Category Archives: Thoughtful Thursday
Random ass thoughts hitting me today.
This morning, while making my first of many cups of coffee, I looked around my kitchen and thought to myself ‘wow, this is MY house. My house my rules’ and then quickly went into WTF mode.
I’ve literally NEVER had my own house. It was always the house of whomever I lived with. Always had to be decor they wanted (with the exception of Scott, but that house was a reflection of him and I loved it). With STBXH, everything had to be just so, and presentable to the public, because, well… It was a public tourist attraction.
I’m still working on decoration ideas to make this our home. Me, Z, and Finn. This is our home. Together.
I’m not entirely sure what’s gotten into me lately…
I’ve been in an amazing mood, but in bitch mode at the same time. I’m just waiting for someone to set me off, so I can explode on them. (Preferably, one of two people.) I think I broke my filter, and I’m enjoying every minute of it.
My give a damn’s busted, but my I don’t give a fuck is still fully functional.
Bahaha. Things shifted for me Monday. I was talking to one of my friends about everything going on. How I’m losing friends left & right (seriously, I’m going to end up being my own bridesmaid at this rate). And something just clicked.
I don’t need these people in my life. I decided to purge my friends, because I don’t want to be around druggies, sociopaths, or violence anymore. I deserve better than that.
Although, the girl I posted about the other day? I’m keeping her on my friends list. I found out something about her fiancé that I’m not sure she knows about. Something that will make it impossible for her to get her kids back. In 2012, he stabbed his stepfather in the head with a steak knife. That man will never be welcome in my home.
It’s been awhile since I’ve posted “Thoughtful Thursday” and since Scott’s away most of the day for a Dr’s appointment, I figured today would be a good day to release some thoughts.
With the recent craziness, I’ve barely been posting on Facebook. Up until yesterday, my last post was about my brother’s stroke.
I’m not into the whole “poor, poor me” routine people like to do on Facebook. If it’s not positive, funny, or relevant, I don’t post it. So, I’ve been relatively quiet on Facebook, other than the autoposts from Pinterest, which are usually nail art, Potter Head, or Sagittarius related.
So yesterday, when I actually posted, I wasn’t expecting 100+ notifications within two hours. People commenting on the post, tagging me in posts, people posting on my timeline, messages, and the dreaded game requests. It was overwhelming. I barely kept up with it all.
I smiled and laughed more yesterday than I had all month. It was much needed.
Scott just got back from the doctor, so I’ll post later about his appointment.
I know, I know, I’ve been slacking with posting. I’ve been seriously distracted the past couple of weeks. Not by anything in particular, just reading a lot, and trying to figure out Christmas presents.
My insomnia has been keeping me up until two or three in the morning. I’ll go to bed around midnight and the most random thoughts will keep me awake for a few more hours. Tattoos, piercings, Scott, wondering if we’ll ever get married, his arms around me. As soon as I climb into bed, he rolls over and pulls me into him. He’ll be completely out, but still do this. It feels almost instinctual at this point.
It’s been a bad day. A really bad day, that started around 10:30 last night. One of my “best friends” posted some foul shit about another friend. And doesn’t understand why everyone’s pissed off at her. This is the same “best friend” that tried to force me to chose between her and a friend I’ve had for 16 years.
There were a lot of exchanges between me and her, Scott and her, E and her, basically, all of us, separately. It was straight up ridiculous. She even accused Scott of not “allowing” me to respond to her. Excuse me? It ended with all of us unfriending her, and her blocking us. She’s a real peach.
Yeah.. over it.
Today’s a good day so far. I can’t stop smiling. It’s automatic. I don’t even know why. I feel so free today.
Relief, maybe. I was the same way yesterday. I spoke with Z’s father Monday night, and for once we’re in agreement. It felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.
True happiness comes from within, it’s not found in the arms of another person. Your happiness shouldn’t depend on another person, they should only heighten it.
No WTF Wednesday yesterday, since most of the day was WTF.
