Category Archives: Depression

Motivation: Gone

After yesterday’s fiasco, I’ve lost all motivation I still had for any and all wedding craftiness. Which puts me in a bad spot, since I currently DO NOT HAVE A BOUQUET. I dismantled it last night. 

We went out to the store last night, and surprise! they aren’t carrying any of the flowers I had originally purchased for the bouquets anymore. They were seasonal. Fuck me. 

So, we run to another store to see if they have any. They do, but… It’s the same price I originally paid for a bush of 6 flowers for a SINGLE STEM. I ain’t even gonna lie, I broke down and cried, right there in the silk flowers department. I was devastated. I ended up getting a a bush of pink roses, a bush of white roses, a single tiger lily, and two white dahlias. It’s not the same, but it could be a whole lot worse. 

Why did I have to dismantle my original bouquet?

Well… that answer is twofold:

  1. The store last night didn’t have blue hydrangeas, and I had a few extras at home. 
  2. The flowers we purchased last night are a MUCH better quality. My MOH, Finn, and myself are all in a agreement that I, as the bride, deserve the higher quality flowers.

I got fussed at by both of them for calling myself a bridezilla for saying that. That did make me feel a bit better. 

So, now I sit here, with no bouquet, and no motivation to redo it…

Advertisements

Still Stressed ~ Working on It

Finn’s still asleep, and Z is in his room gaming, so I’m left alone with my thoughts. That’s not exactly a safe place for me to be. 

I’m still fucking hurt and stressed the fuck out after OS’s outburst Thursday. I honestly don’t doubt that PsychoSister planned it that way. She’s vindictive like that. 

“Oh, your life is going good? Let me see what I can do about that.”

She did this shit before my last wedding. Started a rumor in the family, and caused OS to stop talking to all of this. 

I’m done. So fucking done. I cannot live my life like that. I cannot be walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can’t do it anymore. I have to think about my own mental health. 

The best part of all of this mess is that my WHOLE family is supportive of me going no contact with both of my sisters. 

“If you have a problem with everyone in your life, perhaps the problem isn’t them… It’s you.”

More Family Dysfunction 

The sister I posted about here tried to add me on Snapchat yesterday, using my phone number. It states very clearly how people add you on that app. That’s one of the things I love about it. 

I sent a screen shot to my oldest sister (OS), and she tried to tell me that that didn’t mean PsychoSister has my phone number. Umm. Yes, yes it does. That’s exactly what it means. 

Now, it’s possible that PsychoSister has had my number for awhile, but I really, really doubt that. If she had, she’d have been harassing me all along. 

OS thought I was blaming her for giving out my phone number. I kept telling her I didn’t know, and didn’t have time to think about it. I was quite literally addressing and stuffing envelopes for wedding invitations. She ended up removing me from Snapchat, and her followers on Instagram. She never stopped following me, though. Curious. Guess who’s no longer invited to the wedding. 

OS then sent PsychoSister after me, and I ended up getting this text:

This text, and her trying to add me on Snapchat don’t add up… She wants to start shit, and I’m not having it anymore. 

I got a hold of my dad (we were on the phone for nearly an hour, and he made me feel a lot better about it. A talked to a cousin, she did the same. 

My aunt and uncle, though? When I told her that this whole mess makes me wonder if I’m the one with the problem. My uncle pipes up, and his answer was fucking epic:

Your sisters are both psycho its not you

THANK YOU UNCLE TRAVIS!!!

I hate it when people make me second guess myself. I hate it when people make me question my self worth. I hate it when people make me feel worthless. 

I can no longer allow people who do that in my life. I deserve better. 

Monday Bitchfest 7/24


Well… I woke up in a good mood this morning, but that quickly went to absolute shit. 
First, I get guilt trips for visiting my aunt that I haven’t seen in three years, because I didn’t let anyone know I would be there.  I didn’t even know I was going to be there until five minutes before my dad pulled into her driveway. 

Second, I started a private group on Facebook so MOH and I could organise my bachelorette spa day. I posted yesterday asking when would be a good day for everyone. Not one single person had replied. It had been seen by both Finn’s mom and SIL, but neither replied.

I thought they wanted to be involved?
Oh wait, that’s right, they only want to be involved when my family isn’t. 

