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Friday Confessions 8/4/17

It’s been a long time since I’ve done a Friday Confessions post, and it’s very much overdue. 

I’m fucking terrified. 

The wedding nightmares have begun. They’re stupid little things, but enough to get under my skin…

  1. My Bat Shit Crazy sister showing up and ruining everything. 
  2. My Bat Shit Crazy sister showing up and convincing Finn to call it all off 
  3. Being left at the alter 
  4. Murphy’s Law (anything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong)
  5. Families not getting along 
  6. Uninvited guests 
  7. Kids being holy terrors, and the parents doing nothing about it

Sooo, yeah. Not only does wedding anxiety plague me during the day, it’s invading my dreams as well. 

Random Thoughts Tuesdays 8/1

This wedding is becoming a freaking circus. I thought it was Finn’s family I had to worry about. 

Yeah… about that…

My oldest sister and I were chatting on Snapchat, when our other sister came up in conversation…

As you can tell, I feel very strongly about the other sister NOT getting an invitation to the wedding. But I have a sneaking suspicion that someone will leak her the information, and she’ll end up crashing the wedding. 

On top of that fiasco, I told oldest sis that while we don’t mind guests taking pictures of the ceremony, we don’t want them posted on social media until after we’ve made our entrance at the reception. 

She questioned me about it. I explained to her that it’s a private ceremony for family only, friends are being invited to the reception only, and we’d like to surprise our reception guests. She didn’t comprehend it. At all. Then implied that it was disrespectful to ask that of our guests. 

What. The. Actual. Fuck?!?!

It’s disrespectful of us to ask that a private moment not be blasted on social media, but not disrespectful for guests not to follow our wishes?

She threw a tantrum, and said “well, I just won’t bring my phone then.” As though it’s SUCH an inconvenience to wait an hour to post pictures on Instagram. Seriously?

Then, she drops this bomb:

I don’t want anyone taking pictures of me.”

Ok, seriously? YOU want to post pictures of one of the most important moments of my life immediately, and when I ask you not to it’s disrespectful? But if you end up in the background of picture, you don’t want it on social media? How the fuck does that make any sense???

More FSIL Drama…

For some backstory,  I’ve written about her herehere, and here

She wants to match the bridal party. 

She. Wants. To. Match. The. Bridal. Party. 

She asked me the other day if I had a preference  as to what colors I want the guests to wear. I told her anything but the wedding colors. Even sent her a sample of the wedding colors. But she’s set on wearing pink. My Maid of Honor is wearing pink. 

She found out that Finn will be wearing boots, so she wants her husband to wear boots. Her exact words were “and boots too since Finn’s wearing boots.”

She even asked me what kind of shoes I’ll be wearing. I’m pissed off. I’m annoyed. This is not normal behavior. And it’s stressing me the fuck out. 

Someone needs to reign her the fuck in. This is OUR wedding, and I REFUSE to let someone take it over. 

Fuck. That. Noise. 

Monday Bitchfest 7/24


Well… I woke up in a good mood this morning, but that quickly went to absolute shit. 
First, I get guilt trips for visiting my aunt that I haven’t seen in three years, because I didn’t let anyone know I would be there.  I didn’t even know I was going to be there until five minutes before my dad pulled into her driveway. 

Second, I started a private group on Facebook so MOH and I could organise my bachelorette spa day. I posted yesterday asking when would be a good day for everyone. Not one single person had replied. It had been seen by both Finn’s mom and SIL, but neither replied.

I thought they wanted to be involved?
Oh wait, that’s right, they only want to be involved when my family isn’t. 

I’m done. So. Fucking. Done. 

The only thing I can remotely come up with is that it’s a jealousy thing.I told her when we first got engaged that I wanted a girl’s day with her and Finn’s sister. I guess she’s upset I’m trying to include both sides. It’s all well and good when it’s just her family, but she doesn’t want to be involved when my family is included.
I’ll give it a couple weeks, and if no one responds, cancel it due to “lack of interest”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find a rock to curl up under so I can cry my eyes out in peace. 

Here We Go Again…

I’ve written twice about Finn’s brother and SIL  (sister-in-law) already. Here and here

While we were out shopping for wedding supplies Saturday, Finn’s mom called to ask about our plans. He told her that we were waiting to finalize the venue before we dove too far into the decorations. Fair enough. 

She goes on to say that SIL wants to help with the decorations. 

FULL STOP. 

NO. 

This makes me feel even more suspicious. It feels like she wants to live vicariously through me, since she never had an actual wedding and reception. 

I rolled my eyes sooo hard when Finn told me. He gets it. Our tastes are vastly different. She wants a $26k ring vs my less-than-$100 moissanite bridal set. 

We’ve been told no less than four times that she wants to help, and I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don’t want her anywhere near the crafty end of the decorations. I’ve put a lot of thought into what I want, and being naturally crafty, I don’t trust anyone else to do it to my standards. 

Yes, I realize that makes me sound like a bitch and a bridezilla, but it’s the truth. I take a lot of pride in my craft work. It’s kind of my gig. I have been paid for my creations. Once upon a time, I had two active online shops. So yeah, it’s safe to say that I’m good at what I do. 

So, onto yesterday…

I fucked up. SIL caught me in a moment of weakness (dealing with some pain from a splinter IN MY ASS. Seriously, it hurts to sit on any surface that’s not heavily cushioned. You have my permission to laugh), and I gave her the link to my Pinterest wedding board.

