Category Archives: love
Last week, this blog hit it’s third birthday. It’s been my outlet through the separation and divorce from XH, the relationship with Scott, his cancer diagnosis, the subsequent breakup, meeting Finn, and has chronicled our entire relationship, from the first meeting, to the engagement and wedding planning, and now our marriage.
A lot can change in three years.
When I first started this blog, it was meant to be an outlet for my thoughts throughout everything I was dealing with. Even if it was never publicly posted, it was still chronicled in private posts that were never meant to be seen by the public eye. I never expected to have one follower, let alone the 180+ I have. Small number, yes, however, none of my followers know me personally.
While friends and family are aware of this blog’s existence, I’ve never given them the web address. No one’s asked for it, as they know it’s my outlet, and respect my right for anonymity online.
I will forever be grateful that this blog helped me rise from the ashes of my last marriage.
Finally getting around to posting this, since Finn goes back to work today.
Saturday was an amazing, but crazy day. I woke up a little before 0400,and there was NO WAY I was getting back too sleep. I was too excited and nervous. So, I ended up making my Mom’s goulash recipe for the reception.
There were a few hiccups along the way, but no one else saw or noticed. Finn and I had to backtrack because we forgot something at the house, my dad showed up two hours early while I was getting my hair done (which turned out better than I ever would have expected), and a few other very minor things that none of our guests noticed.
In true Tamma fashion, I tripped over my dress as I was walking down the aisle. I joked at the reception that it wouldn’t really be our wedding if that hadn’t happened. I cried through my vows. In pictures, it looks like Finn was on the verge.
I asked my Aunt yesterday to help us set up the pavilion pre-ceremony, as well as to help me get ready at the church. It means A LOT to me, since she’s the closest, biologically, to my mother. If my Mom can’t be there to zip me into my dress, my Aunt is the next best. I know it meant a lot to her that I asked.
I told Finn this, in front of his brother (the one who guilted him into naming him best man, but that’s a whole other can of WTF), who was there to pick him up for his bachelor party. After that conversation, the following happened.
BM = brother/best man
F = Finn
M = Me
BM – I’m not going to be able to help set-up for the reception. I have to work the night before.
M – That’s ok, my Aunt and Uncle said they’d help.
BM – FBIL and FSIL (the ones I’ve posted about. Repetitively) are going to help decorate.
M – No, that’s ok. Aunt and Uncle will be there.
F – (says something I forget)
BM – FBIL and FSIL WILL help.
… silence …
First of all, I FUCKING HATE to be told how things are going to happen.
Second of all neither Finn nor I do well with demands, and that’s exactly what it felt like.
Third of all, we haven’t asked them for their input on ANYTHING. Absolutely nothing at all. In fact, I’ve avoided giving FSIL any details.
Fourth of all (seriously?), No. Just… No. His family have done all they can to take over the ceremony. The reception is MY baby. It’s my blood (no, literally, I cut myself a couple of times), sweat, and tears that went into planning out the decorations, and then making them WITH MY OWN TWO HANDS. I will most definitely lose my shit if someone ruins any of my hard work.
So, yeah. I’m fucking irritated. They’ve done everything they can to take over this wedding, and I’m at my wits end with the whole lot of them.
Finn’s not to happy with them at this point, either. BM said he was planning on leaving the reception after his speech, told us that their mom probably won’t come to the reception (that one I 100% understand, as she just had surgery), and that the rest of the family probably won’t, either. Finn said that if they don’t come, he won’t speak to any of them for a year.
Six more days of this shit, and I’m done.
We’re 18 days away from the wedding at this point, and for the most part, all of my stress has melted away.
For the most part…
Finn’s mom called me yesterday, and it was a doozy. There’s some background before I get into the conversation.
((Finn was adopted at around 7 months old, and his biological sister was adopted to the same parents at birth, when Finn was 13 months old. I’ve never met their biological mother, and I have no desire to. I’ve heard horror stories about how bad things were for Finn before he came to be in his adoptive parent’s care. It’s not my story to tell, but I will say that his bio mother dropped him off to be babysat, and then just never returned.))
As I said, I’ve never met his bio mother, and I have zero desire to. It came out months ago (before our engagment was official, let alone announced), that his bio mom had contacted his adoptive mom, trying to get information about me, and our relationship (even to an outsider ((he has his bio mom as a Facebook friend)), it was obvious that our relationship was headed towards an engagement and wedding, apparently). Even so far as to hinting for an invitation to our wedding (which, again, at that point I hadn’t even received an invitation to). Have I mentioned I have zero desire to meet this woman??? Yea-NO. No invite for bio mother. No brainer decision, on both of our parts.
Ok, onto yesterday’s phone call…
His mom called, and said she had a question for me, all while acting extremely nervous, which got my anxiety going.
I’ll be “T” for Tamma, and she’ll be “M” for mom:
M: I wanted to verify that ((Finn’s bio mother)) won’t be at the wedding.
T: Definitely not.
M: Because me and ((Finn’s sister)) will walk out if she shows up.
T: I’ve never met her, I have no desire to meet her. If she wanted to be a part of Finn’s life, she should have thought about that before she gave him away.
Plus, she has no clue where the ceremony even is.
M: Are you sure? Because you’ve been posting about it a lot.
T: I’m positive. I’ve been extremely careful, because I have mutual friends with ((PsychoSister)), and I don’t want anyone to be able to pass along information to her.
She finally got it after I said that. She knows what I’ve dealt with from PsychoSister, and how much anxiety the thought of her showing up causes me.
She then went on to ask if I’m nervous.
