Random Thoughts Tuesday 9/19

We’re 18 days away from the wedding at this point, and for the most part, all of my stress has melted away. 

For the most part…

Finn’s mom called me yesterday, and it was a doozy. There’s some background before I get into the conversation. 

((Finn was adopted at around 7 months old, and his biological sister was adopted to the same parents at birth, when Finn was 13 months old. I’ve never met their biological mother, and I have no desire to. I’ve heard horror stories about how bad things were for Finn before he came to be in his adoptive parent’s care. It’s not my story to tell, but I will say that his bio mother dropped him off to be babysat, and then just never returned.))

As I said, I’ve never met his bio mother, and I have zero desire to. It came out months ago (before our engagment was official, let alone announced), that his bio mom had contacted his adoptive mom, trying to get information about me, and our relationship  (even to an outsider ((he has his bio mom as a Facebook friend)), it was obvious that our relationship was headed towards an engagement and wedding, apparently). Even so far as to hinting for an invitation to our wedding (which, again, at that point I hadn’t even received an invitation to). Have I mentioned I have zero desire to meet this woman??? Yea-NO. No invite for bio mother. No brainer decision, on both of our parts. 

Ok, onto yesterday’s phone call…

His mom called, and said she had a question for me, all while acting extremely nervous, which got my anxiety going. 

I’ll be “T” for Tamma, and she’ll be “M” for mom:

M: I wanted to verify that ((Finn’s bio mother)) won’t be at the wedding. 

T: Definitely not.

M: Because me and ((Finn’s sister)) will walk out if she shows up. 

T: I’ve never met her, I have no desire to meet her. If she wanted to be a part of Finn’s life, she should have thought about that before she gave him away. 

Plus, she has no clue where the ceremony even is. 

M: Are you sure? Because you’ve been posting about it a lot. 

T: I’m positive. I’ve been extremely careful, because I have mutual friends with ((PsychoSister)), and I don’t want anyone to be able to pass along information to her. 

She finally got it after I said that. She knows what I’ve dealt with from PsychoSister, and how much anxiety the thought of her showing up causes me. 

She then went on to ask if I’m nervous. 

Nope. The only thing that changes is the legality. But, she still swears I am/will be nervous. What’s there to be nervous over? Saying “I do”? Nah. We’ve known since very early on that this was it. We started talking about marriage within the first month of dating. No nerves involved at all. 

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Words…

I just scrolled through my recent posts, and apparently, Finn’s and my upcoming wedding have completely taken over this blog. 

That shouldn’t be surprising, considering that it’s currently the biggest thing going on in my life, right?

We have twenty-three days left, so we’re at crunch time. My brain is completely scattered, bouncing around about twenty things at once (gotta love an artist’s mind). Bouquets, centerpieces, hair, make-up, corsages, boutoneers, flowers, dresses, stress, families, drama, pain, possibility of rain, hurricane season (why????), Finn, weight loss (again, why??? It’s a good thing I didn’t get a strapless dress)

I don’t really talk to anyone but Finn about what’s going on, just say there’s some family drama going on in the background. I’m pissed that I even have to consider the possibility that someone will either intentionally or unintentionally screw up our day or upstage us. 

I know drama surrounds literally ALL weddings in some capacity or another:

  1. In-laws not getting along with the bride/groom 
  2. In-laws not getting along with each other 
  3. Drama within one or both families 
  4. Jealous friends/relatives
  5. Someone mad they weren’t asked to be part of the bridal party 
  6. Competitive siblings 

On top of all that, I’m a planner that suffers from an anxiety disorder, so of course, my super-creative (yay, an artist’s mind) mind comes up with crazy (though possible) scenarios that could absolutely ruin our wedding day:

  1. OS leaking information to PsychoSister about date/times/locations. 
  2. One, or both of them, showing up.
  3. PsychoSister showing up at the pavilion we rented, and destroying it before the reception starts. 
  4. PsychoSister showing up during the ceremony, and ruining it. 

