Category Archives: Scott

Belated Blogaversity

Last week, this blog hit it’s third birthday. It’s been my outlet through the separation and divorce from XH, the relationship with Scott, his cancer diagnosis, the subsequent breakup, meeting Finn, and has chronicled our entire relationship, from the first meeting, to the engagement and wedding planning, and now our marriage. 

A lot can change in three years. 

When I first started this blog, it was meant to be an outlet for my thoughts throughout everything I was dealing with. Even if it was never publicly posted, it was still chronicled in private posts that were never meant to be seen by the public eye. I never expected to have one follower, let alone the 180+ I have. Small number, yes, however, none of my followers know me personally.

While friends and family are aware of this blog’s existence, I’ve never given them the web address. No one’s asked for it, as they know it’s my outlet, and respect my right for anonymity online. 

I will forever be grateful that this blog helped me rise from the ashes of my last marriage. 

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A Wedding, and a Funeral

Back story (because I apparently forgot to make a post about this craziness):

I received a phone call from Finn’s mom last week, asking how much it costs to file for divorce ($170 to file, plus have them served).
Why did she want to know?
So she could pay for my divorce.
Great! Awesome!
Wait for it…
Finn’s brother is getting married later this month, and Finn’s mom is upset that we aren’t because we’ve “been together longer”.

Between that, and yesterday’s guilt trip, I’m not looking forward to the “family day” they have planned on the 22nd. I didn’t find out until after we’d agreed to that date that they’re also planning a reception for Finn’s brother and his wife after their courthouse wedding the day before.

I’m also kicking myself in the ass, because when we were given dates to choose from, it had completely slipped my mind that the 22nd is also the day of Scott’s celebration of life.

There’s no fucking way I’m missing it. Scott changed my life. He helped me break out of financially abusive marriage. He helped me break out of my shell. To take up for myself.

Finn’s mom was never supportive of Scott and I remaining friends. She told me things that were supposedly said by another of his exes (that he was lying about the cancer, that he never actually loved me, basically a bunch of bullshit).

I know she’s going to throw a fit when we have to duck out of the “reception” early to take the kidlets to my dad so we can go to the celebration of life (it’s at the bar Scott and I met at, the bar he used to bartend at).

Help?

Yesterday…

…was unexpectedly very spiritual for me.

First, I found a red and gray cardinal down feather on my front porch that hadn’t been there five minutes before. Then, while at the fair, watching monster trucks, I had a cicada land in my hair.

Yes, in.my.hair.

If you remember from this post, cicadas mean a LOT to me.

Between the feather and the cicada, it seems like someone from the spiritual world was trying to contact me. The cardinal usually symbolizes a loved one, and, for me, the cicada has always represented my grandfather.

I’m wishing it was Scott, but I truly just don’t know yet.

Feelings…

When Scott ended things because of his cancer diagnosis, it broke me. It shattered me. He had his reasons, and I understood and respected them. But it wasn’t until I received the call that I fully grasped it.

As much as it hurt then… what would it have been like had he not ended it? I’d be broken beyond repair. I wouldn’t have Finn.

In meeting Finn, and starting the relationship with him,  I gave Scott exactly what he needed and wanted from me. The knowledge that I was happy, and was going to be OK.

He truly changed my life. I wouldn’t be where I am today had I never met him. I probably would have never met Finn, and would probably still be in the god-awful marriage to STBXH.  Scott rescued me, when I didn’t have the funds to save myself. He taught me I deserve respect. Something he said to me on our first “date” still sticks with me…  “You’re not broken, they didn’t deserve you.” One sentence, seven words, ten syllables, changed my entire life.

Scott,
I hope you see how much you meant to me. I still carry you in my heart. I’ll always love you. Now – can you do me a favor and give me some sort of sign that you’re OK, and are still gonna send your guidance from the afterlife? I’ve been waiting – not so patiently.

~Tam

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The Post I Never Wanted to Write…

Scott passed away this morning. I got the call around noon. He’d passed only an hour earlier.

I need to vent somewhere.

I want to scream, I want to yell, but mostly, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. He was an amazing friend to me, and I wouldn’t be where I am in life if I’d never met him.

Fuck cancer. Fuck August.

