Category Archives: Depression

Monday Bitchfest 7/24


Well… I woke up in a good mood this morning, but that quickly went to absolute shit. 
First, I get guilt trips for visiting my aunt that I haven’t seen in three years, because I didn’t let anyone know I would be there.  I didn’t even know I was going to be there until five minutes before my dad pulled into her driveway. 

Second, I started a private group on Facebook so MOH and I could organise my bachelorette spa day. I posted yesterday asking when would be a good day for everyone. Not one single person had replied. It had been seen by both Finn’s mom and SIL, but neither replied.

I thought they wanted to be involved?
Oh wait, that’s right, they only want to be involved when my family isn’t. 

I’m done. So. Fucking. Done. 

The only thing I can remotely come up with is that it’s a jealousy thing.I told her when we first got engaged that I wanted a girl’s day with her and Finn’s sister. I guess she’s upset I’m trying to include both sides. It’s all well and good when it’s just her family, but she doesn’t want to be involved when my family is included.
I’ll give it a couple weeks, and if no one responds, cancel it due to “lack of interest”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find a rock to curl up under so I can cry my eyes out in peace. 

Been Feeling Emotional… 

Sooo… Finn got a phone call from his mom yesterday, and I’m about thisclose to just giving up. 

  • Guilt trips for visiting my father more than them. 
  • “Why aren’t y’all married yet?”
  • “Don’t get married unless you’re sure.”
  • “She’s been divorced. Twice.”
  • “Our family doesn’t believe in divorce.”

Phone calls with her never fail to send me on an emotional roller coaster. 

My self esteem and self worth have tanked in recent months, and Finn’s reasons for us not being married/officially engaged yet feel more like excuses than genuine concerns. I’m questioning things. Not whether or not he loves me, that much is evident in his words and actions, but whether or not I’m worth it in his eyes. 

I have two divorces under my belt. With both, I was the instigator. I don’t give up easily. It takes a lot to get me to the point that I’m just done. I tried to make both marriages work. I tried so hard. But when you’re being lied to, stolen from, cheated on, and mentally abused, it takes it’s toll on you. 

And to make matters even worse on myself, I can’t stop myself from putting my foot in my mouth, picking on Finn about getting married. It just flies out. I’m trying not to do it. I just keep telling myself it’s never going to happen. Cause, honestly, at this point I just don’t see it. 

I.just.don’t.see.it. 

That’s not going to stop be from being the best girlfriend I can be for him, but marriage? I just don’t see it in the cards for us. And that’s depressing. 

In a bad, bad place… 

(This is going to be a huge vent fest,  probably full of foul language. You have been warned) 

Fuck you, anxiety! Fuck you, depression! And fuck you PTSD! 

Yeah… I’m not handling the depression as well as I should be, or as well as I have in the past. My anxiety has me on fucking edge. At the worst possible fucking time. Between The Bitch due to show tomorrow, and having minimal time with Finn, due to necessary home repairs, I’m questioning everything. 

Every. Fucking. Thing.

Why’s he pulling away from me? 

Does he still love me? 

Did he ever love me? 

Is he breaking up with me? 

So yeah, it’s pretty fucking loud in my head right now. I’m an emotional fucking basketcase, struggling to make it through this depression. 

Even fucking worse? I have myself convinced that he doesn’t want to hear it, so I’m bottling A LOT of this up, only telling him bits and pieces. 

The logical part of me knows it’s the anxiety and depression talking, so there’s that. 

Here I am, sitting on the couch across from him, and he has no clue how bad things in my head really are right now. While I keep looking at him out of the corner of my eye, wondering why in the fuck I even deserve this amazing creature to love me enough to deal with my brand of crazy. 

God, I love that man but he deserves so much better than an emotionally damaged basket case. 


Ending 2016

I’m sooo fucking happy there’s less than 12 hours left of this year. 

It’s been one struggle after another, after another. 

My anxiety/depression has been horrible the past few weeks. When I was dealing with an ear infection (that the doctor described as severe), that I was to hardheaded to see a doctor about for two weeks, I was pretty much nonfunctional. I had to force myself to do anything but hug a mug of hot tea and the heater. I got really behind on housework, and I’m still in catch up mode. The mess effects my anxiety/depression which in turn makes me not want to deal with it. At all. 

I need to pull my head outta my ass (my father’s phrasing), and get on it. But I need help. The last time I went into a cleaning spree, I had the living room done. And two days later, Finn had his force  field back up. Yeah… It’s frustrating. 

Today… Today, I’m an emotional basket case, and I just wanna talk to Finn about it, but currently can’t, because he and his father are working on some home improvement stuff that’s been planned for a week. There’s nothing I can really do to help them, other than to stay out of their way, which leaves me feeling pretty damn worthless/useless. I wanna go curl up in a ball, but again that’ll just make me feel worse. 

Rock/hard place. 

December has been Murphy’s Law around this place. All sorts of plumbing problems. From backups, to frozen pipes that burst. It’s been a rough month, to end a rough year. 