STBXH texted me to ask if I would have Z call him when he got home from school. Ummmm, what??? Sorry, you were his stepfather, not his bio-father. There is no reason or need to continue communication with him. Sorry, not sorry. I ended up blocking his text messages. I wish I could be a fly on the wall when he finds that out. I’m over his lies and attempts at guilt tripping me.
I’m so ready to get this divorce finalized, so we can fully cut ties. It’s not possible to move onto the next chapter of your life if you keep rereading the last one.
I’m using the marriage as a learning experience. What I need to do to keep my current relationship healthy, what I do and do not want and what my deal breakers are.
I guess the biggest thing is that I learned a lot of red flags to watch for, even though I ignored them with STBXH. Another lesson learned: Never ignore red flags. Never. Biggest red flag of all was that he kept me and therefore, our relationship, hidden for over a year. Over. A. Year.
How on Earth was I ever OK with being hidden for over a year?!? I’ll never have an answer for that.
Most random question I’ve asked via Facebook messenger:
“What’s the plural for ‘uterus’?”.
The memory came to me this morning when Z and I were trying to figure out the plural for octopus. Is this a normal conversation to be having with an 8-year-old? I’m not a good judge of this, since he has the same thirst for knowledge that I do. I was once described as a Habitual Learner. Z seems to be the same way.
Because of my thirst for knowledge, I research everything. Everything. Most of it, the more morbid bits of history that most people just want to bury, like it never happened.
Why is it that we stop to remember some events, but not others? We remember D Day, 9/11, and Columbine, but not the Jonestown Massacre? Over 900 people lost their lives on November 18th, 1978, including a U.S. congressman, but it never gets mentioned. Why is that? It was the greatest loss of U.S. civilian life before 9/11, but it’s been swept under the rug, only remembered by the phrase ‘Don’t drink the Kool-Aid’. Where is the respect for those victims?
Oh, and in case you were wondering, the plural of uterus is uteri, and the plural of octopus is octopuses. 😜
I love the quiet stillness of this house once I get Z on the bus and Scott is still asleep. The majority of my chores already completed, I can sip my coffee and relax with my thoughts.
“Life is a chain of events, meant to bring you to the person you’re meant to be” ~ T. M.
Life is funny sometimes. All it takes is a single moment in time to change everything. A simple text message, a chance encounter, a moment of eye contact, followed by a smile. Some of these life-changing-moments are obvious, while some are much more subtle.
The moment that started me on this journey, and ultimately, leading me to Scott didn’t happen in June. It happened way back in April, on one of my excursions to the Historic District. I had originally dedicated that particular day to hiking the trails, but the second I walked off the shuttle bus I knew my plans had changed. It was a Civil War Living History weekend.
Having spent all but one day of the boys’ spring break in the Historic District, I knew the ins&outs of the tiny little town, along with every museum. Because of this, I spent my day speaking with the different reenactors. At one point, I was hanging out with them inside of one of the museums, usually off-limits to tourists. I got to know them, and even struck up a friendship with one of the more local guys. I guess we’ll call him “Captain” since that’s his rank. Soon enough, we started a Facebook friendship and kept in daily contact. The conversations started out innocent enough; history, the Historic District, his classes, and the War.
Then, one day it shifted. It became more flirty, and I’m still not sure who started the shift. Despite our age difference(13 years), the flirtship blossomed. Every time my phone lit up and I saw his name, I smiled. This went on all through May and into June. We texted daily, and saw each other when I’d go to the Historic District.
Our conversations got deeper and deeper, and I began to confide in him. I remember telling him one day how lonely I felt in the house, even when everyone was home. I felt confined within the walls, but free on the trails. There’s a bench on one of the trails that I would always stop at and admire the view.
I was admiring the view, texting Captain, when I received a text from STBXH.
“Are you coming home soon? It’s going to storm“.
After admiring the view for a few more moments, and a couple more texts back and forth between Captain & I, I grudgingly started my way back home. On my walk back, I was determined to get out of the house the next night.
I hopped on Facebook, and posted asking if anyone was interested in a Girl’s Night Out.
It was that Girl’s Night Out that changed everything…