He’ll forever be in my heart. I’ll never not love him.

I’m still waiting for it to all sink in.

It’s Always August…

I fucking hate August!

This past weekend, a friend mine and Finn’s was killed when hit by a car in a hit and run. Witnesses say he flew 100+ feet. Yesterday, the suspect turned herself in. She’s claiming she thought she’d hit a deer. We’re hoping justice will be served to the fullest extent of the law.

On another note,  Scott is in Hospice inpatient care. The doctors aren’t giving a timeline, but are saying it’ll be soon.

Fuck August.

Tomorrow marks seven years since my mom passed away, and yesterday was seven years since the last time I’d seen her alive.

September needs to hurry the fuck up.

Productive Day

Phone calls, text messages, and even running down the street (yes, I literally ran) to catch any lead I can on a place to rent ASAP.

We have four days until Finn’s uncle will be here. There’s no way in hell we’ll have a place by then, and be moved in. But I’m hoping we have a place before Z gets back from his father’s on August 7th. Two and a half weeks from now. I don’t want to have to subject my son to that man.

The man I spoke with today told me to let him know if we don’t find anything in a week or two. He said he’s got one place empty that needs work, and that there’s a woman that’s been hounding him about it. I hope he helps us. He’s known Finn’s family for years, and Finn’s younger brother thinks of him as a grandfather.

I texted my aunt to see if her landlord had anything available. I even messaged Scott for information. But I still feel like I didn’t do enough.

I feel like I accomplished a lot today, but still nothing at all. I guess the only thing I actually did accomplish is calling in to get my birth control refilled. Cause we don’t need a surprise popping up on us in the middle of all this.

Ugh…  is it 0200 yet, I need me some Finn cuddles.

Ten Months Ago…

Ten months ago today was one of the worst days of my life. Just four days before, Scott had broken up with me. I’d spent the previous night with my older son’s father as a “trial run” to see if we could live together again. That proved to be a huge “NO” when he couldn’t stand for me to have friends or a social life.

There I was, terrified, depressed, and wanting to be somewhere familiar with friends. The friends part happened but not the somewhere familiar. My friends drug me to a bar I had never been to. I was out of my comfort zone and freaking out.

Turns out, that bar was the exact thing I needed to be that night. Well… the bar, plus liquid courage provided by the DJ.

Ten months ago today is the day Finn walked into my life.

Yes, I was D.R.U.N.K the night I met Finn. He actually had to help me retrieve memories from that night. From my “not purple” thong, to him grabbing my ass and me asking him to do it again.

He’s broken through all of my anxieties, and weaseled his way right into my heart. From the very first hug.

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That hug was, and still remains, my most vivid memory from that night. A hug, but not a kiss. Our first kiss was reserved for our first date, two weeks later.

He’s everything I was always told I never deserved. Everything I never thought I was good enough to even ask for. Most days, the thought still crosses my mind that I’m not good enough for him, and trying to figure out how to be good enough for him.

Saying Goodbye…

Saturday was Scott’s going away party, and it was bittersweet, to say the least.

There were tears, smiling, and plenty of booze. I’m not sure if or when I’ll see him again. He’s going out west, to be near his parents and a warmer climate.

I know it’s against my rules, but this is the last picture…

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Finn was there with me to provide emotional support, and once again proving just how amazing he is. A lot of people commented on it as well.

Quiet thoughts

Six months.

It’s been just over six months since Scott’s diagnosis. Six months since my world came crashing down around me.

It was six months ago Friday that Finn walked into my life. I was coming off one of the worst weeks of my life (short of my mom’s passing). He’s been my sounding board since the night we met.  He’s amazing to me.

As I watch him and Z together, I’m simply amazed. I love how they interact. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Z have this kind of interaction with anyone else (including his father, from what I’ve seen). He constantly puts Z first, before anything else.

He told me months ago, it’s not just him, it’s not just the two of us, everything has to be in line with the three of us. He doesn’t seem to see Z as a burden, but more of a bonus.

Everyone says I’m good for Finn. That he’s so much happier now that I’m in his life. But they don’t see what I see. He’s too good for me. Everyday, I strive to be better for Z and Finn. These two make me happier than words alone can convey.