I’m done. So. Fucking. Done. 

The only thing I can remotely come up with is that it’s a jealousy thing.I told her when we first got engaged that I wanted a girl’s day with her and Finn’s sister. I guess she’s upset I’m trying to include both sides. It’s all well and good when it’s just her family, but she doesn’t want to be involved when my family is included.
I’ll give it a couple weeks, and if no one responds, cancel it due to “lack of interest”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find a rock to curl up under so I can cry my eyes out in peace. 

Been Feeling Emotional… 

Sooo… Finn got a phone call from his mom yesterday, and I’m about thisclose to just giving up. 

  • Guilt trips for visiting my father more than them. 
  • “Why aren’t y’all married yet?”
  • “Don’t get married unless you’re sure.”
  • “She’s been divorced. Twice.”
  • “Our family doesn’t believe in divorce.”

Phone calls with her never fail to send me on an emotional roller coaster. 

My self esteem and self worth have tanked in recent months, and Finn’s reasons for us not being married/officially engaged yet feel more like excuses than genuine concerns. I’m questioning things. Not whether or not he loves me, that much is evident in his words and actions, but whether or not I’m worth it in his eyes. 

I have two divorces under my belt. With both, I was the instigator. I don’t give up easily. It takes a lot to get me to the point that I’m just done. I tried to make both marriages work. I tried so hard. But when you’re being lied to, stolen from, cheated on, and mentally abused, it takes it’s toll on you. 

And to make matters even worse on myself, I can’t stop myself from putting my foot in my mouth, picking on Finn about getting married. It just flies out. I’m trying not to do it. I just keep telling myself it’s never going to happen. Cause, honestly, at this point I just don’t see it. 

I.just.don’t.see.it. 

That’s not going to stop be from being the best girlfriend I can be for him, but marriage? I just don’t see it in the cards for us. And that’s depressing. 

In a bad, bad place… 

(This is going to be a huge vent fest,  probably full of foul language. You have been warned) 

Fuck you, anxiety! Fuck you, depression! And fuck you PTSD! 

Yeah… I’m not handling the depression as well as I should be, or as well as I have in the past. My anxiety has me on fucking edge. At the worst possible fucking time. Between The Bitch due to show tomorrow, and having minimal time with Finn, due to necessary home repairs, I’m questioning everything. 

Every. Fucking. Thing.

Why’s he pulling away from me? 

Does he still love me? 

Did he ever love me? 

Is he breaking up with me? 

So yeah, it’s pretty fucking loud in my head right now. I’m an emotional fucking basketcase, struggling to make it through this depression. 

Even fucking worse? I have myself convinced that he doesn’t want to hear it, so I’m bottling A LOT of this up, only telling him bits and pieces. 

The logical part of me knows it’s the anxiety and depression talking, so there’s that. 

Here I am, sitting on the couch across from him, and he has no clue how bad things in my head really are right now. While I keep looking at him out of the corner of my eye, wondering why in the fuck I even deserve this amazing creature to love me enough to deal with my brand of crazy. 

God, I love that man but he deserves so much better than an emotionally damaged basket case. 


Ending 2016

I’m sooo fucking happy there’s less than 12 hours left of this year. 

It’s been one struggle after another, after another. 

My anxiety/depression has been horrible the past few weeks. When I was dealing with an ear infection (that the doctor described as severe), that I was to hardheaded to see a doctor about for two weeks, I was pretty much nonfunctional. I had to force myself to do anything but hug a mug of hot tea and the heater. I got really behind on housework, and I’m still in catch up mode. The mess effects my anxiety/depression which in turn makes me not want to deal with it. At all. 

I need to pull my head outta my ass (my father’s phrasing), and get on it. But I need help. The last time I went into a cleaning spree, I had the living room done. And two days later, Finn had his force  field back up. Yeah… It’s frustrating. 

Today… Today, I’m an emotional basket case, and I just wanna talk to Finn about it, but currently can’t, because he and his father are working on some home improvement stuff that’s been planned for a week. There’s nothing I can really do to help them, other than to stay out of their way, which leaves me feeling pretty damn worthless/useless. I wanna go curl up in a ball, but again that’ll just make me feel worse. 

Rock/hard place. 

