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A Letter to My Momma…

Mom, 

I’m getting married! We have 59 days left to go. It’s been so hard without you here to bounce ideas off of. You’re going to be represented in small, but obvious ways. My dress, OMG my dress. It’s amazing! It’s light and airy, and GREY. Grey, the color that represents lung disease awareness. I didn’t even realize it until my dress was in my arms. 

The flowers were another happy accident. Lilacs, roses, lilies, hydrangeas. All flowers I know you loved. It was almost like you’d been guiding my hand as I picked them out. I’m even using eucalyptus as filler, because the smell relaxes me because you always had a eucalyptus spray sitting on the fireplace when I was growing up. Small things my fiance’s family won’t think twice about, but our side will definitely see it. 

My necklace is doubled-stranded, with two open filigree lockets. One locket has your birthstone, the other has my fiance’s. I attached another locket to dad’s boutoneer with both of your birthstones inside. 

But mom, things are going sideways. My fiance’s family is driving me bat shit insane. His mom claims it’s our wedding, and tells us to do what we want, but then turns around and puts down all of our ideas. Sunday, she even questioned why I want to wear boots. Mom, the wedding is a rustic/country theme. of course I want to wear cowboy boots. It’s part of who I am. 

His brother’s wife is trying to pretend they’re part of the bridal party. She’s trying to have her and her husband match us. It’s annoying, but far from the end of the world. I’ll just make sure the photographer keeps them on the outside of group photos. His mom did, however, ask if I had a preference as to what color she wears. I told her anything but grey or pale pink, as that’s what my MOH and I are wearing. I’m hoping that gets spread through the family. I told my fiancé and added that I hope she realizes white is included in that. He said he hopes so, too. Even he knows you don’t wear white to someone else’s wedding. 

As our wedding day inches nearer, I’m missing you more and more. I’ve ugly cried more than once. You may not be there physically, but I’ll make damn sure you’ll be there spiritually. 


Bridezilla in 3. 2. 1…

I’ll be so fucking happy once this wedding is done. 

Finn’s family is driving me bat shit crazy. If it’s not FSIL trying to get too involved, it’s FMIL complaining about one thing or another. If it’s not FMIL shitting on all of our ideas, it’s Finn’s brother complaining about having to wear a boutoneer. 

After him and his mom guilted Finn into naming him as best man. Seriously? He’s complaining about the requested attire for a role he guilted Finn into giving him. That’s LITERALLY the number one job of everyone in the bridal party. SHOW UP WEARING THE REQUESTED ATTIRE. Don’t fucking complain about it. Damn. 

FSIL has gone radio silent after our conversation about what she wants to wear. It’s beyond hope. No one’s going to talk to her about how inappropriate it is to intentionally match the bridal party. Either no one understands, or they don’t care. 

My vote goes for the latter. 

I posted a simple question on Facebook to see if anyone else was of my sister’s opinion, that it’s inappropriate to ask ceremony guests not to post pictures until after our arrival at the reception. 

Most agreed with me, that it’s not too much to ask. 

FMIL’s opinion however…

 Wow this is becoming too much

Followed by…

Look I am going to take pictures I don’t care what Finn says and if u guys have a problem with that I just won’t come

That was followed up by a phone call from her asking why not everyone will be invited to the ceremony. I tried to explain that both Finn and I suffer from social anxiety, and wanted to keep the ceremony private and intimate, but still wanted to share at least part of the day with our friends. 

Ugh… NOW she’s complaining that the reception will be too big, and we won’t have enough food for everyone. 

There’s no winning with this family. 

I did the math after the phone call. Not including children, the ceremony will have 24 guests (including wedding party), and the reception will have 36 guests. Including all children, our guest list count jumps to 53 people. And that’s IF (huge, major, IF) everyone invited shows up. Which I highly doubt they will. 

Still, not a big wedding, despite what she says. That’s smaller than most of the family get togethers my parents hosted when I was growing up. 

Next up: FMIL wants granddaughters soon.  Granddaughters, not grandsons. She wants me to have twin girls. Oh, but wait six months after going off birth control, because that’s how long it takes to get out of your system. 

Ummm. No. It takes 2-3 days. That’s what your period is when you’re on birth control. Withdrawal bleed. It may take awhile for your body to figure out WTF it’s doing, but the hormones are out of your system within days. 

