Category Archives: insomnia

It’s Loud Inside My Head

The past few weeks, my mind’s been going non-stop. I rarely get a break from it all. Sleep is a blissful respite from it all. That is, when sleep finds me. 

Holidays are hard for me. Have been since my mom passed away. This year’s holiday season is already hard on me. My 35th birthday, the one I’ve been dreading for years, is about to hit me in the face. Advanced Maternal Age. Middle Age. I’m getting old. 

Then, there’s TTC. I know, I know. We haven’t been trying that long, but I’m already over it. After trying over two years with my XH and no success, the experience left me feeling defeated. And now, each month having The Bitch show up rather than a positive pregnancy test is harder than I thought it would be. 

Finn’s been amazing with it. He’s in the camp of “if it happens, it happens”, but it’s not a deal breaker if it doesn’t. I just hope he’ll back me if I want to pull the plug for a month or two. 

I went out and bought some ovulation tests today, and I’m regretting sending spending that money already. But I also know they’ll help me keep at least part of my sanity, since I’ve been half-assing my charting the past few cycles. 


No more unnecessary purchases, Tamma. Get with the program. Phone, tobacco, that’s it. 

On another note, Finn’s mom has called/texted both of us, but has yet to mention anything about Thanksgiving. Finn and I have agreed to plan on having our own dinner here: chicken, mashed potatoes, stuffing, etc… We agreed that if they asked about it, we’d consider it. However, if they call day of, it’ll be “too little, too late.” Especially after we were told to call first the last time we’d popped in. 

Hypocrite, much?


Happy Birthday to me… 

I’ve been sick to variable degrees since the end of August. August. Going on three months of varying illnesses seemingly back to back. And my immune system has taken a serious nosedive from it all. 
Today I’m feeling closer to 100% than I have in weeks. Today I’m only dealing with a stuffy/runny nose, a cough so bad I dry heave, and swollen, tender lymph nodes on the right side my neck. I’m relying heavily on caffeine and ibuprofen to function. 
During the day, I’m great. CSM function as though I’m not sick at all. That gets tossed out the window the second I try to lay down to get some very much needed sleep. I’m lucky if I get 2-3 hours of sleep these days. I lay on my left side, my jaw shifts and puts pressure on my swollen lymph node. I lay on my right side, and it’s direct pressure on the lymph node. I lay on my back, and I’ve got to find just the right angle so I don’t put pressure on the lymph node. By the time I find a comfortable position that DOESN’T put pressure on said lymph node, it’s too late. Lymph node is irritated. So I have to get up, take some more ibuprofen, and sit with my head angled towards the heater until the pain in within tolerable range again. 
Repeat laying down process again. 
Yep. Happy motherfucking birthday to me. 

Bad Dreams…

Last night was rough, to say the least…

Before Finn got home from work (Can I just say that I HATE that he works nights???), I woke up from a semi-nightmare.

I’d been laying in bed, half asleep, when all of a sudden these half-monkey-half-hermit crab things started attacking me. They had the shells and hard exoskeletons of hermit crabs, but were furry and had tails like monkeys. Seriously, WTF???

I tried to wait up for Finn after that, but failed miserably.

Then, this morning, another one hit…

I had been sitting in the living room when I hear a car door slam shut. I looked out the window to see our mail carrier unloading bunk beds. So I go outside, and she hands me two open envelopes.

One was the paperwork for the divorce, with information circled, underlined, and written in. The other was paperwork she’d filled out to report me to CPS (Child Protection Services). Using the information she’d found on the divorce paperwork (what she’d circled, underlined, written in) and the delivery of the bunk beds as “evidence”.

Yeah, to say I’m shaken up is an understatement

Damnit, Finn… (language warning)

Could you, I don’t know, STOP BEING SO FUCKING PERFECT?

I’m not used to this shit. Seriously. All those things that seem so small to you are HUGE for me. I don’t thank you nearly enough for everything you do for us.

Honestly? I’m FUCKING terrified because of all of this. I’m not sure anyone has ever cared for me as much as you do. And that’s exactly why I’m scared.

I’m tainted. I fuck up. A lot. I’m fucking terrified that I’m going to end up fucking up and losing you.

Your love for me is as obvious as the sun in the sky. I hear it in your voice, and feel it in your embrace.


Seems fitting...

Damnit Finn I love you, and it scares the bejebus outta me.

Breaking my own rules

Finn and I have a running debate that he’s biased when he says I’m beautiful.

His evidence is all the compliments I received when we went out Sunday night.

I have zero evidence on the contrary, just extremely low self esteem.

So, I’m breaking my own rule and posting a pic of myself from Sunday….


This is me. The woman behind the words.

Rough day…

It’s currently 0139, and I can’t freaking sleep. My mind is racing. I had a very emotional day.

Scott and I got to talk a good bit. I cried a lot. I said the words that have been buzzing around my head and heart these past couple of weeks.

I love him. He’ll always be a part of me. I’ll never not love him. I hoped that I brought as much happiness into his life as he brought into mine. I know he doesn’t want this. He doesn’t want to hurt me. I’m trying to be strong, but sometimes I break. That I wanted something to remember him by.

He gave me a dragon charm that he always used to wear.  It’s him. He has two dragon tattoos, and I have one. I’m wearing it on the claddagh necklace he bought me when we first met.

I feel a bit better than I have been. Like I’m closer to closure. One baby step at a time.

Running on Zero Sleep

No sleep for me last night… I’ve been up since 0700 yesterday morning. I spent all night researching. Divorce, separation, what causes fluid in the lung. I came up with an after-effect of the pneumonia, Congestive Heart Failure, and cancer, among others. Obviously, we’re hoping it’s from the pneumonia. That’s the best case scenario.

They’ve done X-rays, a ct scan, and blood work, but aren’t saying anything. I’m fairly confident that it’s not cancer, since he’s had multiple chest X-rays and ct scans since October, and nothing has shown up yet.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m luring myself into a false sense of security.

Upset and Pissed Off

Note:  This post was started a few nights ago, when I was in a very dark place.

I’m so fucking upset and pissed off – at myself.

First, for letting myself believe that Scott would never hurt me.

And second, for being so fucking stupid and giving him every reason to hurt me.

Ugh, I fucking HATE myself right now. I fucked up the best relationship I’ve ever had.

Things were bad, and I thought for sure that Scott and I were over.

No, we haven’t split up, and are doing a lot better than when I started this post a few nights ago.

Communication is key, people.

I told him almost exactly what is stated above (pissed off at myself for giving him the reasons to say what he said). And, in true Scott fashion, took on half of the blame himself. For letting things go so far out of control before he said anything.

So we’ve talked things out, and we’re working together to fix this little hiccup.

Insomnia fueled thoughts


I have the ability to think completely coherent thoughts, until around midnight. That’s when all hell breaks loose.

I’ll think of random things to blog about, then get pulled through the rabbit hole and end up in Oz. Seriously.


Example (one last week):

Hmm. My hair’s almost to my waist


Only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades

Hmm. I wonder if my Dad still has the grenade Grandpa Steve gave me.

Seriously, I just went from my hair to hand grenades? No sleep for me tonight.

Then, out of nowhere…

“Follow the yellow brick road, follow the yellow brick road”

How the fuck did I just end up in Oz?!?!

And then, I spent an hour trying to figure out how thinking about how long my hair is sent me to Oz.


I should start posting about this shit more often. It’s more interesting than a dream diary.