Feeling Hopeful…

Finn and I are on cycle #4 of TTC (trying to conceive). I’ve been charting since I went off BCPs in May. But seriously half-assing it. This cycle, I’ve been on the ball. Temping, using ovulation tests, the whole 9.

When I input my temp this morning, I got my crosshairs. I popped the egg lb Thanksgiving. 

We hit 3 out of 4 fertile days this cycle, so I’m really optimistic.

Fingers crossed that this is our cycle. 


We Didn’t Go…

Murphy’s Law (anything that can go wrong, does go wrong) hit around here yesterday. I woke up to a text from OS, after having not spoken to her since late August. I didn’t reply. I didn’t, and still don’t want or need to deal with the stress she brings.  Z woke up with a stomach bug that was trying to vacate from both ends, meanwhile our plumbing was backing up. 

Since MIL had surgery in late September, her immune system has been down. If she gets so much as the common cold, she could be hospitalized.

Well, a sick kid was my out. 

Finn didn’t want to leave us home alone, with Z being sick on top of the plumbing problems, so that was his out. He spent the day under the trailer cutting roots (a root system in the line is what caused the backup) and repairing lines. 

It was not a pleasant day for any of us. 

In other news, my birthday is now nineteen days away, and I’m still taking bets on whether or not my family acknowledges it at all. 

Just Had An “Aha” Moment…

There’s s reason it hurts me so much to feel like MIL doesn’t like me…

On August 20th, 2009, I lost my mom to a nine-month battle with cancer. I’ve always dreamed to be close to my MIL. Not to replace my own Mom, but to help fill the void. 

My Mom was my best friend. I was her caregiver. I was the one who got the phone call to gather the family. I was there until she took her last breath. 

Holidays have been hard since she passed. She always went all-out. Everyone got presents, stockings, Easter baskets. It just hasn’t been the same. 

Honestly? I don’t really celebrate holidays anymore. That’s why I’m dreading this holiday season. I wanna hurry up and decorate ASAP, while I still have the urge. Otherwise, I’ll lose it altogether. 

Well, It Happened…

 Looks like we’re going to the in-law’s for Thanksgiving…

MIL called yesterday to ask about our Thanksgiving plans. Finn and I agreed that if they asked about it, we’d go. So long as it wasn’t the day of.  I really, really don’t want to, but we’re going. I guess we’ll see how it goes. 

Christmas still depends on how things go Thursday, and whether or not they even recognize my birthday. I will not remind any of them how close my birthday is to Thanksgiving  (20 days this year).

I’ve also been tasked to make sweet potatoes, something I’ve never made and, frankly, don’t like. 

Yay for me? I guess?

It’s Loud Inside My Head

The past few weeks, my mind’s been going non-stop. I rarely get a break from it all. Sleep is a blissful respite from it all. That is, when sleep finds me. 

Holidays are hard for me. Have been since my mom passed away. This year’s holiday season is already hard on me. My 35th birthday, the one I’ve been dreading for years, is about to hit me in the face. Advanced Maternal Age. Middle Age. I’m getting old. 

Then, there’s TTC. I know, I know. We haven’t been trying that long, but I’m already over it. After trying over two years with my XH and no success, the experience left me feeling defeated. And now, each month having The Bitch show up rather than a positive pregnancy test is harder than I thought it would be. 

Finn’s been amazing with it. He’s in the camp of “if it happens, it happens”, but it’s not a deal breaker if it doesn’t. I just hope he’ll back me if I want to pull the plug for a month or two. 

I went out and bought some ovulation tests today, and I’m regretting sending spending that money already. But I also know they’ll help me keep at least part of my sanity, since I’ve been half-assing my charting the past few cycles. 


No more unnecessary purchases, Tamma. Get with the program. Phone, tobacco, that’s it. 

On another note, Finn’s mom has called/texted both of us, but has yet to mention anything about Thanksgiving. Finn and I have agreed to plan on having our own dinner here: chicken, mashed potatoes, stuffing, etc… We agreed that if they asked about it, we’d consider it. However, if they call day of, it’ll be “too little, too late.” Especially after we were told to call first the last time we’d popped in. 

Hypocrite, much?

Still Nothing…

 Eleven  days til Thanksgiving, 31 days til my birthday, and 43 days til Christmas, and we still haven’t heard a single peep about any plans. My dad mentioned going out of state for Christmas, but that’s it. 

I have the feeling Finn’s parents will call either Thanksgiving Day or the day before to invite us over. And, to be honest, I’m still up in the air about it. Do I really want to feel like an outcast on Thanksgiving? I’ll at least have Finn and Z there with me. 

Christmas is another matter altogether. Z will be with his dad, and I really, really don’t want to feel like an outcast on Christmas. I’d rather spend the day at home. It seriously all depends on their response to my birthday. I don’t expect gifts (I don’t celebrate my birthday, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, or any other gift giving holiday to that effect), but acknowledgment is nice. I’ll give gifts all day long, but expect nothing in return. That’s just not me. 