I’ve been off my BCPs since May, and have had two normal cycles since (I chart). My last period even indicated that my body has figured out what it’s supposed to be doing. 

Monday Bitchfest 7/24


Well… I woke up in a good mood this morning, but that quickly went to absolute shit. 
First, I get guilt trips for visiting my aunt that I haven’t seen in three years, because I didn’t let anyone know I would be there.  I didn’t even know I was going to be there until five minutes before my dad pulled into her driveway. 

Second, I started a private group on Facebook so MOH and I could organise my bachelorette spa day. I posted yesterday asking when would be a good day for everyone. Not one single person had replied. It had been seen by both Finn’s mom and SIL, but neither replied.

I thought they wanted to be involved?
Oh wait, that’s right, they only want to be involved when my family isn’t. 

I’m done. So. Fucking. Done. 

The only thing I can remotely come up with is that it’s a jealousy thing.I told her when we first got engaged that I wanted a girl’s day with her and Finn’s sister. I guess she’s upset I’m trying to include both sides. It’s all well and good when it’s just her family, but she doesn’t want to be involved when my family is included.
I’ll give it a couple weeks, and if no one responds, cancel it due to “lack of interest”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find a rock to curl up under so I can cry my eyes out in peace. 

Here We Go Again…

I’ve written twice about Finn’s brother and SIL  (sister-in-law) already. Here and here

While we were out shopping for wedding supplies Saturday, Finn’s mom called to ask about our plans. He told her that we were waiting to finalize the venue before we dove too far into the decorations. Fair enough. 

She goes on to say that SIL wants to help with the decorations. 

FULL STOP. 

NO. 

This makes me feel even more suspicious. It feels like she wants to live vicariously through me, since she never had an actual wedding and reception. 

I rolled my eyes sooo hard when Finn told me. He gets it. Our tastes are vastly different. She wants a $26k ring vs my less-than-$100 moissanite bridal set. 

We’ve been told no less than four times that she wants to help, and I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don’t want her anywhere near the crafty end of the decorations. I’ve put a lot of thought into what I want, and being naturally crafty, I don’t trust anyone else to do it to my standards. 

Yes, I realize that makes me sound like a bitch and a bridezilla, but it’s the truth. I take a lot of pride in my craft work. It’s kind of my gig. I have been paid for my creations. Once upon a time, I had two active online shops. So yeah, it’s safe to say that I’m good at what I do. 

So, onto yesterday…

I fucked up. SIL caught me in a moment of weakness (dealing with some pain from a splinter IN MY ASS. Seriously, it hurts to sit on any surface that’s not heavily cushioned. You have my permission to laugh), and I gave her the link to my Pinterest wedding board.

She’s running with it. And for some weird ass reason I’ve yet to figure out, she’s pushing bamboo cutlery. Like, fuck, let me breathe. Finn and I are paying for this whole gig out of our own pockets. 

No Pay, No Say. 

Suggestions are all well and good, but in the end, Finn and I have final say. I don’t want this wedding to become a three ring circus. My last wedding, the in-laws took over, and it ended up being almost completely the opposite of what I wanted. 

Fuck, just let us have the wedding we want. Damn. 

Still looking for volunteers for ‘red wine duty.’ 

Any takers??

Eighty-Eight Days…

Things are starting to truly come together. 

  1. Invites ✔
  2. Bouquets ✔
  3. Boutoneers ✔
  4. My dress ✔
  5. Decorations ✔
  6. Pastor ✔
  7. Venue ✔
  8. Favors ✔

I still want to get some tulle, sooo we can “drape” it around the pavilion. Guess we’ll see…
Eighty eight days til I get to marry this guy…

Suspicion Confirmed…

Finn’s brother and sister-in-law just stopped by, thinking he was home  (nope, he’s a workaholic, works approximately 53 hours a week). They mentioned they were (finally) looking at wedding rings. They just had to mention that the rings they’re planning on getting are $16k a peice.

SIXTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR A HUNK OF METAL AND ROCKS TO WEAR AROUND YOUR FINGER

I’m seriously dumbfounded hearing this. And then. AND THEN. She speaks up and says it’s too small.

TOO SMALL? A SIXTEEN THOUSAND DOLLAR RING IS TOO SMALL?!?! That’s, at the very least, a 3cttw diamond. Seriously. 