In short, PsychoSister is a bitch, and I don’t trust her as far as I can throw her. I’ve been told that she only leaves the house for doctors appointments, but I have zero clue if that’s correct information, as I’ve also been told that when someone tries to make plans with her, they’re “going out of town.”

So, honestly, anything is possible at this point. I have zero doubt that if she thinks she can ruin my happiness, she’ll attempt it. It’s her go-to. 

Craftiness Is Complete…

… unless I decide to throw another project at myself.

I finished the last bouquet two days ago,  along with finishing the bridesmaids gifts, finished up the boutoneers/corsages, and stringing the burlap flags.

I still feel like I’m missing/forgetting something, but I just can’t put my finger on it. I plan to assemble the favor boxes today, but I still need to get stickers to seal them, but now I’m wondering if I’ve waited too long.  

We’re 23 days out, and things are looking good to be fully completed well before then. I have the feeling I won’t be getting much sleep the night before, but we’ll see. 

My Replacement Bouquet Is Done

And I love it!! It’s even better than my original. 

It turned out waaaaaay better than I was expecting. 😍

To compare, this is the original:

In addition to my new, improved bouquet, I also finished my biggest and most time consuming project for the wedding last night. No pictures at this time, but it’s a baby pink crochet shawl. 

As of now, I just have one bouquet wrap to do, and lacing the burlap flags together to make banners and I **should** be done. 

Every time I say that, the shit hits the fan. But, at 29 days out, I will say “fuck no” to anyone else that thinks they should be in the bridal party. 

Motivation: Gone

After yesterday’s fiasco, I’ve lost all motivation I still had for any and all wedding craftiness. Which puts me in a bad spot, since I currently DO NOT HAVE A BOUQUET. I dismantled it last night. 

We went out to the store last night, and surprise! they aren’t carrying any of the flowers I had originally purchased for the bouquets anymore. They were seasonal. Fuck me. 

So, we run to another store to see if they have any. They do, but… It’s the same price I originally paid for a bush of 6 flowers for a SINGLE STEM. I ain’t even gonna lie, I broke down and cried, right there in the silk flowers department. I was devastated. I ended up getting a a bush of pink roses, a bush of white roses, a single tiger lily, and two white dahlias. It’s not the same, but it could be a whole lot worse. 

Why did I have to dismantle my original bouquet?

Well… that answer is twofold:

  1. The store last night didn’t have blue hydrangeas, and I had a few extras at home. 
  2. The flowers we purchased last night are a MUCH better quality. My MOH, Finn, and myself are all in a agreement that I, as the bride, deserve the higher quality flowers.

I got fussed at by both of them for calling myself a bridezilla for saying that. That did make me feel a bit better. 

So, now I sit here, with no bouquet, and no motivation to redo it…

I Need to Get This Out…

Or I’ll fucking scream. 

Just when I think it’s smooth sailing, and I’ve got all the wedding stuff either done or under control, Finn’s mom throws a wench in the process. 

We’re thirty-three days out, and now all of a sudden, we’re asked if Finn’s niece is in the wedding. 

Excuse me. What?

I hand Finn my phone so he can reply to his mom’s text. And it becomes ‘we didn’t ask her because we didn’t think she’d be interested.’ 

Now, I wasn’t planning on having any child attendants. And if I’d asked anyone to be my flower girl, it would have been my three year old niece, not Finn’s 11 year old niece. I gave up, and said she can be a junior bridesmaid, since she’s too old to be a flower girl. 

I go from having all the floral arrangements done, to needing to go get more silk flowers to make more. 

I’m so fucking upset by this. We originally didn’t want any family to be in the wedding, but that got shot out the goddamned window. 

I’m fucking outnumbered, and it’s no longer my wedding…

It’s theirs. 

Thinking Out Loud…

Thirty-four days until the wedding, and my head is buzzing. My heart feels like it’s glowing, and I can’t stop smiling. Yeah, I’ve got that bridal glow going on. 

