It’s been a long time since I’ve done a Friday Confessions post, and it’s very much overdue.
I’m fucking terrified.
The wedding nightmares have begun. They’re stupid little things, but enough to get under my skin…
- My Bat Shit Crazy sister showing up and ruining everything.
- My Bat Shit Crazy sister showing up and convincing Finn to call it all off
- Being left at the alter
- Murphy’s Law (anything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong)
- Families not getting along
- Uninvited guests
- Kids being holy terrors, and the parents doing nothing about it
Sooo, yeah. Not only does wedding anxiety plague me during the day, it’s invading my dreams as well.
I haven’t posted in a while, because things have gone a bit… haywire…
I’ve talked to the guy I met Saturday night every day since. It’s been a crazy whirlwind of emotions.
Hurt (the situation with Scott), confusion (Scott and liking the new guy), guilt (for liking the new guy), and finally, joy (new guy).
I feel guilty for going out and doing what Scott told me to do. He’s aware that I’ve been talking to New Guy, and is encouraging it.
**Huge sigh of relief**
Earlier this evening, Scott told me to go ahead and make plans for tomorrow night. Am I hearing this correctly? My brand new ex-boyfriend is telling me to set up a date with New Guy? I know I’ve said it before, but WTF is going on with my life?
This is a **huge** confession for me. I haven’t told a lot of people this…
I told Scott early on in our relationship, within the first week. So, of course, the idea of having a three-some has been tossed around. It’s not so much that he wants to join in, but wants to watch.
OK. Fair enough.
We both agree that it would have to be someone we both agree on, no penetration on the other female, among a few other things.
I’m honestly still not sure if I can go through with it. I have trust issues. I have self esteem issues.
Up until two months ago, I could honestly say I had never gone farther than making out with another girl. Since hanging out at the bar I’ve been felt up (and felt up a few myself), in the middle of the bar, in full view of everyone, and on camera. I’ve also been violated in the ladies room. (WTF has happened to my life?!?)
On NYE, I was hanging out with a guy I went to school with and his fuck buddy, and she was all over me. No big, right? Until I had to pee, and asked her to come with. She threatened to violate me. Me, being the Queen of Overshare, said “Oh, no, I’m not being violated in that bathroom again“. Everyone in the vicinity: “Again“?!?
I don’t fully get it. I’m constantly having men ask me if they can buy me a drink (I do, occasionally, say “no”), and flirting with me. I have guys and girls slapping my ass, and girls feeling me up. Is Bozo right? I don’t see myself clearly?
At this rate, Scott will have his three-some before his birthday.
Last night, Scott and I were lying in bed, watching Bones (if you’ve never seen it, you’ve gotta try to catch at least one episode), and I felt this little “click” in my head as he pulled me closer.
Oh, shit. This is Scott. Why was I ever worried? He’d never do anything to purposely hurt me. He really does love me. How on earth did I ever get so lucky?
I tucked in closer to him, and had never felt warmer, safer, more loved or protected as I did in that moment.
Scott. The man that took a huge gamble on me. Why? He saw something special in me. I’m only now seeing this. He choose me. Me, out of all those other women that vied for his attention. Me, whom he’d only just met. Damn, I must be special.
Truth is, I still don’t know what makes me special, what made me stand out. But I did. I may never know or understand why he chose me, but now I can accept it.
Is this what was lacking in my previous relationships? My own confidence? Somehow, I doubt that.
I was cheated on. Once I can 100% without a doubt verify. The other? The attempt to rebuild our relationship was telling. He chose another woman over me. Being cheated on, it truly messes with you.
Why wasn’t I good enough for him?
I just feel like last night, and the past week or so in general, has impacted me. I’m starting to feel confidence again. I may not be a beauty queen, but in his eyes, I’m beautiful, and the happiness he brings me brings my “beauty” to the surface.
I posted this on Facebook a couple of days ago, and one of my friends responded with the following…
I hope this doesn’t come across as mean but when you were with STBXH I never thought you were outwardly, traditionally beautiful but I have seen you blossom! The pics I see of you lately are gorgeous! I can see you’re happy, you’re smiling, you’re vibrant and beautiful! I think happiness makes all the difference. You are a beautiful person inside and outside, and I for one, am so glad you have found what makes you happy! Miss you, BTW.
I think her post is, in part, where my new sense of confidence came from.