her on her shit. As I told Finn, she’s the one that’s going to look like a fool, because no one will believe the bride or bridesmaid copied off of a guest. 😂😂 

Oh, but wait… there’s more! (Non wedding related)

Apparently Finn’s brother tried to me in a post with a quilt he wants me to make him. 

Ummm… what?

Yes, I’m crafty. Yes, I’m good at what I do. 

I told him “I can’t sew, well, I can, but I don’t have a sewing machine.”

He then replies “Guess we need to buy you one, then.”

All. My. Fucking. Whats.

Yes, I LOVE my craft work, but I do it for me. If I want to give a gift, that’s one thing, but I DO NOT take demands. 

Fuck. That. Noise.