Category Archives: Personality disorders

Friday Confessions 8/4/17

It’s been a long time since I’ve done a Friday Confessions post, and it’s very much overdue. 

I’m fucking terrified. 

The wedding nightmares have begun. They’re stupid little things, but enough to get under my skin…

  1. My Bat Shit Crazy sister showing up and ruining everything. 
  2. My Bat Shit Crazy sister showing up and convincing Finn to call it all off 
  3. Being left at the alter 
  4. Murphy’s Law (anything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong)
  5. Families not getting along 
  6. Uninvited guests 
  7. Kids being holy terrors, and the parents doing nothing about it

Sooo, yeah. Not only does wedding anxiety plague me during the day, it’s invading my dreams as well. 

Monday Bitchfest 7/31

What a fucking weekend…

Plans canceled last minute, a surprise visit from my uncle, a random friend request from my XH… 

I’d had plans with my father to take Z top an annual event I hadn’t been too since 2001. We’ve had these plans since March. To the point of rearranging Z’s visitation with his father so we could make it to said event…

 He canceled last minute. And since Finn had to work, Z and I had no other way to make it there. Only to find out when I called my dad to let him know my uncle was pulling into my neighborhood he went to said event without me or Z. I was heartbroken. I haven’t let Z know. 

The reason for my uncle’s visit? He left his wife. Some shit has been going on behind the scenes. The biggest one is that a paternity test proved that his 13 year old daughter isn’t his. On top of that, his wife of 20 years caused him too lose his SSI, takes their car to haul their neighbours to and from the store and appointments, causing him to miss his own appointments. Doctors, therapists, psychologists. We have a trifecta of abuse: medical neglect, emotional abuse, AND psychological abuse. My uncle is diagnosed bipolar, and she’s preventing him from getting his necessary medications for it. 

While my uncle was here, I get a phone call from FMIL (future mother-in-law, Finn’s mom) to cancel the cookout we’d been invited to yesterday. 

Why? Because they suddenly had to tear up their carpet to install hardwood floors. There wouldn’t be enough room for everyone. Oh, but of course,  they wanted Finn there to help. 

I. Lost. It. It felt as though Z and I were unwanted and unwelcome. As I’ve told Finn, little things add up. They constantly cancel last minute, or refuse to come to any event we have at our place. 

Finn didn’t go yesterday. He tried calling both his mom & dad, but neither answered. He didn’t leave a message for either. 

I had an emotional breakdown yesterday. After Saturday’s events, I told Finn I was feeling unwanted and rejected by both sets of parents. I was already emotionally on edge, so it caused an argument. He said I was making a mountain out of a mole hill. I told him little things add up. 

I was trying to calm myself, so I started playing with my hair. When I looked in the mirror, I saw my mom’s face. I look just like my mom. I’ve already been missing her and thinking of her daily, so add in the extra emotional stuff from Saturday, plus the anniversary of her passing coming up quick, and it was just a disaster waiting to happen. 

Family Dysfuntion

Necessary Background:

 

I’m the youngest  of six kids. I’m the product of my mom’s thirdn marriage, my father’s second. I’m the only child they had together. My mom had two sons by her first husband, and two daughters by her second. My father had a son by his first wife. My mom passed away several years ago. My father has since remarried.

 

Got that? Good. Cause it’s about to get even more complicated.

 

My youngest sister (YS) has a few undiagnosed mental issues (Definitely a Cluster B disorder). For as long as I can remember, she has to make everything about herself. She has a victim complex. If she feels like someone else is getting attention she believes she deserves, she’ll pick a fight with her chosen victim (usually me or my dad, her step-father). Due to this, she started a fight with my step-mother, causing my whole family to stop talking  to each other for YEARS. My father didn’t speak to me for almost three years, because he believed YS’s lies. We’ve since repaired the relationship. I’m now back in contact with everyone. Except her.

 

A few years back, my father brought me two boxes of family photos, along with my mother’s urn. The only things she didn’t steal when someone let her in my dad’s house. I didn’t ask for any of it. But when my sister found out, she blew a gasket.

 

Keep in mind, we hadn’t spoken in at least 4 years at that point. I was working on my spine. About two years ago, she re-added me on Facebook, I approved because I’m an idiot, thinking maybe she’d changed. Nope. Within a week, she was harassing me about “when we could go through the pictures,” I gave her times and dates of when I’d be available, but none of them were ever good enough. I eventually just went through the pictures and dropped the ones she specifically mentioned to her husband.

