Category Archives: Illness

Bragging Rights

I don’t brag about Finn very much, but yesterday when I found this little note on the counter after waking up feeling like death warmed over, it seems appropriate. 

Emotionally Exhausting Week

The past week has been a roller coaster ride of emotions; my head is still all over the place. 

Tuesday, January 17th 

   – filed for my divorce from STBXH

   – Z came home from school complaining of stomach pains


Wednesday, January 18th

   -kept Z home from school, he got progressively worse as the day went on

   – called 911 for an ambulance to take us to the hospital

   – diagnosis of appendicitis 


Thursday, January 19th

   – emergency appendectomy. No rupture, but a LOT of pus in his abdomen. 

   – due to said pus, there’s a risk of secondary infection. Extra time in the hospital. 

Friday,  January 20th

   – got a text from STBXH saying that he’d been served with the divorce papers. 


We were in the hospital until yesterday, and Z’s home til Wednesday. I’ve received a crap ton of phone calls and messages of support and concern. Including from Z’s teacher and a classmate’s mom. It’s been amazing. 

I spent the whole ambulance ride to the hospital second guessing myself, after the EMTs said it could be as simple as severe constipation. Clearly, my mother’s intuition was in full force Wednesday evening. I don’t want to think about what could have happened had I not gotten him to the hospital when I did. (Hint: it could have ended VERY badly.)

Finn was amazing during all of this. He left work early to be with us in the ER Wednesday, and sat with me while Z was in surgery. He only left the hospital to go to work, and came straight back as soon as he got off. Words cannot express how much that meant to Z and I. 


Ending 2016

I’m sooo fucking happy there’s less than 12 hours left of this year. 

It’s been one struggle after another, after another. 

My anxiety/depression has been horrible the past few weeks. When I was dealing with an ear infection (that the doctor described as severe), that I was to hardheaded to see a doctor about for two weeks, I was pretty much nonfunctional. I had to force myself to do anything but hug a mug of hot tea and the heater. I got really behind on housework, and I’m still in catch up mode. The mess effects my anxiety/depression which in turn makes me not want to deal with it. At all. 

I need to pull my head outta my ass (my father’s phrasing), and get on it. But I need help. The last time I went into a cleaning spree, I had the living room done. And two days later, Finn had his force  field back up. Yeah… It’s frustrating. 

Today… Today, I’m an emotional basket case, and I just wanna talk to Finn about it, but currently can’t, because he and his father are working on some home improvement stuff that’s been planned for a week. There’s nothing I can really do to help them, other than to stay out of their way, which leaves me feeling pretty damn worthless/useless. I wanna go curl up in a ball, but again that’ll just make me feel worse. 

Rock/hard place. 

December has been Murphy’s Law around this place. All sorts of plumbing problems. From backups, to frozen pipes that burst. It’s been a rough month, to end a rough year. 

Happy Birthday to me… 

I’ve been sick to variable degrees since the end of August. August. Going on three months of varying illnesses seemingly back to back. And my immune system has taken a serious nosedive from it all. 
Today I’m feeling closer to 100% than I have in weeks. Today I’m only dealing with a stuffy/runny nose, a cough so bad I dry heave, and swollen, tender lymph nodes on the right side my neck. I’m relying heavily on caffeine and ibuprofen to function. 
During the day, I’m great. CSM function as though I’m not sick at all. That gets tossed out the window the second I try to lay down to get some very much needed sleep. I’m lucky if I get 2-3 hours of sleep these days. I lay on my left side, my jaw shifts and puts pressure on my swollen lymph node. I lay on my right side, and it’s direct pressure on the lymph node. I lay on my back, and I’ve got to find just the right angle so I don’t put pressure on the lymph node. By the time I find a comfortable position that DOESN’T put pressure on said lymph node, it’s too late. Lymph node is irritated. So I have to get up, take some more ibuprofen, and sit with my head angled towards the heater until the pain in within tolerable range again. 
Repeat laying down process again. 
Yep. Happy motherfucking birthday to me. 

Feelings…

When Scott ended things because of his cancer diagnosis, it broke me. It shattered me. He had his reasons, and I understood and respected them. But it wasn’t until I received the call that I fully grasped it.

