Category Archives: babies
I forgot how emotional pregnancy makes me. It feels like my brain is going a million miles an hour. Finn and I are overjoyed, as are our families.
I just dread making it publicly known. I know Z’s father is going to flip his lid. There’s no way I’m going to be able to hide it for long. I’m currently 5w4d and already showing a bit of a bump. It’s ridiculous. I’m going to be as big as a house come September.
I have to plan our public announcement carefully, down to the minute. Because I know as soon as H’s aunt on his father’s side finds out, she’ll be on the phone with him to tell him immediately. She did the same thing with our engagement. I didn’t have the chance to tell my son I was engaged before she ran off at the mouth. I currently have her, plus all of our mutual friends on my Facebook acquaintance list, and nothing I post is visible to any of them. I regularly double- and triple-check my privacy settings. At least once a week. And every time I make a post, I make sure it’s not visible to my acquaintance list.
I seriously just double-checked my recent posts. Pregnancy brain’s got me good.
On the other side of things, apparently Finn’s brother and SIL have been TTC as well, with no success. After SIL’s reactions during our engagement, I dread being in her presence with a baby bump. I’m not sure how long they’ve been trying, because that’s honestly not my business. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t start trying until after they found out we were.
I called my doctor’s office to schedule my first prenatal appointment Wednesday, and they called back yesterday. They scheduled my first three appointments. February 7th is my dating ultrasound (we’ll get to see the heartbeat!!💓💓), February 13th is my midwife appointment, and March 7th is my OB appointment.
When I bought the pregnancy test (to be honest, I only wanted to take a test to prove to myself that I’m NOT pregnant. I seriously thought I was infertile. Guess it was XH. Whoops.), I bought the “Test and confirm, and confirm, and confirm” by First Response. It was (obviously) a three pack. An early result test, a digital test, and a rapid result test, each less sensitive than the last.
Well, with such a dark line on the early result test, I didn’t feel the need to use the others right away. I staggered them every other day. The digital and the rapid response were both positive (obviously). I laughed my ass off with the rapid result test. It was such a strong positive that the test line pulled the dye from the control line:
^^The strongest positive I’ve ever received on a home pregnancy test.
I’m so freaking happy right now. Finn and I are struggling to keep it quiet. I’m hoping to wait until I hit the second trimester in March, but it’ll be a miracle if we make it that long. We’ve already told our parents, and a few close friends. I’m sure the word will slowly trickle out.
BECAUSE I’M PREGNANT!!!
I waited all day yesterday to be able to get to the store, but finally made it around 1030 last night. I couldn’t wait to take the test this morning, so I took it as soon as we got home.
Almost immediately, two beautiful, pink lines appeared (the test line is actually darker than the control!). In my shock, I grabbed the test, ran outside (shaking), looked at Finn while he was loading the truck to take our old couch to the dump, looked at him and said “It’s positive.”
Not exciting, not dramatic. I was just in too much shock for a big production.
As of today, I’m 4w2d (4 weeks, 2 days).
I’m late. Not by much, but still, I’m late. I’m confused as fuck. And it’s too damn cold outside to go out to the store. Zero symptoms either way.
So, yeah, I’m at a loss until either The Bitch shows up, or until I thaw enough to run to the store.
Ugh. I popped the egg 10 days ago (translation: I’m 10 Days Post Ovulation, or 10DPO), and I’m symptom spotting. Every little thing, I’m thinking “omg, I’m ___ that’s a symptom of pregnancy,” then my rational brain takes over and says “yeah, but it’s also a PMS symptom, quit freaking out, you’re not pregnant.” 😂😂😂
TTC is one helluva mind fuck. I know getting pregnant at my age, and with my history, is a long shot. It’s gonna be one helluva ride. Thank goodness Finn is so amazing about it all. I told him from day one, there’s a minimal chance I’d ever be able to make him a father. It is what it is.
Even if I’m not 100% sure if it was me or XH, the inability to get pregnant with XH is still a part of my medical history. Only time will tell at this point.
Finn and I are on cycle #4 of TTC (trying to conceive). I’ve been charting since I went off BCPs in May. But seriously half-assing it. This cycle, I’ve been on the ball. Temping, using ovulation tests, the whole 9.
When I input my temp this morning, I got my crosshairs. I popped the egg lb Thanksgiving.
We hit 3 out of 4 fertile days this cycle, so I’m really optimistic.
Fingers crossed that this is our cycle.
The past few weeks, my mind’s been going non-stop. I rarely get a break from it all. Sleep is a blissful respite from it all. That is, when sleep finds me.
Holidays are hard for me. Have been since my mom passed away. This year’s holiday season is already hard on me. My 35th birthday, the one I’ve been dreading for years, is about to hit me in the face. Advanced Maternal Age. Middle Age. I’m getting old.
Then, there’s TTC. I know, I know. We haven’t been trying that long, but I’m already over it. After trying over two years with my XH and no success, the experience left me feeling defeated. And now, each month having The Bitch show up rather than a positive pregnancy test is harder than I thought it would be.
Finn’s been amazing with it. He’s in the camp of “if it happens, it happens”, but it’s not a deal breaker if it doesn’t. I just hope he’ll back me if I want to pull the plug for a month or two.
I went out and bought some ovulation tests today, and I’m regretting sending spending that money already. But I also know they’ll help me keep at least part of my sanity, since I’ve been half-assing my charting the past few cycles.
No more unnecessary purchases, Tamma. Get with the program. Phone, tobacco, that’s it.