 

Ohhhh, no. That still wasn’t good enough. She wanted me to drop what I was doing and go to her house to show them to her. (Side step for a minute: My sister is the very embodiment of the ‘Crazy Cat Lady’. She has several cats that refuse to use the litter box, so her whole house has essentially become a litter box. On top of that, she’s also a boarder-line hoarder. It was God-awful the last time I was there in 2009, and I’m told it’s only gotten worse in the past almost eight years. So, how about no? I have zero desire to step foot into that bio-hazard.) After a day or two, she went quite on the subject. So I had assumed it was over.

 

I did mention I’m an idiot, didn’t I?

 

Things were quiet, for almost a year and a half (I’ll tell the Thanksgiving story in another post. Maybe), until I announced my engagement to my fiance last week.

 

I really, really should have seen it coming. (Told you, I’m an idiot.)

 

She started in on it within hours of finding out. Texting Older Sister (OS). Trying to find information on my dad. OS swears she gray-rocked her. But someone gave YS my dad’s phone number. And she harassed him while he was at work. I was shown the texts, and while they look innocent enough to an outsider, they were full of a Narc’s attempt at hoovering. My dad didn’t fall for it (Smart man.), and when that didn’t work, she took it to Facebook. Where I ignored it. Even when she commented directly on my posts.

 

I FINALLY grey-rocked the hell outta her. Even when she commented on a post someone else posted on my page. The only reaction that got out of me was to delete it, because it brought my son into it (that’s another issue entirely. His father is alienating me. Changes his number at least every other month, and doesn’t tell my son, so it looks like I’m not trying to contact him. It’s heartbreaking. And her comment pretty much ruined my mother’s day.) Immediately after she posted it, she blocked me. I guess she thought I wouldn’t be able to see it? Or wouldn’t be able to delete the comment, since it wasn’t on my original post? Either way, I was able to do both.

 

I have also blocked all of her known accounts (Up to 5 now. WTF??), just in case she decides to unblock me to start more shit.

 

 

 

In a bad, bad place… 

(This is going to be a huge vent fest,  probably full of foul language. You have been warned) 

Fuck you, anxiety! Fuck you, depression! And fuck you PTSD! 

Yeah… I’m not handling the depression as well as I should be, or as well as I have in the past. My anxiety has me on fucking edge. At the worst possible fucking time. Between The Bitch due to show tomorrow, and having minimal time with Finn, due to necessary home repairs, I’m questioning everything. 

Every. Fucking. Thing.

Why’s he pulling away from me? 

Does he still love me? 

Did he ever love me? 

Is he breaking up with me? 

So yeah, it’s pretty fucking loud in my head right now. I’m an emotional fucking basketcase, struggling to make it through this depression. 

Even fucking worse? I have myself convinced that he doesn’t want to hear it, so I’m bottling A LOT of this up, only telling him bits and pieces. 

The logical part of me knows it’s the anxiety and depression talking, so there’s that. 

Here I am, sitting on the couch across from him, and he has no clue how bad things in my head really are right now. While I keep looking at him out of the corner of my eye, wondering why in the fuck I even deserve this amazing creature to love me enough to deal with my brand of crazy. 

God, I love that man but he deserves so much better than an emotionally damaged basket case. 


Ending 2016

I’m sooo fucking happy there’s less than 12 hours left of this year. 

It’s been one struggle after another, after another. 

My anxiety/depression has been horrible the past few weeks. When I was dealing with an ear infection (that the doctor described as severe), that I was to hardheaded to see a doctor about for two weeks, I was pretty much nonfunctional. I had to force myself to do anything but hug a mug of hot tea and the heater. I got really behind on housework, and I’m still in catch up mode. The mess effects my anxiety/depression which in turn makes me not want to deal with it. At all. 

I need to pull my head outta my ass (my father’s phrasing), and get on it. But I need help. The last time I went into a cleaning spree, I had the living room done. And two days later, Finn had his force  field back up. Yeah… It’s frustrating. 

Today… Today, I’m an emotional basket case, and I just wanna talk to Finn about it, but currently can’t, because he and his father are working on some home improvement stuff that’s been planned for a week. There’s nothing I can really do to help them, other than to stay out of their way, which leaves me feeling pretty damn worthless/useless. I wanna go curl up in a ball, but again that’ll just make me feel worse. 

Rock/hard place. 

December has been Murphy’s Law around this place. All sorts of plumbing problems. From backups, to frozen pipes that burst. It’s been a rough month, to end a rough year. 