Nope. The only thing that changes is the legality. But, she still swears I am/will be nervous. What’s there to be nervous over? Saying “I do”? Nah. We’ve known since very early on that this was it. We started talking about marriage within the first month of dating. No nerves involved at all.
I’m getting married! We have 59 days left to go. It’s been so hard without you here to bounce ideas off of. You’re going to be represented in small, but obvious ways. My dress, OMG my dress. It’s amazing! It’s light and airy, and GREY. Grey, the color that represents lung disease awareness. I didn’t even realize it until my dress was in my arms.
The flowers were another happy accident. Lilacs, roses, lilies, hydrangeas. All flowers I know you loved. It was almost like you’d been guiding my hand as I picked them out. I’m even using eucalyptus as filler, because the smell relaxes me because you always had a eucalyptus spray sitting on the fireplace when I was growing up. Small things my fiance’s family won’t think twice about, but our side will definitely see it.
My necklace is doubled-stranded, with two open filigree lockets. One locket has your birthstone, the other has my fiance’s. I attached another locket to dad’s boutoneer with both of your birthstones inside.
But mom, things are going sideways. My fiance’s family is driving me bat shit insane. His mom claims it’s our wedding, and tells us to do what we want, but then turns around and puts down all of our ideas. Sunday, she even questioned why I want to wear boots. Mom, the wedding is a rustic/country theme. of course I want to wear cowboy boots. It’s part of who I am.
His brother’s wife is trying to pretend they’re part of the bridal party. She’s trying to have her and her husband match us. It’s annoying, but far from the end of the world. I’ll just make sure the photographer keeps them on the outside of group photos. His mom did, however, ask if I had a preference as to what color she wears. I told her anything but grey or pale pink, as that’s what my MOH and I are wearing. I’m hoping that gets spread through the family. I told my fiancé and added that I hope she realizes white is included in that. He said he hopes so, too. Even he knows you don’t wear white to someone else’s wedding.
As our wedding day inches nearer, I’m missing you more and more. I’ve ugly cried more than once. You may not be there physically, but I’ll make damn sure you’ll be there spiritually.
I’ll be so fucking happy once this wedding is done.
Finn’s family is driving me bat shit crazy. If it’s not FSIL trying to get too involved, it’s FMIL complaining about one thing or another. If it’s not FMIL shitting on all of our ideas, it’s Finn’s brother complaining about having to wear a boutoneer.
After him and his mom guilted Finn into naming him as best man. Seriously? He’s complaining about the requested attire for a role he guilted Finn into giving him. That’s LITERALLY the number one job of everyone in the bridal party. SHOW UP WEARING THE REQUESTED ATTIRE. Don’t fucking complain about it. Damn.
FSIL has gone radio silent after our conversation about what she wants to wear. It’s beyond hope. No one’s going to talk to her about how inappropriate it is to intentionally match the bridal party. Either no one understands, or they don’t care.
My vote goes for the latter.
I posted a simple question on Facebook to see if anyone else was of my sister’s opinion, that it’s inappropriate to ask ceremony guests not to post pictures until after our arrival at the reception.
Most agreed with me, that it’s not too much to ask.
FMIL’s opinion however…
Look I am going to take pictures I don’t care what Finn says and if u guys have a problem with that I just won’t come
That was followed up by a phone call from her asking why not everyone will be invited to the ceremony. I tried to explain that both Finn and I suffer from social anxiety, and wanted to keep the ceremony private and intimate, but still wanted to share at least part of the day with our friends.
Ugh… NOW she’s complaining that the reception will be too big, and we won’t have enough food for everyone.
There’s no winning with this family.
I did the math after the phone call. Not including children, the ceremony will have 24 guests (including wedding party), and the reception will have 36 guests. Including all children, our guest list count jumps to 53 people. And that’s IF (huge, major, IF) everyone invited shows up. Which I highly doubt they will.
Still, not a big wedding, despite what she says. That’s smaller than most of the family get togethers my parents hosted when I was growing up.
Next up: FMIL wants granddaughters soon. Granddaughters, not grandsons. She wants me to have twin girls. Oh, but wait six months after going off birth control, because that’s how long it takes to get out of your system.
Ummm. No. It takes 2-3 days. That’s what your period is when you’re on birth control. Withdrawal bleed. It may take awhile for your body to figure out WTF it’s doing, but the hormones are out of your system within days.
I’ve been off my BCPs since May, and have had two normal cycles since (I chart). My last period even indicated that my body has figured out what it’s supposed to be doing.
Well… I woke up in a good mood this morning, but that quickly went to absolute shit.
First, I get guilt trips for visiting my aunt that I haven’t seen in three years, because I didn’t let anyone know I would be there. I didn’t even know I was going to be there until five minutes before my dad pulled into her driveway.
Second, I started a private group on Facebook so MOH and I could organise my bachelorette spa day. I posted yesterday asking when would be a good day for everyone. Not one single person had replied. It had been seen by both Finn’s mom and SIL, but neither replied.
I thought they wanted to be involved?
Oh wait, that’s right, they only want to be involved when my family isn’t.
I’m done. So. Fucking. Done.
The only thing I can remotely come up with is that it’s a jealousy thing.I told her when we first got engaged that I wanted a girl’s day with her and Finn’s sister. I guess she’s upset I’m trying to include both sides. It’s all well and good when it’s just her family, but she doesn’t want to be involved when my family is included.
I’ll give it a couple weeks, and if no one responds, cancel it due to “lack of interest”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find a rock to curl up under so I can cry my eyes out in peace.