On another note, Finn’s mom has called/texted both of us, but has yet to mention anything about Thanksgiving. Finn and I have agreed to plan on having our own dinner here: chicken, mashed potatoes, stuffing, etc… We agreed that if they asked about it, we’d consider it. However, if they call day of, it’ll be “too little, too late.” Especially after we were told to call first the last time we’d popped in.
Finn and I are Trying To Conceive (TTC). I’ve been off birth control since May. I’m on unmedicated cycle 6. No big deal, since we weren’t actively “trying” until my August cycle. So, we’re on cycle 3 of actively trying.
I’m not holding out too much hope, however. Because we have a few things stacked against us…
My XH and I tried for over three years, and in that time, I had two very, very early miscarriages. Not sure if it was XH or me, but it’s on my mind. Finn had a bilateral hernia in his groin a few years before we met, and they used mesh to patch it. There’s a minute chance that can cause sterility in men. Also… My age. I turn 35 in 47 days. Advanced Maternal Age. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible for me to get pregnant, only harder. And if Finn does manage to knock me up, I’ll be considered high risk.
I’m attempting (and struggling) to take it day-by-day, cycle-by-cycle, but it’s hard when Finn’s mother decided to make it a competition between us and BIL&SIL over who can get pregnant first. She actually said those words… “Now it’s a competition to see who gets pregnant first” right in front of SIL and me.
This is my life now. MIL trying to turn everything into a competition between us and BIL&SIL. And I’m not having it. We don’t want to conceive a child because that’s what MIL wants. We want to conceive a child because that’s what WE want.
While we ARE trying, we’re of the opinion of “If it happens, it happens” because we KNOW what’s stacked against us.
(This post is full of labor and delivery TMI. I don’t go into in depth details, though. Read at your own risk.)
Sooo… I’ve been off birth control since May. I finished the cycle I was on when we got engaged, and that was it. I’ve been charting ever since. It was amazingly easy to slip right back into the old habit.
My two previous births couldn’t be more different.
With my first, I went into labor naturally (on my due date!!!), progressed quickly (3cm to 9cm in less than two hours), doctor had to break my water, and baby was in my arms after 5 pushes. No epidural. I didn’t even have time to get the standard IV.
With my second, my water broke naturally, even though I hadn’t dilated at all. If you understand labor and cervix jargon, I was 0% effaced, 0 dilated, and at -2 station. To put it simply, my body was in no way ready for labor. Baby hadn’t even dropped. Dispite that, I had to be induced, since my water had already been broken. That’s when things went south.
I started having contractions quickly. Nothing I couldn’t handle. Been there, done that. However, once I hit 6cm, all hell broke loose. My water fully broke, since it was only a leak before. Baby hadn’t dropped yet, so when my water broke, and my uterus shrank, due to losing so much fluid at once, his cord presented.
A very serious compilation, that could lead to stillbirth.
I was prepped for surgery immediately. As they were wheeling me into the Operating Room, I told the anesthesiologist to just “knock me out,” since I knew it would be quicker than trying to place an epidural and wait for it to do it’s magic.
Finn and I aren’t necessarily trying to conceive at this point, but we aren’t not trying, either. He knows my history with childbirth (even though he STILL can’t see my c-section scar without me pointing it out). We’re both hoping that when the time comes (god willing), I’ll be able to deliver naturally. However, I also understand that an epidural is a MUST, just in case compilations arise.
This is where boundaries come in.
I was only 23 when I had my c-section, and very, very passive. I had constant guests, and since my primary nurse has known me since I was a kid, she didn’t just bend the “no more than three visitors at a time” rule, she all-out broke it. At one point, I think I had about ten visitors in that room. I was still in my hospital gown, still had my morphine drip, and wasn’t allowed out of bed. Not even to go to the bathroom.
So, I told Finn that **if** we ever have a baby, I didn’t want visitors until the catheter (TMI, sorry!) was removed. No visitors while I’m laboring, no one sitting in the waiting room, no visitors until we’ve had time to bond with baby.
Cart before horse? Maybe. But I don’t want to spring it on him while we’re driving to the hospital.
We’re still trying to organize everything at the new place. It’s been sort of a rough go of things, since we’re combining his and hers (he still had stuff at his parent’s place, and I still had stuff in storage), not to mention all of the housewarming gifts.
Sooo, anyway… We’re in our bedroom working out measurements for how to arrange furniture. Next thing I know, he’s measuring the little alcove we have in the corner of the room. He asks:
F – “Hey, what are the measurements of a crib?”
M – “Hell if I know. Why?”
Then it dawned on me… He’s planning ahead. I’m thinking our recent pregnancy “scare” (his parents have no idea) has kinda opened his eyes. He’s ready. I’ve been ready. We’ve just gotta get our ducks in a row. But one of them fuckers keeps running away (in the form of a divorce).
No babies till my divorce is final.
For Finn’s dad:
No babies till we’re married.
For Finn’s mom:
Just give me the babies.
I ain’t getting any younger.
Sooo… yeah. We’re ALL wanting this divorce to be finalized ASAP. But… Shit happens. First STBXH refused to give me his address, then the courthouse needed more information from me (Finn’s car blew up and I had no transportation to the courthouse), then we were having money issues (dropped our entire savings on the down payment for the truck). Now we’re just waiting on STBXH to file, cause I’m tired of the bullshit about him not wanting to give me his address. Fuck that noise.
So… STBXH, if you’re reading this, can you PLEASE hurry it up? I’ve got things to do.