I hope the next thirty-four days fly by. I’m sooo ready for this. Beyond ready. 

I just wish I could mute my own insecurities, as well as everyone else’s opinions. 

The most important day of your marriage isn’t your wedding day…

… It’s every day afterward. 

But, yet again, Finn’s brother and SIL just have to bring all the attention to themselves. 

We hand out our invitations? “Oh, we just got an apartment! And we’re having an ‘apartment warming’ party.”

We get our marriage lisence? “Look everyone, we finally got our rings!”

As I’ve posted before, they want to match the bridal party, that they are in no way in. I stopped giving any information, because I’m sick of it. 

My life is not a competition. I don’t live my life to please anyone else. And at 34, almost 35 years old, I’m too old to be dealing with this materialistic high school bullshit competition.

They seriously need to grow the fuck up and get over themselves. They’re going to be nothing but background characters on our wedding day.

I sooo want to be a petty ass bitch and be too unintentionally busy to even pay attention to them. Which, given that it’s OUR WEDDING DAY, it’ll be pretty damn easy. 

Yeah. FUCK. THAT. NOISE. 

Our wedding day is 100% about us. 

It’s Getting Real…

We paid the final payment for the reception venue and got our marriage licence today. 

Z just got home from school, and we’re planning a lazy dinner of salad and sandwiches, so I’ve got plenty of time to do some craftiness this evening. Still have to figure out what I’m going to put on the burlap flags, but we’re getting there. 

Thinking out loud. 

Hmm… perhaps ♥ L O V E ♥

or our wedding date? 10 ♥7 17

I can only use six characters. 

🤔

Drained…

With 37 days left till the wedding, I’m drained. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I’ve lost all motivation. I can barely keep my eyes open, and I’ve had daily headaches. 

We still need to figure out guest book and cake topper (Finn wants traditional, and we haven’t been able to find one in stores). 

For the most part, the crafty stuff is done, but there are still a few things left that I want to do. Bouquets and boutoneers have been done for a month or more. Same with the centerpiece elements, to be fully assembled day of. My crochet shawl is nearly complete, but I haven’t picked it up in nearly three weeks. I still have a pack of burlap flags I want to do something with, but there’s only so much you can do with 6 pieces. On the other, I hand-painted ‘Mr & Mrs’. Our last name is too long (9 letters!), and ‘Forever’ seems too hokey. 

I’m a serious planner (seriously, I plan outfits for events weeks in advance), and the lack of motivation is driving me fucking bonkers. I’m hoping to dive in today. But my biggest issue is that I don’t want to do crafty stuff while Finn is home, and since Z started middle school, I don’t have much time between Finn leaving for work, and Z getting home, and our evening activities starting up. By the time Z goes to bed, I’m too drained. 

Excuses, excuses, I know. 

Finn and I are doing swimmingly, otherwise. His family have been incredibly supportive with the shit show that has become my sisters. 

Hindsight is 20/20

Not always, but…

With as scattered as my thoughts have been since Finn and I started wedding planning, it hadn’t occurred to me just how much OS had been working my nerves. Most of it was on Snapchat, so I don’t have screen shots, but it was quite often. 

Looking back, it feels like she was trying to instigate a fight. Trying to argue with me and prove me wrong about nonsensical stuff, saying asking for no pictures to be posted on social media before we had the chance was rude, asking a multitude of questions when I’d given her the website where all the answers are literally at her fingertips, all while knowing I was swamped with wedding planning stuff. 

I don’t know if I feel more stupid for falling into a  possible trap, or more confused about whether or not it was truly her intention. 

I’m done. So fucking done. I’ve had suspicions of OS passing on information to PsychoSister for months. Ever since last Thanksgiving, and then when PsychoSister mysteriously acquired my father’s phone number. 

It’s disturbing to see that someone would intentionally give that information, knowing what the fallout would be. 

Now, I’m even more terrified that OS has already leaked the information about our wedding to PsychoSister, and that she’ll show up to ruin our day. 

Send help.