Category Archives: Relationships

Fourteen Weeks!

It’s been a hectic few weeks. I was referred to a high risk OB because of my age. Ultrasound and blood work put me at low risk of any genetic birth defects, and I go back in a couple weeks for a redraw. 

GeneSplice is surprisingly active. I’m not feeling full on movement just yet but friendly definitely feeling flutters. GeneSplice seems to like to curl up in the upper right side of my uterus. A couple weeks ago, I felt the tell-tell pressure, and when I looked, there was a very obvious bump on that side of my abdomen. I showed Finn, because I’d been trying to explain it to him for a few days. 

During my ultrasound on 12w5d, Baby was extremely active. Sticking their tongue out, covering their face, even at one point doing what I called a “frog kick” (kicking both legs at the same time). 

Ultrasounds these days are A LOT more detailed than when I was pregnant with my boys. We got to see all ten fingers, all ten toes, lobes of the brain, ect. The only thing we didn’t get to see was gender. But at 12w5d, that particular part of Baby’s anatomy isn’t developed enough to see. 

Because it’s us, of fucking course, there has to be a dark cloud on our excitement; Finn’s brother and sister-in-law started trying to conceive when they found out we were trying. So guess who’s pissed off and jealous because we got pregnant “so quick” (notsomuch, we were actually on the cycle most doctors recommend to start testing). Within three months of trying, Finn’s brother thinks he’s sterile because it hasn’t happened for them yet. Well, ok then. Trying to explain to these people that out can take UP TO A YEAR for a healthy couple to conceive is like pulling teeth. Nevermind trying to explain that you only have about a 20% chance each cycle. 

I’m dreading Easter, because after the way Finn’s sister-in-law looked at me during wedding planning, it’ll probably be ten times worse as my bump expands. I’m already noticeably pregnant, even to strangers, so there’s no “sucking it in” when I’ll be 16 weeks (four months).

I’ll **try** to start posting weekly updates. 

No promises. 

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… And So It Begins…

Ugh. I popped the egg 10 days ago (translation: I’m 10 Days Post Ovulation, or 10DPO), and I’m symptom spotting. Every little thing, I’m thinking “omg, I’m ___ that’s a symptom of pregnancy,” then my rational brain takes over and says “yeah, but it’s also a PMS symptom, quit freaking out, you’re not pregnant.” 😂😂😂

TTC is one helluva mind fuck. I know getting pregnant at my age, and with my history,  is a long shot. It’s gonna be one helluva ride. Thank goodness Finn is so amazing about it all. I told him from day one, there’s a minimal chance I’d ever be able to make him a father. It is what it is.

Even if I’m not 100% sure if it was me or XH, the inability to get pregnant with XH is still a part of my medical history. Only time will tell at this point. 

Feeling Hopeful…

Finn and I are on cycle #4 of TTC (trying to conceive). I’ve been charting since I went off BCPs in May. But seriously half-assing it. This cycle, I’ve been on the ball. Temping, using ovulation tests, the whole 9.

When I input my temp this morning, I got my crosshairs. I popped the egg lb Thanksgiving. 

We hit 3 out of 4 fertile days this cycle, so I’m really optimistic.

Fingers crossed that this is our cycle. 

We Didn’t Go…

Murphy’s Law (anything that can go wrong, does go wrong) hit around here yesterday. I woke up to a text from OS, after having not spoken to her since late August. I didn’t reply. I didn’t, and still don’t want or need to deal with the stress she brings.  Z woke up with a stomach bug that was trying to vacate from both ends, meanwhile our plumbing was backing up. 

Since MIL had surgery in late September, her immune system has been down. If she gets so much as the common cold, she could be hospitalized.

Well, a sick kid was my out. 

Finn didn’t want to leave us home alone, with Z being sick on top of the plumbing problems, so that was his out. He spent the day under the trailer cutting roots (a root system in the line is what caused the backup) and repairing lines. 

It was not a pleasant day for any of us. 

In other news, my birthday is now nineteen days away, and I’m still taking bets on whether or not my family acknowledges it at all. 

It’s Loud Inside My Head

The past few weeks, my mind’s been going non-stop. I rarely get a break from it all. Sleep is a blissful respite from it all. That is, when sleep finds me. 

Holidays are hard for me. Have been since my mom passed away. This year’s holiday season is already hard on me. My 35th birthday, the one I’ve been dreading for years, is about to hit me in the face. Advanced Maternal Age. Middle Age. I’m getting old. 