She’s running with it. And for some weird ass reason I’ve yet to figure out, she’s pushing bamboo cutlery. Like, fuck, let me breathe. Finn and I are paying for this whole gig out of our own pockets. 

No Pay, No Say. 

Suggestions are all well and good, but in the end, Finn and I have final say. I don’t want this wedding to become a three ring circus. My last wedding, the in-laws took over, and it ended up being almost completely the opposite of what I wanted. 

Fuck, just let us have the wedding we want. Damn. 

Still looking for volunteers for ‘red wine duty.’ 

Any takers??

Eighty-Eight Days…

Things are starting to truly come together. 

  1. Invites ✔
  2. Bouquets ✔
  3. Boutoneers ✔
  4. My dress ✔
  5. Decorations ✔
  6. Pastor ✔
  7. Venue ✔
  8. Favors ✔

I still want to get some tulle, sooo we can “drape” it around the pavilion. Guess we’ll see…
Eighty eight days til I get to marry this guy…

Random Thought Tuesday 6/27/17


Everything’s coming together now. We’ve secured our officiant, bouquets are done except for final touches. Finn’s wardrobe has been figured out, just not purchased. We’re getting there. 
Slowly, but surely. 

Z wants to be ring security (LMAO), because he’s too big to be the ring bearer. Fair enough. I’m sure we’ll sort all of that out soon enough. 

Z’s helping me out with some of the crafty stuff today. He wants to help so he can be involved, who am I to tell him he can’t?

2017 has proven to be a year of changes. It’s been one helluva wild ride.  Two name changes for me (from married name, to maiden name, to a new married name coming in October), Z starting middle school in all Honors classes, except math which he has an IEP for the gifted program. It’s been a lot to take in. His IQ scores from the school psychologist are all in the 120s. His test scores in math and English are all off the charts (he was two points away from being placed in gifted English as well as math). Kid’s a genius. Literally. He’s nervous, but excited to begin this new journey in his education. 

I’m just trying to take everything one day at a time. 

Wedding Worries

Just over three and a half months to go. We’ve already got the invitations, the flowers and greenery for the bouquets, food being planned, centerpieces planned out, my dress is hanging in the closet. All that in just over a month. It’s moving pretty damn fast. 

WooHoo

But I worry. I worry and stress, because Finn’s planned wardrobe isn’t up to his mom’s  (FMIL) standards. She wants him in a suit. I don’t. It’s not him. 

Another major worry for me is his sister-in-law. His brother and her got married last October, and we unintentionally set our date a week before their anniversary. 

Whoops. 



We chose our date for a multitude of reasons. Major one being 10/7/17 = 10+7=17. Then, there’s a chance my brother could have cancer (seriously, FUCK cancer!), and well, if it hadn’t been for the fact that I was still legally married to XH, we would have been married a year ago. 

Every time our engagement and wedding come up in front of her, she gets this weird facial expression. Like, a combination of sadness and jealousy. I don’t know what to think. They’ve been married nearly a year, and still don’t have rings. As far as I’m aware, she doesn’t even have an engagement ring. I’m sorry, but that’s not our fault. Finn’s brother (her husband) is a cheapskate. Again, not our fault. They got married in their pastor’s back yard, with only Finn’s parents and siblings (minus Finn and I) in attendance. Again, not our fault. If she wanted a real wedding, she should have held her ground. 

Part of me worries that they’ll figure out a way to take the attention off of us, and onto them. Like, they’ll try to turn it into the wedding they didn’t get to have, on our dime. I barely know her, but I wouldn’t put it past him, to be honest. Or, that he’ll encourage her to do it, knowing she’s from a different culture and might not know any better. 

Maybe it’s because I’ve been reading horror stories, maybe it’s because of my previous experience  (XH’s family ruined wedding planning for me), but I’m scared that his family will take over, and completely upstage us at our own wedding. 

So… Um… Time to plan a wedding… 

So… Yeah… Finn and I are officially engaged, and my head is spinning. 

One thing we agree on (thank goodness!!!), is that we want a small wedding. Twenty people or less. 


Off to Pinterest…

Been Feeling Emotional… 

Sooo… Finn got a phone call from his mom yesterday, and I’m about thisclose to just giving up. 

  • Guilt trips for visiting my father more than them. 
  • “Why aren’t y’all married yet?”
  • “Don’t get married unless you’re sure.”
  • “She’s been divorced. Twice.”
  • “Our family doesn’t believe in divorce.”

Phone calls with her never fail to send me on an emotional roller coaster. 

My self esteem and self worth have tanked in recent months, and Finn’s reasons for us not being married/officially engaged yet feel more like excuses than genuine concerns. I’m questioning things. Not whether or not he loves me, that much is evident in his words and actions, but whether or not I’m worth it in his eyes. 

I have two divorces under my belt. With both, I was the instigator. I don’t give up easily. It takes a lot to get me to the point that I’m just done. I tried to make both marriages work. I tried so hard. But when you’re being lied to, stolen from, cheated on, and mentally abused, it takes it’s toll on you. 

And to make matters even worse on myself, I can’t stop myself from putting my foot in my mouth, picking on Finn about getting married. It just flies out. I’m trying not to do it. I just keep telling myself it’s never going to happen. Cause, honestly, at this point I just don’t see it. 

I.just.don’t.see.it. 

That’s not going to stop be from being the best girlfriend I can be for him, but marriage? I just don’t see it in the cards for us. And that’s depressing.