Author Archives: tamma254

Belated Blogaversity

Last week, this blog hit it’s third birthday. It’s been my outlet through the separation and divorce from XH, the relationship with Scott, his cancer diagnosis, the subsequent breakup, meeting Finn, and has chronicled our entire relationship, from the first meeting, to the engagement and wedding planning, and now our marriage. 

A lot can change in three years. 

When I first started this blog, it was meant to be an outlet for my thoughts throughout everything I was dealing with. Even if it was never publicly posted, it was still chronicled in private posts that were never meant to be seen by the public eye. I never expected to have one follower, let alone the 180+ I have. Small number, yes, however, none of my followers know me personally.

While friends and family are aware of this blog’s existence, I’ve never given them the web address. No one’s asked for it, as they know it’s my outlet, and respect my right for anonymity online. 

I will forever be grateful that this blog helped me rise from the ashes of my last marriage. 

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Stepped on a Scale Yesterday…

I’m currently 111.5lbs, at the lower end of a healthy BMI for my height. So, I’m thin, but a healthy thin. My body doesn’t handle anything above 130lbs very well. The lower end of the 110-lb range it’s where I feel healthiest. 

Having an hourglass figure makes me appear even thinner.

The last time I stepped on a scale was back in February, and I was 127lbs. So, I’ve lost 16lbs in 7 months. Not a bad amount, but being “tall” (5’4.6, average height for a female) and thin, it’s noticeable. It’s all in my waist, however. My bust and hip measurements haven’t changed at all. Dropping soda, discontinuing birth control pills, and the massive amount of stress from wedding planning all had a hand in my weight loss. Plus, I’m just a small person in general. 

And people hate me for it…

I have gotten nasty looks and comments about my size. I’ve been accused of having an eating disorder, from anorexia to bulimia. Now, I will say when I’m stressed I have issues with food. Sometimes even just smelling certain foods (eggs, anyone?) is enough to make me retch. But I’m aware of that, so I make a conscious effort to eat things that are easy on my stomach, even if I have to force myself to. I also try to drink my calories, on the advice of my pharmacist. 

So, no, I’m not anorexic. It just appears that way to outsiders. 

It also doesn’t help that weight melts off with zero effort on my part if I don’t snack five times a day. 

Wedding Drama…

After the ceremony, we were all standing on the church’s porch. I was hoping to get a few pictures since Finn’s parents weren’t going to make it to the reception (his mom recently had abdominal surgery, and couldn’t handle the steps). After a few minutes, I’d walked back into the church to see where they were. As I was walking in the front door, his mom was walking out the side door. So, I went back outside and around the side of the church. By the time I’d gotten to their vehicle, she was already in the process of putting her seatbelt on. 


The drama didn’t appear until the day after. MIL is upset because no one got any pictures of her. By the time she’d questioned me about it, only two sets of pictures had been posted. One set was from my cousin, who was downstairs with me when MIL and FIL walked in. The other set had been sent to me by Finn’s sister, her daughter. 

There are no pictures of Finn’s parents from the wedding, and I don’t know what to do. On one hand, I’m feeling supremely guilty because of it, but on the other hand, I had zero control over it. No one had warned our friend who was taking pictures that they were starting, so the camera wasn’t booted up before they sat down. He didn’t even get a picture of Finn walking with the pastor. 

I refuse to take full blame for this. I was the bride, Finn was the groom, so we were otherwise busy at that point. I wasn’t even upstairs. 

As of now, it appears that MIL is protesting by not commenting/liking/reacting in ANY WAY to any of the posts or pictures posted on Facebook. Even before she noticed there hadn’t been any pictures of her posted. 

And, honestly, it makes me feel like absolute shit. She’s commenting/liking/reacting to pictures her other DIL has posted from the wedding (none of us, of course, just selfies of them).

So, now, our wedding day has this dark cloud over it, and after everything else she’s said and done, I feel like an unwanted addition to their family. And it breaks my heart. 

In addition to the picture fiasco, I was told that Finn’s grandmother commented on my recent weight loss. Now, it wasn’t a crash diet or anything like that. It wasn’t even intentional at all. I stopped drinking soda. I haven’t had more than a sip since April. Going from drinking 5-6 sodas a day to none, I dropped nearly 1,000 calories a day. It didn’t even occur to me that I should have compensated for the sudden drop. Whoops. However, the only place I lost weight was in my abdomin, so other than losing inches in my waist, my measurements are the same. My hourglass figure is back. 