Then, there’s TTC. I know, I know. We haven’t been trying that long, but I’m already over it. After trying over two years with my XH and no success, the experience left me feeling defeated. And now, each month having The Bitch show up rather than a positive pregnancy test is harder than I thought it would be. 

Finn’s been amazing with it. He’s in the camp of “if it happens, it happens”, but it’s not a deal breaker if it doesn’t. I just hope he’ll back me if I want to pull the plug for a month or two. 

I went out and bought some ovulation tests today, and I’m regretting sending spending that money already. But I also know they’ll help me keep at least part of my sanity, since I’ve been half-assing my charting the past few cycles. 

Ugh. 

No more unnecessary purchases, Tamma. Get with the program. Phone, tobacco, that’s it. 

On another note, Finn’s mom has called/texted both of us, but has yet to mention anything about Thanksgiving. Finn and I have agreed to plan on having our own dinner here: chicken, mashed potatoes, stuffing, etc… We agreed that if they asked about it, we’d consider it. However, if they call day of, it’ll be “too little, too late.” Especially after we were told to call first the last time we’d popped in. 

Hypocrite, much?

Facebook Snoops…

Have you ever had people you have nothing in common with show up on your “People You May Know” list on Facebook? No mutual friends, not in any of the same groups. 

There have been two people showing up on this list for me repetitively for the past year or so. My ex husband’s mother and brother. I’ve never been friends with either profile. They’re both new. Created AFTER I left XH. Until they showed up under “People You May Know,” I had ZERO idea that either one of these profiles existed. The one from ExMIL was her fourth, that I’m aware of. She blocked me on her other three when I left XH. 

The first time it happened, I didn’t think anything of it. Facebook’s funny sometimes. 

But, then… they’d disappear for a few weeks, then randomly show up again. This has been ongoing for MONTHS. 

It got my attention, and had me curious as to why Facebook thought I may know these two people. I’d long since unfriended XH, and neither profile was connected to his in anyway before I unfriended him. 

Sooo… I posed the question to Google. Facebook won’t reveal their algorithms for this particular feature, but there were a LOT of posts on message boards on the topic. 

General consensus?

People who show up on your list of “People You May Know” are profiles that visit your page. 

Excuse me? What?

If this is true, my ex-husband’s mother and brother visit my profile on a regular basis. Enough that Facebook picks up on it. 

That is disturbing. 

What are they looking for? My privacy settings are as strict as Facebook will allow. 

I have three things visible to the public:

  1. My profile picture (Finn’s and my kiss during our wedding ceremony)
  2. My cover photo (our wedding party during the ceremony) 
  3. And my relationship status (married to Finn 

There’s nothing they can learn from my public profile. 

I’ve began to take screenshots every time they show up, so to have proof of this. 

But, for now, I’m keeping a watch out. 

But, seriously? Should I give them a show? The petty part of me really wants to. 

So Not Ready…

Sooo…

Finn and I are Trying To Conceive (TTC). I’ve been off birth control since May. I’m on unmedicated cycle 6. No big deal, since we weren’t actively “trying” until my August cycle. So, we’re on cycle 3 of actively trying. 

I’m not holding out too much hope, however. Because we have a few things stacked against us…

My XH and I tried for over three years, and in that time, I had two very, very early miscarriages. Not sure if it was XH or me, but it’s on my mind. Finn had a bilateral hernia in his groin a few years before we met, and they used mesh to patch it. There’s a minute chance that can cause sterility in men. Also… My age. I turn 35 in 47 days. Advanced Maternal Age. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible for me to get pregnant, only harder. And if Finn does manage to knock me up, I’ll be considered high risk. 

Fun. 

I’m attempting (and struggling) to take it day-by-day, cycle-by-cycle, but it’s hard when Finn’s mother decided to make it a competition between us and BIL&SIL over who can get pregnant first. She actually said those words… “Now it’s a competition to see who gets pregnant first” right in front of SIL and me. 

This is my life now. MIL trying to turn everything into a competition between us and BIL&SIL. And I’m not having it. We don’t want to conceive a child because that’s what MIL wants. We want to conceive a child because that’s what WE want. 

While we ARE trying, we’re of the opinion of “If it happens, it happens” because we KNOW what’s stacked against us. 