December has been Murphy’s Law around this place. All sorts of plumbing problems. From backups, to frozen pipes that burst. It’s been a rough month, to end a rough year. 

Depression 

I rarely talk about emotions and feelings to anyone but Finn. I gave that up a long time ago. They either use it against you, or tell you to get over it. 


Honestly, I just can’t fucking deal with it anymore. I’m fucking tired of dealing with guilt trips for wanting to have my father in my life. 


My oldest sister is guilting me because no one wants my youngest sister at Thanksgiving dinner. She’s verbally jealous, verbally abusive, and was physically abusive towards me during my adolescence. She threatened to kill me when I was a kid. Of course, I don’t want to be around her. 


On top of that, Finn’s mom is guilting both of us for helping my father hang tiles on a vaulted ceiling. My father is 61 years old, with bad knees and bad joints in general. There have been days that he hasn’t been able to get out of bed, not because of pain, but because his joints refused to work. I don’t like the idea of him being on a ladder with no one else there. 


It feels like we just can’t win. I’m at a loss. It’s at the point that I just want to lock myself in the house and just stop talking to everyone. 

I Wanna Cry. Can I Cry?

Yup. Finn’s grandmother FINALLY told us that his uncle is moving in next weekend. Yup, we only got one week’s notice. One motherfucking week.

She’s known about this for months, but just now told us.

Things are fucking tense as hell. I keep finding myself on the verge of tears. I feel powerless. Unless something drastic happens between now and Saturday, we’re essentially screwed…

Five people, two bedroom house. Two kids, three adults.

I just realized last night that Z will be with his father for two weeks, starting Saturday.

Fuuuck me.

Not only do I have to deal with the asshole, I have to deal with him alone. Depending on the day, Finn typically leaves for work between 1:45pm and 2:45pm, and doesn’t get home until between 1&3 am. Alone. At night. With a man that I don’t like, barely know, and don’t trust. And, honestly, I’m fucking terrified of that man.

He’s all three of my abusive exes rolled into one misogynistic asshole. He touches me or threatens me, I swear to fucking god, I’ll be tazing him while I’m calling 911.

Oh, just fucking kill me now.

Here’s the kicker – if Z’s father finds all this out, he’ll try to take him from me. And if the judge finds Uncle’s charges, there’s a good chance I’ll lose Z. I lose my kid, and there will be hell to pay.

Does anyone think about that? No.
Does anyone but me and Finn care? Fuck no.

I am strong, because weakness is NOT A an option. But my strength is diminishing.

But I’m tired. So tired of struggling to make it through the day. So tired of being told I’m not allowed to complain. So tired of being told not to worry. So tired of not being allowed to have my own opinion.

I’m so ready to just give up. No one cares. Why should I???

Freaking Seriously?

So… Finn’s mom just called, and apparently his uncle’s house is being foreclosed on. He has until the 25th to find another place to go. So far, he hasn’t. And Finn’s mom thinks that his grandmother is going to let him and his son move in here. Without any warning to us.

Have I mentioned I can’t stand Finn’s uncle? Or his son, who has ZERO discipline, and beyond destroying every blind in the house, writing on walls, fucking peed on both the couch and love seat (which we just replaced last weekend) while they lived here before.

On top of all that, there’s NO room to add two more people. This house is two bedroom. One for Finn and I, and one for Z. Where exactly are we going to put two more people?

I can only imagine what’s going through Finn’s grandmother’s mind. Z and Finn’s cousin sharing a room?  Definitely not fair to Z. And where would that put his uncle?  Putting Finn’s uncle and cousin in our (already stuffed) room, and put us in the living room? What about our clothes and stuff that we (obviously) store in the bedroom? Zero privacy. No doors lock. NONE. Not even the bathroom door.

Even better? Finn’s uncle has a bad history. He did some fucked up shit to a (female) member of the family. He was never charged (she came forward too late), so instead of being locked up for 15-20 years, I have to deal with the possibility of living in the same house with him. Guess I’ll be sleeping with my tazer under my pillow, and a can of pepper spray.

Finn’s mom said we should ask the owner of the store down the street if she has anything available to rent. Even if she does, it doesn’t exactly help us, as we have zero money for a deposit. And we only have 12 days.

No fucking wonder I’m stressed the fuuuck out, and spiraling into depression.