Depression 

I rarely talk about emotions and feelings to anyone but Finn. I gave that up a long time ago. They either use it against you, or tell you to get over it. 


Honestly, I just can’t fucking deal with it anymore. I’m fucking tired of dealing with guilt trips for wanting to have my father in my life. 


My oldest sister is guilting me because no one wants my youngest sister at Thanksgiving dinner. She’s verbally jealous, verbally abusive, and was physically abusive towards me during my adolescence. She threatened to kill me when I was a kid. Of course, I don’t want to be around her. 


On top of that, Finn’s mom is guilting both of us for helping my father hang tiles on a vaulted ceiling. My father is 61 years old, with bad knees and bad joints in general. There have been days that he hasn’t been able to get out of bed, not because of pain, but because his joints refused to work. I don’t like the idea of him being on a ladder with no one else there. 


It feels like we just can’t win. I’m at a loss. It’s at the point that I just want to lock myself in the house and just stop talking to everyone. 

I Wanna Cry. Can I Cry?

Yup. Finn’s grandmother FINALLY told us that his uncle is moving in next weekend. Yup, we only got one week’s notice. One motherfucking week.

She’s known about this for months, but just now told us.

Things are fucking tense as hell. I keep finding myself on the verge of tears. I feel powerless. Unless something drastic happens between now and Saturday, we’re essentially screwed…

Five people, two bedroom house. Two kids, three adults.

I just realized last night that Z will be with his father for two weeks, starting Saturday.

Fuuuck me.

Not only do I have to deal with the asshole, I have to deal with him alone. Depending on the day, Finn typically leaves for work between 1:45pm and 2:45pm, and doesn’t get home until between 1&3 am. Alone. At night. With a man that I don’t like, barely know, and don’t trust. And, honestly, I’m fucking terrified of that man.

He’s all three of my abusive exes rolled into one misogynistic asshole. He touches me or threatens me, I swear to fucking god, I’ll be tazing him while I’m calling 911.

Oh, just fucking kill me now.

Here’s the kicker – if Z’s father finds all this out, he’ll try to take him from me. And if the judge finds Uncle’s charges, there’s a good chance I’ll lose Z. I lose my kid, and there will be hell to pay.

Does anyone think about that? No.
Does anyone but me and Finn care? Fuck no.

I am strong, because weakness is NOT A an option. But my strength is diminishing.

But I’m tired. So tired of struggling to make it through the day. So tired of being told I’m not allowed to complain. So tired of being told not to worry. So tired of not being allowed to have my own opinion.

I’m so ready to just give up. No one cares. Why should I???

Freaking Seriously?

So… Finn’s mom just called, and apparently his uncle’s house is being foreclosed on. He has until the 25th to find another place to go. So far, he hasn’t. And Finn’s mom thinks that his grandmother is going to let him and his son move in here. Without any warning to us.

Have I mentioned I can’t stand Finn’s uncle? Or his son, who has ZERO discipline, and beyond destroying every blind in the house, writing on walls, fucking peed on both the couch and love seat (which we just replaced last weekend) while they lived here before.

On top of all that, there’s NO room to add two more people. This house is two bedroom. One for Finn and I, and one for Z. Where exactly are we going to put two more people?

I can only imagine what’s going through Finn’s grandmother’s mind. Z and Finn’s cousin sharing a room?  Definitely not fair to Z. And where would that put his uncle?  Putting Finn’s uncle and cousin in our (already stuffed) room, and put us in the living room? What about our clothes and stuff that we (obviously) store in the bedroom? Zero privacy. No doors lock. NONE. Not even the bathroom door.

Even better? Finn’s uncle has a bad history. He did some fucked up shit to a (female) member of the family. He was never charged (she came forward too late), so instead of being locked up for 15-20 years, I have to deal with the possibility of living in the same house with him. Guess I’ll be sleeping with my tazer under my pillow, and a can of pepper spray.

Finn’s mom said we should ask the owner of the store down the street if she has anything available to rent. Even if she does, it doesn’t exactly help us, as we have zero money for a deposit. And we only have 12 days.

No fucking wonder I’m stressed the fuuuck out, and spiraling into depression.

Omfg

Just got wind that Finn’s grandmother is planning on coming up AGAIN this weekend.

That’s seven weekends in a row, if you’re counting.

Let’s put this in prospective, shall we…

When she’s here, Finn and I are forbidden from sleeping in the same bed. Weekend nights are the only time we have together. He works nights Monday through Friday, and I’m usually asleep by the time he gets home. Z is here and awake during the day before Finn goes to work.

That means no sex. Barely any sex in seven fucking weeks. I’m irritated. I’m frustrated. I want my emotional and physical connection with Finn.

When she’s here, if I make something that doesn’t suit her taste, she complains to anyone that’ll listen.

When she’s here, if things aren’t **perfect** she’ll say snide remarks under her breath, and tell anyone that will listen.