Belated Blogaversity

Last week, this blog hit it’s third birthday. It’s been my outlet through the separation and divorce from XH, the relationship with Scott, his cancer diagnosis, the subsequent breakup, meeting Finn, and has chronicled our entire relationship, from the first meeting, to the engagement and wedding planning, and now our marriage. 

A lot can change in three years. 

When I first started this blog, it was meant to be an outlet for my thoughts throughout everything I was dealing with. Even if it was never publicly posted, it was still chronicled in private posts that were never meant to be seen by the public eye. I never expected to have one follower, let alone the 180+ I have. Small number, yes, however, none of my followers know me personally.

While friends and family are aware of this blog’s existence, I’ve never given them the web address. No one’s asked for it, as they know it’s my outlet, and respect my right for anonymity online. 

I will forever be grateful that this blog helped me rise from the ashes of my last marriage. 

Wedding Drama…

After the ceremony, we were all standing on the church’s porch. I was hoping to get a few pictures since Finn’s parents weren’t going to make it to the reception (his mom recently had abdominal surgery, and couldn’t handle the steps). After a few minutes, I’d walked back into the church to see where they were. As I was walking in the front door, his mom was walking out the side door. So, I went back outside and around the side of the church. By the time I’d gotten to their vehicle, she was already in the process of putting her seatbelt on. 


The drama didn’t appear until the day after. MIL is upset because no one got any pictures of her. By the time she’d questioned me about it, only two sets of pictures had been posted. One set was from my cousin, who was downstairs with me when MIL and FIL walked in. The other set had been sent to me by Finn’s sister, her daughter. 

There are no pictures of Finn’s parents from the wedding, and I don’t know what to do. On one hand, I’m feeling supremely guilty because of it, but on the other hand, I had zero control over it. No one had warned our friend who was taking pictures that they were starting, so the camera wasn’t booted up before they sat down. He didn’t even get a picture of Finn walking with the pastor. 

I refuse to take full blame for this. I was the bride, Finn was the groom, so we were otherwise busy at that point. I wasn’t even upstairs. 

As of now, it appears that MIL is protesting by not commenting/liking/reacting in ANY WAY to any of the posts or pictures posted on Facebook. Even before she noticed there hadn’t been any pictures of her posted. 

And, honestly, it makes me feel like absolute shit. She’s commenting/liking/reacting to pictures her other DIL has posted from the wedding (none of us, of course, just selfies of them).

So, now, our wedding day has this dark cloud over it, and after everything else she’s said and done, I feel like an unwanted addition to their family. And it breaks my heart. 

In addition to the picture fiasco, I was told that Finn’s grandmother commented on my recent weight loss. Now, it wasn’t a crash diet or anything like that. It wasn’t even intentional at all. I stopped drinking soda. I haven’t had more than a sip since April. Going from drinking 5-6 sodas a day to none, I dropped nearly 1,000 calories a day. It didn’t even occur to me that I should have compensated for the sudden drop. Whoops. However, the only place I lost weight was in my abdomin, so other than losing inches in my waist, my measurements are the same. My hourglass figure is back. 

When he told me what had been said, my heart dropped. I was finally, finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin again. He told her that I’d stopped drinking soda. It was also abundantly clear that it’s in my genes. She was surrounded by my family, and not one of us is “big.” We’re all thin. It’s in our blood. It pisses me off when bigger people think that everyone is supposed to be big. As if thinness is somehow an illness. I’m still well within a healthy BMI for my height, and that should be all that matters. My weight should be between me, my doctor, and my husband. 

I still can’t believe I was skinny shamed on my wedding day. 


Married ❤

 Finally getting around to posting this, since Finn goes back to work today. 

Saturday was an amazing, but crazy day. I woke up a little before 0400,and there was NO WAY I was getting back too sleep. I was too excited and nervous. So, I ended up making my Mom’s goulash recipe for the reception. 

There were a few hiccups along the way, but no one else saw or noticed. Finn and I had to backtrack because we forgot something at the house, my dad showed up two hours early while I was getting my hair done (which turned out better than I ever would have expected), and a few other very minor things that none of our guests noticed. 

In true Tamma fashion, I tripped over my dress as I was walking down the aisle. I joked at the reception that it wouldn’t really be our wedding if that hadn’t happened. I cried through my vows. In pictures, it looks like Finn was on the verge.