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Emotional…

I forgot how emotional pregnancy makes me. It feels like my brain is going a million miles an hour. Finn and I are overjoyed, as are our families. 

I just dread making it publicly known. I know Z’s father is going to flip his lid. There’s no way I’m going to be able to hide it for long. I’m currently 5w4d and already showing a bit of a bump. It’s ridiculous. I’m going to be as big as a house come September. 



I have to plan our public announcement carefully, down to the minute. Because I know as soon as H’s aunt on his father’s side finds out, she’ll be on the phone with him to tell him immediately. She did the same thing with our engagement. I didn’t have the chance to tell my son I was engaged before she ran off at the mouth.  I currently have her, plus all of our mutual friends on my Facebook acquaintance list, and nothing I post is visible to any of them. I regularly double- and triple-check my privacy settings. At least once a week. And every time I make a post, I make sure it’s not visible to my acquaintance list. 
I seriously just double-checked my recent posts. Pregnancy brain’s got me good. 

On the other side of things, apparently Finn’s brother and SIL have been TTC as well, with no success. After SIL’s reactions during our engagement, I dread being in her presence with a baby bump. I’m not sure how long they’ve been trying, because that’s honestly not my business. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t start trying until after they found out we were. 

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Appointments Scheduled…

I called my doctor’s office to schedule my first prenatal appointment Wednesday, and they called back yesterday. They scheduled my first three appointments. February 7th is my dating ultrasound  (we’ll get to see the heartbeat!!💓💓), February 13th is my midwife appointment, and March 7th is my OB appointment. 

When I bought the pregnancy test (to be honest, I only wanted to take a test to prove to myself that I’m NOT pregnant. I seriously thought I was infertile. Guess it was XH. Whoops.), I bought the “Test and confirm, and confirm, and confirm” by First Response. It was (obviously) a three pack. An early result test, a digital test, and a rapid result test, each less sensitive than the last. 

Well, with such a dark line on the early result test, I didn’t feel the need to use the others right away. I staggered them every other day. The digital and the rapid response were both positive (obviously). I laughed my ass off with the rapid result test. It was such a strong positive that the test line pulled the dye from the control line:

^^The strongest positive I’ve ever received on a home pregnancy test. 

I’m so freaking happy right now. Finn and I are struggling to keep it quiet. I’m hoping to wait until I hit the second trimester in March, but it’ll be a miracle if we make it that long. We’ve already told our parents, and a few close friends. I’m sure the word will slowly trickle out. 

No Longer Schrödinger’s cat…

Errr… Uterus.

BECAUSE I’M PREGNANT!!!

I waited all day yesterday to be able to get to the store, but finally made it around 1030 last night. I couldn’t wait to take the test this morning, so I took it as soon as we got home. 

Almost immediately, two beautiful, pink lines appeared (the test line is actually darker than the control!). In my shock, I grabbed the test, ran outside (shaking), looked at Finn while he was loading the truck to take our old couch to the dump, looked at him and said “It’s positive.”

Not exciting, not dramatic. I was just in too much shock for a big production. 

As of today, I’m 4w2d (4 weeks, 2 days).

… And So It Begins…

Ugh. I popped the egg 10 days ago (translation: I’m 10 Days Post Ovulation, or 10DPO), and I’m symptom spotting. Every little thing, I’m thinking “omg, I’m ___ that’s a symptom of pregnancy,” then my rational brain takes over and says “yeah, but it’s also a PMS symptom, quit freaking out, you’re not pregnant.” 😂😂😂

TTC is one helluva mind fuck. I know getting pregnant at my age, and with my history,  is a long shot. It’s gonna be one helluva ride. Thank goodness Finn is so amazing about it all. I told him from day one, there’s a minimal chance I’d ever be able to make him a father. It is what it is.

Even if I’m not 100% sure if it was me or XH, the inability to get pregnant with XH is still a part of my medical history. Only time will tell at this point. 

Feeling Hopeful…

Finn and I are on cycle #4 of TTC (trying to conceive). I’ve been charting since I went off BCPs in May. But seriously half-assing it. This cycle, I’ve been on the ball. Temping, using ovulation tests, the whole 9.

When I input my temp this morning, I got my crosshairs. I popped the egg lb Thanksgiving. 

We hit 3 out of 4 fertile days this cycle, so I’m really optimistic.

Fingers crossed that this is our cycle. 

We Didn’t Go…

Murphy’s Law (anything that can go wrong, does go wrong) hit around here yesterday. I woke up to a text from OS, after having not spoken to her since late August. I didn’t reply. I didn’t, and still don’t want or need to deal with the stress she brings.  Z woke up with a stomach bug that was trying to vacate from both ends, meanwhile our plumbing was backing up. 

Since MIL had surgery in late September, her immune system has been down. If she gets so much as the common cold, she could be hospitalized.

Well, a sick kid was my out. 

Finn didn’t want to leave us home alone, with Z being sick on top of the plumbing problems, so that was his out. He spent the day under the trailer cutting roots (a root system in the line is what caused the backup) and repairing lines. 

It was not a pleasant day for any of us. 

