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Eight Years…

It’s 0504, and I’ve already been awake for nearly an hour. Today’s one of those days that I would have preferred to just sleep through. 

Today marks eight years since my momma’s passing. Almost exactly this time of morning August 20th, 2009 I got the call to gather the family. She’d denied her breathing treatment, and her heart stopped. They gave her a shot of adrenaline to her heart and did CPR, but it was too late. She was brain dead and only alive due to the machines. 

She was done fighting. I don’t blame her. But losing her left a hole in my heart that will never be filled. She was more than my mom. She was my best friend. 

Love and miss you forever, mom. 

11/09/50 – 08/20/09

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A Letter to My Momma…

Mom, 

I’m getting married! We have 59 days left to go. It’s been so hard without you here to bounce ideas off of. You’re going to be represented in small, but obvious ways. My dress, OMG my dress. It’s amazing! It’s light and airy, and GREY. Grey, the color that represents lung disease awareness. I didn’t even realize it until my dress was in my arms. 

The flowers were another happy accident. Lilacs, roses, lilies, hydrangeas. All flowers I know you loved. It was almost like you’d been guiding my hand as I picked them out. I’m even using eucalyptus as filler, because the smell relaxes me because you always had a eucalyptus spray sitting on the fireplace when I was growing up. Small things my fiance’s family won’t think twice about, but our side will definitely see it. 

My necklace is doubled-stranded, with two open filigree lockets. One locket has your birthstone, the other has my fiance’s. I attached another locket to dad’s boutoneer with both of your birthstones inside. 

But mom, things are going sideways. My fiance’s family is driving me bat shit insane. His mom claims it’s our wedding, and tells us to do what we want, but then turns around and puts down all of our ideas. Sunday, she even questioned why I want to wear boots. Mom, the wedding is a rustic/country theme. of course I want to wear cowboy boots. It’s part of who I am. 

His brother’s wife is trying to pretend they’re part of the bridal party. She’s trying to have her and her husband match us. It’s annoying, but far from the end of the world. I’ll just make sure the photographer keeps them on the outside of group photos. His mom did, however, ask if I had a preference as to what color she wears. I told her anything but grey or pale pink, as that’s what my MOH and I are wearing. I’m hoping that gets spread through the family. I told my fiancé and added that I hope she realizes white is included in that. He said he hopes so, too. Even he knows you don’t wear white to someone else’s wedding. 

As our wedding day inches nearer, I’m missing you more and more. I’ve ugly cried more than once. You may not be there physically, but I’ll make damn sure you’ll be there spiritually. 


Feelings…

When Scott ended things because of his cancer diagnosis, it broke me. It shattered me. He had his reasons, and I understood and respected them. But it wasn’t until I received the call that I fully grasped it.

As much as it hurt then… what would it have been like had he not ended it? I’d be broken beyond repair. I wouldn’t have Finn.

In meeting Finn, and starting the relationship with him,  I gave Scott exactly what he needed and wanted from me. The knowledge that I was happy, and was going to be OK.

He truly changed my life. I wouldn’t be where I am today had I never met him. I probably would have never met Finn, and would probably still be in the god-awful marriage to STBXH.  Scott rescued me, when I didn’t have the funds to save myself. He taught me I deserve respect. Something he said to me on our first “date” still sticks with me…  “You’re not broken, they didn’t deserve you.” One sentence, seven words, ten syllables, changed my entire life.

Scott,
I hope you see how much you meant to me. I still carry you in my heart. I’ll always love you. Now – can you do me a favor and give me some sort of sign that you’re OK, and are still gonna send your guidance from the afterlife? I’ve been waiting – not so patiently.

~Tam

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The Post I Never Wanted to Write…

Scott passed away this morning. I got the call around noon. He’d passed only an hour earlier.

I need to vent somewhere.

I want to scream, I want to yell, but mostly, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. He was an amazing friend to me, and I wouldn’t be where I am in life if I’d never met him.

Fuck cancer. Fuck August.

He’ll forever be in my heart. I’ll never not love him.

I’m still waiting for it to all sink in.

It’s Always August…

I fucking hate August!

This past weekend, a friend mine and Finn’s was killed when hit by a car in a hit and run. Witnesses say he flew 100+ feet. Yesterday, the suspect turned herself in. She’s claiming she thought she’d hit a deer. We’re hoping justice will be served to the fullest extent of the law.