The ring she wants is twenty-six thousand dollars. Holy shit! That’s a house in this area. She’d rather have a ring than a house?!?

As I said in this post, she’s been acting weird whenever my ring, or Finn and I’s wedding is brought up. I thought it was jealousy, but now I’m about 99.999% sure that’s exactly what it is/was. 

They’re (or, at the very least, her) attempting to show us up. I’m hoping (PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD) that this shit is out of their system before Finn and I’s wedding. 

I’m definitely assigning someone to red wine (Gatorade?) duty. 

Wedding Worries

Just over three and a half months to go. We’ve already got the invitations, the flowers and greenery for the bouquets, food being planned, centerpieces planned out, my dress is hanging in the closet. All that in just over a month. It’s moving pretty damn fast. 

WooHoo

But I worry. I worry and stress, because Finn’s planned wardrobe isn’t up to his mom’s  (FMIL) standards. She wants him in a suit. I don’t. It’s not him. 

Another major worry for me is his sister-in-law. His brother and her got married last October, and we unintentionally set our date a week before their anniversary. 

Whoops. 



We chose our date for a multitude of reasons. Major one being 10/7/17 = 10+7=17. Then, there’s a chance my brother could have cancer (seriously, FUCK cancer!), and well, if it hadn’t been for the fact that I was still legally married to XH, we would have been married a year ago. 

Every time our engagement and wedding come up in front of her, she gets this weird facial expression. Like, a combination of sadness and jealousy. I don’t know what to think. They’ve been married nearly a year, and still don’t have rings. As far as I’m aware, she doesn’t even have an engagement ring. I’m sorry, but that’s not our fault. Finn’s brother (her husband) is a cheapskate. Again, not our fault. They got married in their pastor’s back yard, with only Finn’s parents and siblings (minus Finn and I) in attendance. Again, not our fault. If she wanted a real wedding, she should have held her ground. 

Part of me worries that they’ll figure out a way to take the attention off of us, and onto them. Like, they’ll try to turn it into the wedding they didn’t get to have, on our dime. I barely know her, but I wouldn’t put it past him, to be honest. Or, that he’ll encourage her to do it, knowing she’s from a different culture and might not know any better. 

Maybe it’s because I’ve been reading horror stories, maybe it’s because of my previous experience  (XH’s family ruined wedding planning for me), but I’m scared that his family will take over, and completely upstage us at our own wedding. 

So… Um… Time to plan a wedding… 

So… Yeah… Finn and I are officially engaged, and my head is spinning. 

One thing we agree on (thank goodness!!!), is that we want a small wedding. Twenty people or less. 


Off to Pinterest…

Been Feeling Emotional… 

Sooo… Finn got a phone call from his mom yesterday, and I’m about thisclose to just giving up. 

  • Guilt trips for visiting my father more than them. 
  • “Why aren’t y’all married yet?”
  • “Don’t get married unless you’re sure.”
  • “She’s been divorced. Twice.”
  • “Our family doesn’t believe in divorce.”

Phone calls with her never fail to send me on an emotional roller coaster. 

My self esteem and self worth have tanked in recent months, and Finn’s reasons for us not being married/officially engaged yet feel more like excuses than genuine concerns. I’m questioning things. Not whether or not he loves me, that much is evident in his words and actions, but whether or not I’m worth it in his eyes. 

I have two divorces under my belt. With both, I was the instigator. I don’t give up easily. It takes a lot to get me to the point that I’m just done. I tried to make both marriages work. I tried so hard. But when you’re being lied to, stolen from, cheated on, and mentally abused, it takes it’s toll on you. 

And to make matters even worse on myself, I can’t stop myself from putting my foot in my mouth, picking on Finn about getting married. It just flies out. I’m trying not to do it. I just keep telling myself it’s never going to happen. Cause, honestly, at this point I just don’t see it. 

I.just.don’t.see.it. 

That’s not going to stop be from being the best girlfriend I can be for him, but marriage? I just don’t see it in the cards for us. And that’s depressing. 

Well OK, then… 

Finn and I haven’t “officially” announced that we consider ourselves engaged to, well, anyone really. Not even Z or H. 

But today. Today… 

His mother introduced me as his fiancé. 

Yep. Not a single flinch. 

“This is his fiancé”

. . . 

I’ll take it.