Seasonal Depression…

Daylight Savings Time has ended, which has my seasonal depression going in full force. The past few days have been especially fierce, since it’s been incredibly cloudy and dreary, add to that that The Bitch is due to show anytime now, and it’s been a triple threat. 

I’m struggling, but working on it. 

Taking Bets…

My birthday is coming up soon (38 days), and I just know I’m going to be forgotten, again. 

SIL’s birthday was a few months ago, and MIL posted a gushy happy birthday post on her Facebook wall. Finn and I have been together almost three years, and this will be my third birthday we’ve been together. She’s never once posted anything for me on my birthday. The first birthday I celebrated with Finn, I got told off for not working. Guess what? Finn and I had already discussed it at length, and it made no sense for me to work outside the home. 

I know this makes me come off as jealous (maybe I am?), but the unequal treatment between SIL and me is blazingly obvious. And I can’t pretend that doesn’t hurt. Finn’s mom plays blatant favoritism. 

The holidays are coming up quick, and no one’s said a word to us. I’m sure if we do get an invitation, it’ll be last minute. I’ve resolved to attend Thanksgiving, if we receive an invitation. However, Christmas is up in the air. It all depends on if/how they react to my birthday, which falls 12 days before Christmas. 

If none of them acknowledge my birthday, I will view it as yet another act of blatant favoritism. They didn’t acknowledge Z’s birthday, and refused to come to his party. Yet, they tricked us into going to neice’s cake and ice cream party the following month. They pile on the love for SIL, while I’m kicked to the curb. 

I don’t want or expect gifts, I just want acknowledgment that I exist. Is that too much to ask for?

If none of them acknowledge my birthday, I’ll refuse to attend their Christmas celebration. I’ll happily send Finn, and spend my happy ass home alone. Z will be with his father. 

Yes, I’d rather spend the biggest holiday of the year (AND our first Christmas married) alone, rather than feeling unwelcomed with Finn’s family. 

I haven’t said a word yet to Finn. I’m waiting to see how they handle my birthday, then going from there. 

I dread the day I give (hypothetical) birth. Any baby Finn and I have together will be treated completely different than Z. I swear I will go scorched earth. 

Five A.M. Thoughts…

((Shower thoughts ahead))

Once again, I’m awake much earlier than I have to be. 

RBF  (Resting Bitch Face) was supposed to be a defense mechanism to make men leave women the fuck alone, but has since become an excuse to allow them to utter the most dreaded phrase imaginable:

You need to/should smile more. 

Fuck. That. Noise. 

Saturday, I posted a selfie on Facebook. I was feeling really good about myself. Had my contacts in, wearing makeup, I’d even put my hair up in a ballerina bun. That was, until the first comment…

It was, of course, someone telling me to smile. Deflated, and confidence gone in an instant. If we weren’t already out of the house, I would have changed out of the dress I was wearing. 

For reference, here’s the picture:

I don’t think I looked too bad. I usually try to make my eyes the focus of pictures of myself. To me, they’re my best feature. 

Facebook Snoops…

Have you ever had people you have nothing in common with show up on your “People You May Know” list on Facebook? No mutual friends, not in any of the same groups. 

There have been two people showing up on this list for me repetitively for the past year or so. My ex husband’s mother and brother. I’ve never been friends with either profile. They’re both new. Created AFTER I left XH. Until they showed up under “People You May Know,” I had ZERO idea that either one of these profiles existed. The one from ExMIL was her fourth, that I’m aware of. She blocked me on her other three when I left XH. 

The first time it happened, I didn’t think anything of it. Facebook’s funny sometimes. 

But, then… they’d disappear for a few weeks, then randomly show up again. This has been ongoing for MONTHS. 

It got my attention, and had me curious as to why Facebook thought I may know these two people. I’d long since unfriended XH, and neither profile was connected to his in anyway before I unfriended him. 

Sooo… I posed the question to Google. Facebook won’t reveal their algorithms for this particular feature, but there were a LOT of posts on message boards on the topic. 

General consensus?

People who show up on your list of “People You May Know” are profiles that visit your page. 

Excuse me? What?

If this is true, my ex-husband’s mother and brother visit my profile on a regular basis. Enough that Facebook picks up on it. 

That is disturbing. 

What are they looking for? My privacy settings are as strict as Facebook will allow. 

I have three things visible to the public:

  1. My profile picture (Finn’s and my kiss during our wedding ceremony)
  2. My cover photo (our wedding party during the ceremony) 
  3. And my relationship status (married to Finn 

There’s nothing they can learn from my public profile. 

I’ve began to take screenshots every time they show up, so to have proof of this. 

But, for now, I’m keeping a watch out. 

But, seriously? Should I give them a show? The petty part of me really wants to.