Category Archives: divorce
Last week, this blog hit it’s third birthday. It’s been my outlet through the separation and divorce from XH, the relationship with Scott, his cancer diagnosis, the subsequent breakup, meeting Finn, and has chronicled our entire relationship, from the first meeting, to the engagement and wedding planning, and now our marriage.
A lot can change in three years.
When I first started this blog, it was meant to be an outlet for my thoughts throughout everything I was dealing with. Even if it was never publicly posted, it was still chronicled in private posts that were never meant to be seen by the public eye. I never expected to have one follower, let alone the 180+ I have. Small number, yes, however, none of my followers know me personally.
While friends and family are aware of this blog’s existence, I’ve never given them the web address. No one’s asked for it, as they know it’s my outlet, and respect my right for anonymity online.
I will forever be grateful that this blog helped me rise from the ashes of my last marriage.
Sooo… Finn got a phone call from his mom yesterday, and I’m about thisclose to just giving up.
- Guilt trips for visiting my father more than them.
- “Why aren’t y’all married yet?”
- “Don’t get married unless you’re sure.”
- “She’s been divorced. Twice.”
- “Our family doesn’t believe in divorce.”
Phone calls with her never fail to send me on an emotional roller coaster.
My self esteem and self worth have tanked in recent months, and Finn’s reasons for us not being married/officially engaged yet feel more like excuses than genuine concerns. I’m questioning things. Not whether or not he loves me, that much is evident in his words and actions, but whether or not I’m worth it in his eyes.
I have two divorces under my belt. With both, I was the instigator. I don’t give up easily. It takes a lot to get me to the point that I’m just done. I tried to make both marriages work. I tried so hard. But when you’re being lied to, stolen from, cheated on, and mentally abused, it takes it’s toll on you.
And to make matters even worse on myself, I can’t stop myself from putting my foot in my mouth, picking on Finn about getting married. It just flies out. I’m trying not to do it. I just keep telling myself it’s never going to happen. Cause, honestly, at this point I just don’t see it.
That’s not going to stop be from being the best girlfriend I can be for him, but marriage? I just don’t see it in the cards for us. And that’s depressing.
STBXH is now XH. Our divorce was finalized yesterday morning. It was a lot quicker than I was expecting. Our hearing was scheduled for 1000am, and after he agreed with everything I’d said in the paper work, I was back in the truck by 1008. I’m pretty sure they let us in the court room early, but I’m not sure how early.
Recieved the letter for our final court hearing for the divorce to be finalized…
On Thursday, February 23rd, it’ll be finalized, and I’ll have my life back.
The past week has been a roller coaster ride of emotions; my head is still all over the place.
Tuesday, January 17th
– filed for my divorce from STBXH
– Z came home from school complaining of stomach pains
Wednesday, January 18th
-kept Z home from school, he got progressively worse as the day went on
– called 911 for an ambulance to take us to the hospital
– diagnosis of appendicitis
Thursday, January 19th
– emergency appendectomy. No rupture, but a LOT of pus in his abdomen.
– due to said pus, there’s a risk of secondary infection. Extra time in the hospital.
Friday, January 20th
– got a text from STBXH saying that he’d been served with the divorce papers.
We were in the hospital until yesterday, and Z’s home til Wednesday. I’ve received a crap ton of phone calls and messages of support and concern. Including from Z’s teacher and a classmate’s mom. It’s been amazing.
I spent the whole ambulance ride to the hospital second guessing myself, after the EMTs said it could be as simple as severe constipation. Clearly, my mother’s intuition was in full force Wednesday evening. I don’t want to think about what could have happened had I not gotten him to the hospital when I did. (Hint: it could have ended VERY badly.)
Finn was amazing during all of this. He left work early to be with us in the ER Wednesday, and sat with me while Z was in surgery. He only left the hospital to go to work, and came straight back as soon as he got off. Words cannot express how much that meant to Z and I.
Other than Finn having to work Saturday (yay, overtime?), we had a good weekend.
We went up to my dad’s, so Finn could help him replace the ceiling tiles in the living room. They’d fallen due to a combination of an earthquake that hit a few years ago and a tree that fell on the house. Fun stuff, I’m telling ya.
Well, after we left…
Yep, Finn bought me a ring. Since my divorce is still pending, our engagement and wedding are on hold, but the intent is still there…
Holy shit, two posts in one day…
The past few weeks, I’ve gone back through and read messages between STBXH and myself since the day I told him I was done. That’s almost two and a half years worth of messages to go through.
Fortunately, I’ve never deleted a single one, so I have them all in my possession no matter what phone or phone number he was using.
I spent the first few months after I left wondering if I was the problem. I caught hell from his friends, received nasty, vile text messages from his friends. He claimed to have been a victim of me. Now, after rereading his texts, and speaking with friends that knew him, I’m most definitely assured that, no, I was his victim.
Lies, deflection, gaslighting, deversion. His texts read like a fucking psychology book on narcissism.
I have almost two and a half year’s worth of proof of narcissistic abuse piled up. And that’s only after I left.
Of course before I left, it was the same shit.
Find messages to other women? My fault, because “if I wasn’t looking, I wouldn’t have found it”. Someone sends me links to his dating site profiles? Somehow my fault.
My eyes are open now. He’s a liar, a cheater, and a narcissist. And I was his victim.
Finn and I deposited the check STBXH sent me Saturday. We were advised to wait until Friday to make sure it cleared, because despite STBXH’s assurance that it will, I’m still skeptical. I know he has a bad history with money. It’s annoying as fuck that he expects me to just take him on his word, when I’ve caught him in so many lies.
At this point, I’m over it. I told Finn the other day that I’ve reached the point of IDGAF.
My thoughts are currently here and there and everywhere else.
Finn and I have been together for over a year and a half now, and we’re both ready to move onto the next step. There’s only one thing stopping us…
I’m still legally married to STBXH. It’s driving me crazy. We’ve been separated for well over two years. My life has been on hold since the day I walked out.
I’ll be 34 in a month and a half. I’m ready for my forever with Finn to officially begin. We’ve already accomplished so much together as a couple. We literally started at rock bottom, and now we’re buying a home together.
I cannot wait for my divorce to be finalized, so Finn and I can begin our forever.
Since my last post, STBXH decided to send me a check for $100 to go towards the divorce. Because of time restraints, I haven’t been able to try to cash it just yet.
I’m really hoping it’s a legit check, and that this truly is the beginning of the end of the divorce so Finn and I can continue with our plans.