In other news, my birthday is now nineteen days away, and I’m still taking bets on whether or not my family acknowledges it at all. 

Well, It Happened…

 Looks like we’re going to the in-law’s for Thanksgiving…

MIL called yesterday to ask about our Thanksgiving plans. Finn and I agreed that if they asked about it, we’d go. So long as it wasn’t the day of.  I really, really don’t want to, but we’re going. I guess we’ll see how it goes. 

Christmas still depends on how things go Thursday, and whether or not they even recognize my birthday. I will not remind any of them how close my birthday is to Thanksgiving  (20 days this year).

I’ve also been tasked to make sweet potatoes, something I’ve never made and, frankly, don’t like. 

Yay for me? I guess?

Taking Bets…

My birthday is coming up soon (38 days), and I just know I’m going to be forgotten, again. 

SIL’s birthday was a few months ago, and MIL posted a gushy happy birthday post on her Facebook wall. Finn and I have been together almost three years, and this will be my third birthday we’ve been together. She’s never once posted anything for me on my birthday. The first birthday I celebrated with Finn, I got told off for not working. Guess what? Finn and I had already discussed it at length, and it made no sense for me to work outside the home. 

I know this makes me come off as jealous (maybe I am?), but the unequal treatment between SIL and me is blazingly obvious. And I can’t pretend that doesn’t hurt. Finn’s mom plays blatant favoritism. 

The holidays are coming up quick, and no one’s said a word to us. I’m sure if we do get an invitation, it’ll be last minute. I’ve resolved to attend Thanksgiving, if we receive an invitation. However, Christmas is up in the air. It all depends on if/how they react to my birthday, which falls 12 days before Christmas. 

If none of them acknowledge my birthday, I will view it as yet another act of blatant favoritism. They didn’t acknowledge Z’s birthday, and refused to come to his party. Yet, they tricked us into going to neice’s cake and ice cream party the following month. They pile on the love for SIL, while I’m kicked to the curb. 

I don’t want or expect gifts, I just want acknowledgment that I exist. Is that too much to ask for?

If none of them acknowledge my birthday, I’ll refuse to attend their Christmas celebration. I’ll happily send Finn, and spend my happy ass home alone. Z will be with his father. 

Yes, I’d rather spend the biggest holiday of the year (AND our first Christmas married) alone, rather than feeling unwelcomed with Finn’s family. 

I haven’t said a word yet to Finn. I’m waiting to see how they handle my birthday, then going from there. 

I dread the day I give (hypothetical) birth. Any baby Finn and I have together will be treated completely different than Z. I swear I will go scorched earth. 

Five A.M. Thoughts…

((Shower thoughts ahead))

Once again, I’m awake much earlier than I have to be. 

RBF  (Resting Bitch Face) was supposed to be a defense mechanism to make men leave women the fuck alone, but has since become an excuse to allow them to utter the most dreaded phrase imaginable:

You need to/should smile more. 

Fuck. That. Noise. 

Saturday, I posted a selfie on Facebook. I was feeling really good about myself. Had my contacts in, wearing makeup, I’d even put my hair up in a ballerina bun. That was, until the first comment…

It was, of course, someone telling me to smile. Deflated, and confidence gone in an instant. If we weren’t already out of the house, I would have changed out of the dress I was wearing. 

For reference, here’s the picture:

I don’t think I looked too bad. I usually try to make my eyes the focus of pictures of myself. To me, they’re my best feature. 

Facebook Snoops…

Have you ever had people you have nothing in common with show up on your “People You May Know” list on Facebook? No mutual friends, not in any of the same groups. 

There have been two people showing up on this list for me repetitively for the past year or so. My ex husband’s mother and brother. I’ve never been friends with either profile. They’re both new. Created AFTER I left XH. Until they showed up under “People You May Know,” I had ZERO idea that either one of these profiles existed. The one from ExMIL was her fourth, that I’m aware of. She blocked me on her other three when I left XH. 

The first time it happened, I didn’t think anything of it. Facebook’s funny sometimes. 

But, then… they’d disappear for a few weeks, then randomly show up again. This has been ongoing for MONTHS. 

It got my attention, and had me curious as to why Facebook thought I may know these two people. I’d long since unfriended XH, and neither profile was connected to his in anyway before I unfriended him. 

Sooo… I posed the question to Google. Facebook won’t reveal their algorithms for this particular feature, but there were a LOT of posts on message boards on the topic. 

General consensus?

People who show up on your list of “People You May Know” are profiles that visit your page. 

Excuse me? What?

If this is true, my ex-husband’s mother and brother visit my profile on a regular basis. Enough that Facebook picks up on it. 

That is disturbing. 

What are they looking for? My privacy settings are as strict as Facebook will allow. 

I have three things visible to the public:

  1. My profile picture (Finn’s and my kiss during our wedding ceremony)
  2. My cover photo (our wedding party during the ceremony) 
  3. And my relationship status (married to Finn 

There’s nothing they can learn from my public profile. 

I’ve began to take screenshots every time they show up, so to have proof of this. 

But, for now, I’m keeping a watch out. 

But, seriously? Should I give them a show? The petty part of me really wants to.