When he told me what had been said, my heart dropped. I was finally, finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin again. He told her that I’d stopped drinking soda. It was also abundantly clear that it’s in my genes. She was surrounded by my family, and not one of us is “big.” We’re all thin. It’s in our blood. It pisses me off when bigger people think that everyone is supposed to be big. As if thinness is somehow an illness. I’m still well within a healthy BMI for my height, and that should be all that matters. My weight should be between me, my doctor, and my husband. 

I still can’t believe I was skinny shamed on my wedding day. 


Married ❤

 Finally getting around to posting this, since Finn goes back to work today. 

Saturday was an amazing, but crazy day. I woke up a little before 0400,and there was NO WAY I was getting back too sleep. I was too excited and nervous. So, I ended up making my Mom’s goulash recipe for the reception. 

There were a few hiccups along the way, but no one else saw or noticed. Finn and I had to backtrack because we forgot something at the house, my dad showed up two hours early while I was getting my hair done (which turned out better than I ever would have expected), and a few other very minor things that none of our guests noticed. 

In true Tamma fashion, I tripped over my dress as I was walking down the aisle. I joked at the reception that it wouldn’t really be our wedding if that hadn’t happened. I cried through my vows. In pictures, it looks like Finn was on the verge. 


Silence…

At least for now. 

No phone calls.

No texts. 

No Facebook messages. 

Finn’s brother and sister-in-law both either deleted or deactivated their Facebook profiles. 

But I’m not allowing myself to get comfortable. They tend to ambush me when I’m most vulnerable. They’ll probably attempt contact Friday, wanting details. If that’s the case, since Finn will be home, he’ll be wrangling them. 

Another possibility is that they decide to just show up at the park. No matter what happens, we’ll be prepared. 

Two more days. 

Game Plan & Finalizing Details

I talked to my dad yesterday, and knocked out the plan for Saturday. He’s going to meet us here at the house, and follow us to the park to help set up. He also broke the news that his wife may not make it to the wedding. Is it bad that I actually did a happy dance when he informed me?

Talking to my aunt and uncle, they’re going to meet up with us at the park, and follow us to the church, so my aunt can help me get ready. My cousin will also be there to help set up the pavilion. 

Including Z, there will be 9 people at the pavilion to help set up. I’m really, really hoping it doesn’t become a “to many chiefs, not enough indians” situation. 

Finn’s comment was: “You’re coordinating for the most part because I know you got a plan in your head.”

So, yeah. He firmly backs me on this. 

Meanwhile… meanwhile, his brother and sister-in-law still insist on “helping.” I don’t want or need their help. I want the reception set-up to be my family. I’ve told them their help isn’t necessary, but they refuse to take NO for an answer. 

Everyone I’ve spoken to thinks it’s weird. So, for now, Finn and I have agreed to use Bride Brain as as excuse to “forget” to give them information about the game plan. I don’t need more stress added to my shoulders on my wedding day. 

Andplusalso, future sister-in-law told me when they dropped by for an unexpected visit Sunday (that really pissed me the fuck off, I hate unannounced visitors), that she went out and bought boots. 

I’m a bad person, because I’m hoping another guest calls her on her shit. As I told Finn, she’s the one that’s going to look like a fool, because no one will believe the bride or bridesmaid copied off of a guest. 😂😂 

Oh, but wait… there’s more! (Non wedding related)

Apparently Finn’s brother tried to me in a post with a quilt he wants me to make him. 

Ummm… what?

Yes, I’m crafty. Yes, I’m good at what I do. 

I told him “I can’t sew, well, I can, but I don’t have a sewing machine.”

He then replies “Guess we need to buy you one, then.”

All. My. Fucking. Whats.

Yes, I LOVE my craft work, but I do it for me. If I want to give a gift, that’s one thing, but I DO NOT take demands. 

Fuck. That. Noise. 

Six Days Out…

I asked my Aunt yesterday to help us set up the pavilion pre-ceremony, as well as to help me get ready at the church. It means A LOT to me, since she’s the closest, biologically, to my mother. If my Mom can’t be there to zip me into my dress, my Aunt is the next best. I know it meant a lot to her that I asked. 

I told Finn this, in front of his brother (the one who guilted him into naming him best man, but that’s a whole other can of WTF), who was there to pick him up for his bachelor party. After that conversation, the following happened. 

BM = brother/best man 

F = Finn 

M = Me

BM – I’m not going to be able to help set-up for the reception. I have to work the night before. 