I cannot fucking wait until we’re out of this house. I can’t deal with this anymore. I’m 33 fucking years old, and I’m tired of living my life according to someone else’s rules.

Lord help me this weekend.

Living with PTSD

Ugh, my posts have been so negative recently. Really, the only negatives right now are Finn’s uncle and grandmother. Moreso his uncle than his grandmother. His grandmother is fine, until she allows his uncle to treat me the way he does.

It’s just that my nerves are so shot when his uncle comes around. It’s like he knows every single one of my triggers. He knows he’s getting under my skin, and that’s why he continues to do it. What he isn’t aware of, however, is my PTSD. He continuously hits my trigger words and phrases. If I ever lose control, it’s a very real possibility that I will go into a flashback. Lord help him if he ever tries to touch me.

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My flashbacks come in three forms: fight, flight, or collapse. Fight makes me look like a bitch, flight makes it look like they’ve won, and collapse makes me look like a drama queen. There’s no winning in a flashback. My most common response is collapse. That’s exactly what I do. I collapse into the fetal position and cry and shake until I can pull myself out of it. Then I’ll feel weak and vulnerable the next few days.

I’m currently on edge, because one of my “trigger dates” is coming up. July 5, 2004. The day the emotional and verbal abuse became physical. My (then) boyfriend and father of my oldest son grabbed me by both biceps (leaving hand shaped bruises) and bent me backward over our porch railing. In front of his entire family. He then called my parents house, and screamed into the phone “you better come get her, or I’m going to kill her!”

Six months later, on December 26, 2004, he tried to make good on his promise. He straddled me on the bed, and wrapped bath hands around my neck (again, leaving bruises). He continued to choke me until my vision started going black. To this day, I have no clue how I escaped his grasp. I only remember planting my feet on his chest and kicking him off of me. That was the day I walked out.

Of course, his family blamed me. Said I left scratches on his face and gave him a black eye. His mom was pissed that I’d left him without a phone.

PTSD sucks. You live through the initial trauma, only to have to relive it at unexpected times and places. My last flashback happened during sex. That killed sexy time real quick.

I told Finn about my PTSD when I first saw the potential of a relationship. He deserved to know what he was getting into. I told him all of my triggers, and how best to pull me out and back into this place & time.

Monday Bitchfest 6/27/2016

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OMFG… I’m pissed.

Back story:
Finn and I rent his grandmother’s house, while she lives out of state to babysit Finn’s two young cousins. All of the utilities (electric, satellite, trash pickup, and internet services) are in our name. Basically, while we rent from his grandmother, it’s no different than renting from a non-related landlord.

Except…

If it were any other landlord-tenant situation, the shit she does would be hugely illegal…

She’ll randomly show up on weekends (five in a row, now. And planning on coming up next weekend. **internally screaming**). She’ll bring Finn’s cousins (9 & 11 year old girls… guess who becomes their entertainment) up. She digs through our refrigerator and freezer and use whatever she wants, without asking if I was planning on using it for something else (I have a severely limited diet, due to food sensitivities, and she’ll use our foods to make stuff I can’t eat). Sometimes, it’s the whole weekend, while others are only a few hours on Saturday, with her son (who I cannot stand, for many, many reasons).

He’s a classic misogynistic asshole. Only, he doesn’t out & out say it. No, he only talks down to me. Claiming “all women are the same.” That I had no right to ask for child support when I divorced my son’s father (ummm, what?). He tries to order me around when they’re here. And when I refuse, Grandma shoots me nasty looks.

All that being said… there are rumors going around the family that she’s planning on allowing him to move back in.

Ohhhh, hell to the no. I absolutely loathe that man. I’d rather live in a tent than in the same house as that man and his brat son.

And then yesterday, more of the rumor was revealed to us… That she plans on kicking us out, to allow for him to move in. All of this being said, without her saying one word to us. I feel like we’re living in the dark, and I HATE it.

It’s such a fucked up situation, and everyone sees it, except for her and her misogynistic son.

I’ve told Finn I’m shocked she allows him to talk to any female the way he talks to me. Maybe I’m more sensitive than most, because of what I’ve lived through. When I was clearly upset by things he’s said to Finn about me, she says “he’s just trying to tell Finn how it is.”

FUCKING BULLSHIT! You can’t blame every woman (or man), for something someone in your past did.

I’m fucking sick & tired of dealing with their attitude and demands. She knows our routine, and still chooses to show up, expecting us to be there for her beck and call. Nope. Sorry. Neither me nor Finn (or the rest of his family) can stand the asshole you raised.

I’m really, really hoping for some sort of torrential downpour this weekend, so she won’t show up. Z’s birthday is on the first, but since he’ll still be with his father we’re planning to surprise him when he gets home. And I’m going to be hugely FUCKING pissed if they show up and ruin his birthday.

So, yeah. Pissed is an understatement.

We’re actively looking for a new place. And I hope like hell she’ll never randomly show up with Finn’s uncle, cause trust me, I WILL have something to say about that.