As much as it hurt then… what would it have been like had he not ended it? I’d be broken beyond repair. I wouldn’t have Finn.

In meeting Finn, and starting the relationship with him,  I gave Scott exactly what he needed and wanted from me. The knowledge that I was happy, and was going to be OK.

He truly changed my life. I wouldn’t be where I am today had I never met him. I probably would have never met Finn, and would probably still be in the god-awful marriage to STBXH.  Scott rescued me, when I didn’t have the funds to save myself. He taught me I deserve respect. Something he said to me on our first “date” still sticks with me…  “You’re not broken, they didn’t deserve you.” One sentence, seven words, ten syllables, changed my entire life.

Scott,
I hope you see how much you meant to me. I still carry you in my heart. I’ll always love you. Now – can you do me a favor and give me some sort of sign that you’re OK, and are still gonna send your guidance from the afterlife? I’ve been waiting – not so patiently.

~Tam

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The Post I Never Wanted to Write…

Scott passed away this morning. I got the call around noon. He’d passed only an hour earlier.

I need to vent somewhere.

I want to scream, I want to yell, but mostly, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. He was an amazing friend to me, and I wouldn’t be where I am in life if I’d never met him.

Fuck cancer. Fuck August.

He’ll forever be in my heart. I’ll never not love him.

I’m still waiting for it to all sink in.

It’s Always August…

I fucking hate August!

This past weekend, a friend mine and Finn’s was killed when hit by a car in a hit and run. Witnesses say he flew 100+ feet. Yesterday, the suspect turned herself in. She’s claiming she thought she’d hit a deer. We’re hoping justice will be served to the fullest extent of the law.

On another note,  Scott is in Hospice inpatient care. The doctors aren’t giving a timeline, but are saying it’ll be soon.

Fuck August.

Tomorrow marks seven years since my mom passed away, and yesterday was seven years since the last time I’d seen her alive.

September needs to hurry the fuck up.

My Heart Hurts..

This morning, when I logged onto Facebook I saw the news that Alan Rickman has passed away. He had been battling cancer secretly.

The perfect Professor Snape.

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((Auto correct, are you trying to kill me on this post??? Morning was corrected to mourning, and perfect was corrected to prefect))

Health Concerns…

I went to my doctor yesterday for my routine annual check-up…

Yeah…  Routine.

I was talking to the nurse about some of the issues I’ve been having (nausea, headaches, going back and forth between hot and cold flashes, among a few other things). When my doctor came in the room, she followed up asking about other symptoms. Some of the ones she asked about were symptoms I’ve been having, but never put much thought into (cold hands and feet, heart palpitations). Apparently, my answers were enough that she began to suspect an issue with my thyroid.

I go in Monday to have at least five vials of blood drawn. I hope they let Finn come back with me. I hate needles.

They also found leukocytes in my urine, with no other signs of infection. Fun.

Updated the “About” Section

How do I even begin to explain how much my life has changed?

On June 8, 2014, I met Scott at a bar. I’d had a rough day and a (now) former friend suggested we go somewhere to get me out of the house. Scott overheard what we were talking about and offered me and my boys a place. We moved in less than a week later.

It was an extremely fast paced relationship. I fell for him fast and hard.

Fast forward to 2015. Anything that could go wrong, did go wrong. In late January, he went to the hospital and was told he had pneumonia, a month later, he was worse. He went back to the hospital and the chest X-ray revealed that his entire left lung was filled with fluid. They found cancerous cells in the fluid.

The evening he was released from the hospital, he told me he wanted me to “move on” and “find someone else.” He doesn’t want me to hurt anymore than I have to. He wants me to be happy, and he can’t provide the happiness I deserve anymore.

It hurt. It fucking shattered me when he said those words. I don’t like it, I don’t want it, but I accept it. I have no choice but to accept it.

It’s been three weeks since he ended it, and I’m still currently living in his house, though it feels more like simply existing. We’re on good terms. It was hard, at first, to separate the relationship from the friendship.

He’s supportive of me seeing Finn. And Finn is aware of how bizarre this whole situation is.

I’m’a be OK.