M – That’s ok, my Aunt and Uncle said they’d help. 

BM – FBIL and FSIL (the ones I’ve posted about. Repetitively) are going to help decorate. 

M – No, that’s ok. Aunt and Uncle will be there. 

F – (says something I forget)

BM – FBIL and FSIL WILL help. 

… silence …

First of all, I FUCKING HATE to be told how things are going to happen. 

Second of all neither Finn nor I do well with demands, and that’s exactly what it felt like. 

Third of all, we haven’t asked them for their input on ANYTHING. Absolutely nothing at all. In fact, I’ve avoided giving FSIL any details. 

Fourth of all (seriously?), No. Just… No. His family have done all they can to take over the ceremony. The reception is MY baby. It’s my blood (no, literally, I cut myself a couple of times), sweat, and tears that went into planning out the decorations, and then making them WITH MY OWN TWO HANDS. I will most definitely lose my shit if someone ruins any of my hard work. 

So, yeah. I’m fucking irritated. They’ve done everything they can to take over this wedding, and I’m at my wits end with the whole lot of them. 

Finn’s not to happy with them at this point, either. BM said he was planning on leaving the reception after his speech, told us that their mom probably won’t come to the reception (that one I 100% understand, as she just had surgery), and that the rest of the family probably won’t, either. Finn said that if they don’t come, he won’t speak to any of them for a year. 

Six more days of this shit, and I’m done. 

Hair Frustrations…

I am definitely not a “girly girl”, the only two things I am in anyway vain about is my hair and nails. 

I don’t typically cut my nails. I let them grow and do their own thing, filing as needed. This has proven to be the best method for me. Doing it that way, I end up with inch long talons in a month or two. However, when I do happen to cut my nails (once or twice a year), it can take up to six months to repair the damage. They’ll constantly break and crack. I haven’t cut my nails since last winter, and I still can’t keep them from breaking…

My hair, on the other hand…

My hair grows fast. an inch or so a month. But it’s also super fine, and baby soft. Honestly? It feels like silk. Unfortunately, that makes it super hard to style, and actually keep styled. I was hoping for at least a half updo for the wedding, but that’s looking to be impossible. Everything I try falls flat within an hour. My other option is a full updo, which I haven’t actually tried yet. I’ve had my heart set on a half updo for months, but, like an idiot, I’ve been putting off practicing. I’m so irritated with myself over it. 

I’ve been attempting to get everything taken care of for Finn earlier in the day, so I have time to work on things before he wakes up around noon. Yeah… that hasn’t been working. I lose motivation as soon as I put his sandwich in the bag. 

I have seven days (!!!) to figure this out, or I’ll be winging it on our wedding day. I can totally see that happening, too. 😂😂

I’m off to try again… wish me luck. 

Ten Days…

Holy freaking crap! Ten days to go, and I’m 99.99% sure I’ve got everything done. 

  1. Fifty favor boxes assembled, stuffed, stamped,  and sealed. 
  2. Hair cut and dyed. 
  3. All floral completed. 
  4. Centerpiece elements complete, to be finished during setup. 

I know there’s more I’ve done, but I’m currently drawing a blank. 

The wedding is now close enough to show up on The Weather Channel app extended forecast, and if it stays the way it currently is, I’ll be a happy bride. 

I know weather can’t be accurately predicted ten days in advance, but I’m trying to be optimistic. 

Emotions…

We’re fourteen days out from the wedding, and I’m am emotional basket case. FMIL still doesn’t have a dress, which means Finn’s niece probably doesn’t either. My hair stylist has a pinched nerve in her neck. As far as I’m aware, Finn’s brother still doesn’t have his clothes. I think me, Finn, and Z are actually the only ones truly ready for this wedding. 

I’ve got a few little crafty odds and ends to finish up, Easier said than done, when everyone is contacting me, asking asinine questions…

Are you nervous?,” nope
Is this person invited?” Nope, never met them, no desire to at all, let alone on my wedding day. 

Is such and such a good dish to bring?” I don’t care, bring something you like. 

Can I bring the love of my life, who I just met last week?” Uhhh, no? Jon and I don’t want to look into the crowd and see a face we’ve never seen before.

Again, we’re fourteen days away from the wedding, I have more pressing concerns than you broke your coffee cup (this is seriously a complaint I heard from a relative for three days straight). Finalizing hair and makeup, getting my manicure, getting my hair dyed (serious fade out going on right now).