Eight Months

Wow, it’s hard to believe that today marks eight months since Scott and I shared our first kiss.

We’re doing a lot better. I’m not as anxious (but I doubt the anxiety will ever fully leave), and he’s no longer being distant. I’m feeling a lot better about things. Now, finding a job is my primary concern. Once I’m working, I know things will be a lot better.

Yesterday was weird, I felt sort of an internal happiness. I had a smile on my face the whole way to H’s house to pick up Z. I felt like I was glowing from the inside out. It was an amazing feeling.

Scott’s in my heart, in my soul. He’s a part of me. His love for me is obvious in his eyes. When he speaks to me, his voice goes gentler. He has a deep voice that goes soft when he tells me he loves me. On my emotional days, this makes me tear up, because I can feel how deep his love runs. It makes me feel like I’m floating on air.

An Anxiety Attack…

No, I haven’t had one, but I’m putting this out there to show what it’s like for someone on the inside. It’s not the same for everyone. This is what it’s like for ME.

Think back to the most scared you’ve ever been. Like, life threatening situation scared.

Your heart races. Your breath is shallow and quick, to the point you feel like you’re going to pass out. Your hands tremble. You can barely speak, your voice is so shaky.

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That’s what it feels like for me. It’s terrifying to go through. If I’m lucky, the attack lasts less than five minutes. But, I can still be jittery and scared for hours afterwards. Sometimes, even until the next day.

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During the attack, and until I’ve fully recovered, I need to feel safe. That’s my only thought: safety.

Currently, “safety” to me, means one of two things: I have to be within touching distance of Scott (arm’s length), or in my bedroom. Safety. Otherwise, I feel exposed and vulnerable. Not safe.

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I have good days and bad days.

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30 day blog challenge, day 6

Pet Peeves

So many…

People who chew with their mouth open.

Harping on me about smoking, and using my mother’s death as an excuse.

People touching me when I’ve asked them not to.

Pushing your opinion on me.

Telling me how to raise my kids.

Telling me I’m wrong about a subject that I’ve researched extensively.

Telling me to smile. Sorry, I have resting bitch face.

People telling me to “get over it” when I’m having a bad anxiety day. Do you really think I want to feel like this?

People who expect me to change.  Sorry, I can’t turn my personality disorders “off.” It doesn’t work that way.

People who wear too much perfume/cologne. You shouldn’t be able to taste it in the air.

Body shaming, of any sort. We didn’t come from a cookie cutter.

People who think they’re better than everyone else.

People who think they’re smarter than everyone around them.

People taking phone calls in the middle of important conversations.

Bad grammar/spelling. Is it really that hard to use spell check?

Text speak. Especially in normal conversation.

People who are materialistic. There are more important things in life.

When I have to explain that depression isn’t always caused by an event, but that it’s a chemical imbalance.

People who say one thing, but then do another.

Liars, cheaters, and thieves.

30 day blog challenge, day 5

FEARS

This was one of the topics that I was dreading. By admitting your fears, you open yourself up to vulnerability.

Most of my fears stem from my anxiety disorder. For the most part, I realize they’re illogical. Fear of rejection, fear of losing Scott, and fear of public places are just a few.

30 day blog challenge day one

Today’s topic is

20 Facts About Me

1. I have green eyes. Less than 2% of the world’s population has green eyes.

2. I’ve been dying my hair since I was 15. No one is 100% sure what my natural hair color is anymore.

3. I suffer from insomnia because I can’t stop going over every mistake I’ve ever made.

4. I have three tattoos.

5. I was born on my late uncle’s birthday.

6. I have no living grandparents.

7. I like weird socks, and they almost never match.

8. I’m a Sagittarius. ♐

9. I’ve broken my tail bone twice. The first time was from falling into a steel-toe boot, the second was falling down a fight of stairs.

10. I lost an inch in height from a compression fracture in my lower back.

11. I’m accident prone.

12. I have a birthmark on my right calf in the shape of a capital “T”

13. I’m allergic to most scents.

14. I prefer to wear heels over flats.

15. Scott and I’s anniversary (our first kiss) was the 13th anniversary of my high school graduation.

16. The first thing I carried out of the house when I moved in with Scott was my mother’s urn.

17. I secretly hope Scott and I will get married someday, even though I am vocally very much against it. Time will tell.

18. I often feel worthless, hopeless, unwanted, and undeserving. I’m trying to work through the negativity.

19. I can’t eat when I’m upset or anxious. That’s how I drop weight so quickly.

20. I’m going out with Scott again tonight. ☺😍