On another note,  Scott is in Hospice inpatient care. The doctors aren’t giving a timeline, but are saying it’ll be soon.

Fuck August.

Tomorrow marks seven years since my mom passed away, and yesterday was seven years since the last time I’d seen her alive.

September needs to hurry the fuck up.

Craziness…

I don’t even know where to begin… things have gone crazy in my area.

I currently live in a teeny, tiny town that doesn’t even have it’s own zip code. It’s not even on the map.

Aside from my last post, there have been four more shooting murders. One was a triple homicide (MoCo), which led to an 8 hour manhunt that went through four states. O_O

The suicide of a much loved drama teacher (JeffCo), who I had during the ’98-’99 school year. Some bad things have been uncovered during the investigation. Three days later, another teacher I had during my teenage years passed away. It was a long battle with breast cancer.

And today, they announced that a body of a teenage boy missing from a neighboring state was found in the same county. What.The.Fuck. JeffCo?

A lady I’ve written about on here before, JT, was in a horrific motorcycle accident last night, and is currently on life support at INOVA Fairfax.

Even more fun…

A fucking TORNADO touched down in my county. A ways away from home, but only a few miles away from Finn at work.

What.The.Fuck?

Saying Goodbye…

Saturday was Scott’s going away party, and it was bittersweet, to say the least.

There were tears, smiling, and plenty of booze. I’m not sure if or when I’ll see him again. He’s going out west, to be near his parents and a warmer climate.

I know it’s against my rules, but this is the last picture…

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Finn was there with me to provide emotional support, and once again proving just how amazing he is. A lot of people commented on it as well.

Scott Update

We haven’t talked too much in the past few months, but he’s been updating me on his progress.

He did his last chemo treatment on July 6th, and the follow up scan showed that the cancer slowed, and the tumors shrank.

Looking back, I can see that he did the right thing. Yeah, it hurt, but now I’m looking at things as an outsider. I worked through the pain of the breakup while still having his friendship. It would have been a million times harder to deal with the pain of his death.

I thank God he did things the way he did. It gave me time to process the loss, and it allows him to see me happy before he does pass.

New Beginnings…

It’s been over two weeks since I left Scott’s house. It’s been rough, but Finn hasn’t left my side other than to go to work.

He’s definitely a keeper. He puts up with my randomness (and I put up with his), he does everything in his power to make me smile. Bonus: my Dad likes him.

We’re currently staying at a friend’s house, until we can save up funds for a place of our own. Hopefully, that won’t take too long, because neither one of us is fully comfortable here. I like to spend time just hanging out in our room (because of my anxiety), but the roommates think that’s weird. I try to spend some time out in the common room, but I feel like an outsider. Uncomfortable.

We keep saying that we’re building a solid foundation. We’re both at rock bottom, and it can’t get much worse than it is right now. Yet, we’re still by each other’s side.

I’ve talked to Scott once since I moved out. I was keeping him distracted during his last chemo treatment. I miss talking to him daily, I miss just joking around with him. I’m not gonna lie, I broke down and cried the day I moved out. And Finn held me close, as I  mourned the loss of everything we’d built. Finn gets it, he really, really does. And that makes everything easier on me. It’s not as hard as it was in the beginning, but I still have moments that I just wanna break down and cry. Better moments than whole days.

We keep saying that Saturday, April 18th 2015 (his 28th birthday, and the day he helped me move out of Scott’s) was the start of our forever…

Long Time, No Post

I’ve been keeping myself busy with packing through the week, and spending weekends with Finn. As of about 2am on Sunday March 22nd, Finn and I are officially in a relationship.

After Finn got off work Monday, he picked me and Z up to go to Walmart to get my prescription and to pick up something for dinner.

When he dropped us back off, he came in to meet Scott. Yes, my new boyfriend met my ex boyfriend, who I’m still currently living with. It wasn’t nearly as awkward as it could have been. They talked about the Scott’s cancer, his future plans, etc.

Meanwhile, I’m standing in the kitchen, wondering if my life could get any weirder.

I feel extremely blessed right now, because Finn is incredibly understanding that I still care very deeply about Scott, and that this isn’t a normal breakup.

Bozo and I are supposed to go apartment hunting again tomorrow, so we’ll see how that goes. Z doesn’t have school and Finn just found out he’s off because it’s Good Friday. Gonna be a good weekend.